Not my mother but my stepmother. My Stepmother truly listened to me without judgement. I would feel tense talking to my parents but would feel my body relax when I spoke to my stepmom. She was would ask questions to better understand my issue/problem and would guide me to the solution. She also was easy to laugh and praised me for things specifically - like how hard I studied for a test or long I worked on a paper. She let me make mistakes and would tell me she honestly didn;t know what lessons I needed to learn from them. I am smiling as I write this - she was pretty fricking amazing.

She is still one of my best friends and has given me more guidance as a new mother than my own mother (although I love my own mother).

I tell my kids that you can always "blame" your parents (us) if you need to find a way out of peer pressure.
"Having a party while your parents are gone sounds so cool. I can't make it though..my parents are a drag and total fun sponges and I gotta get home. Text me later".

We also have a no questions asked policy. I gotta call from DD at 1145pm a few weeks ago while she was at a sleepover at her friend's house asking to be picked up. I said no problem, be right there. Picked her up, went home, tucked her in her own bed. Lights out. No questions asked, no prying, no being nosy about what sparked it.

We had a deal. Straight As in exchange for no curfew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

you have to be a white person. i cannot imagine this being ok in a non-white house.

I have plenty of examples of this occurring in a non white household- and the parents 100% knowing it was going on.

Anonymous wrote:They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

Ew

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

you have to be a white person. i cannot imagine this being ok in a non-white house.

Not the PP, but you must be joking. I'm white and can't even imagine this happening in my house as a teen. Why does this have to be about race to you??

I was going to say must be Scandanavian.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

you have to be a white person. i cannot imagine this being ok in a non-white house.

Not the PP, but you must be joking. I'm white and can't even imagine this happening in my house as a teen. Why does this have to be about race to you??

My loving but softpsoken dad wrote me a sweet note when he became concerned about me to express his love and concern.

Anonymous wrote:They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

you have to be a white person. i cannot imagine this being ok in a non-white house.

Anonymous wrote:My parents worked incredibly hard. My dad worked two jobs to pay our school tuition because we lived in an area with terrible public schools and our educations were a priority. Neither of my parents attended college (my mother did not even graduate high school) but my brother and I are honors college graduates. My mom stayed home because child care would cost more than she’d make but she was the one who could always be counted on to help everyone out. I grew up appreciating everything I got because I knew they scraped by and worked their tails off to give it to us. I learned true charity means from giving yourself when you have very little to give otherwise. I am a better person for it.

This is beautiful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My friend did this:

If her kid was going to a party, both parents ALWAYS drove the kid (even after the kid had her own car). Even though she would first verify (WITH the parent!) that there would be a parent in the home of the party, there was often NO adult at the house when the party started. So they went home.

Even parents who you knew and trusted will lie to you.

Your job:
Trust, but verify. Always.

+1

We call the parents of the teen throwing the party.

Once we did that and they said they would be home. At dropoff, I had a bad/"off" sensation, so a half-hour later I texted DC and told him he needed to leave. I picked him up. He was furious.

Several hours later, the cops busted the party and issued a bunch of citations.

And that taught him what? Mom runs his life. If he stayed and got the citation maybe he actually would have learned something. It is not a parents job to eliminate anything bad that can happen to kids. It is parents job to teach them to make good choices on their own and learn from their mistakes.

Kids aren't typically able to make good choices after the party (alcohol) starts.

Remember:
"A party ain't a party without alcohol."

My parents worked incredibly hard. My dad worked two jobs to pay our school tuition because we lived in an area with terrible public schools and our educations were a priority. Neither of my parents attended college (my mother did not even graduate high school) but my brother and I are honors college graduates. My mom stayed home because child care would cost more than she’d make but she was the one who could always be counted on to help everyone out. I grew up appreciating everything I got because I knew they scraped by and worked their tails off to give it to us. I learned true charity means from giving yourself when you have very little to give otherwise. I am a better person for it.

Anonymous wrote:They did very little right. Emotionally distant, divorced, missed huge red flags. Still, I turned out ok. Ended up in top 5 law school. My takeaway is that so much of what happens to a kid has to do with the kid, not the parents.

You’re pretty cool. Because most of us like to blame our parents for our issues in life instead of owning them.

They never interrupted me when I was having sex in my room. Or even said anything about it. At the time I thought they didn't know, but they pretty obviously did. I don't know whether that was something they did right or wrong, but damn it's going to be tough if (when) my DD starts taking boys into her room. I can't even think about what my policy is on that right now, since she's still in 1st grade.

My parents made very clear to me that they loved me and were able and willing to support me through my undergraduate education. They made clear that school was to be my primary area of focus up through my graduation. They also made clear that I was expected to move out and support myself after graduation. I did that, and have never asked them for financial help since starting my first job, about a month after college graduation.

I have no doubt that they would have provided temporary assistance and/or housing if I ever truly needed it, but I knew that I never wanted to disappoint them by asking for either.