Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

OK so you seem to have lost some people with the use of the phrase "love of your life." But it sounds like you just want to know if she still loves you and still wants to build a life with you. It's a legitimate question, and it sounds like after the past several years it's not at all clear that she still does. The more direct route may be to say (if true): "I love you, I want us to be together, but I can't always tell if you want that too. Will you let me know if you don't so I know where I stand?"

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with her. "Love of your life" is a tired trope. Focus on your real world issues, not some fairy tale ideal like the zing of a first kiss that lasts forever. Time to build an adult relationship.

This. Focus on what you want, what you feel, and don't get hung up on framing it all that way.

+1 Some people interpret "love of my life" as the person they were the most crazy for, that person you just can't live without. That's how it's romanticized in our culture. I can categorically say DH is not the romantic partner that fits this definition. That would be my super awful boyfriend from my early 20s. I would tolerate any amount of crap from that dude because "I loooooooove him!" And I spent years being miserable trying to make it work with him because I was convinced he was The One and I could not imagine life without him. It was pure desperation, not love, and a heavy dose of fear of being without him. I thank my lucky stars that he eventually dumped me because it was such a terrible relationship.

I never drive myself crazy with DH because... I don't have to. I'm with him not because I can't imagine life without him, there's no desperation, I'm with him because I want to be. I know I would ultimately be ok without him so it's not fear keeping me here. I'm with him because I love him, he loves me, and we are good for/to/with each other. But that doesn't fix the sexy, over the top definition of "love of my life" that the romantic comedies of my youth told me was the brass ring I should be striving for.

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

Anonymous wrote:OP, all the women who are telling you that you're being unreasonable would scream "DIVORCE HIM NOW!" if a woman complained that her husband refused to say she was the love of his life.

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

Anonymous wrote:Who cheated?

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

Anonymous wrote:DW and I have gone through a rough patch over the last five years or so and are thinking through whether and how to move forward. I asked her whether I was the love of her life, and she responded that she doesn’t think in those terms and doesn’t know how to answer that question. She cannot say I am, but she cannot say that any prior love was either. I told her that she is without a doubt the love of my life (thus far)as I have never loved anyone as deeply as I have loved her. We have been together for 20 years.

If she cannot say this about me, I am inclined to skip the tedium of trying to make it work and instead go look elsewhere. I recognize that I may not find a person who feels that way about me, in which case I will just have fun only dating and never be so tied down to one relationship again.

Recognizing that, like most affairs of the heart this area is quite dubjective, I am interested in thoughtful comments about whether I am being unreasonable or otherwise wrongheaded here, or whether her inability to say that I am the love of her life is a signal that it may be time to move on.

Anonymous wrote:Barbara Bush—a fine and decent woman— would have almost certainly described George HW as the love of her life (and vice versa). Very few couples will achieve that type of love and partnership but it is certainly worth aspiring to. Nothing immature or fake about what Barbara and George HW Bush had together.