Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 10:27     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.


I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.


OP here. Not sure what his version is, but as an example, we just purchased a new home but the backyard is unfinished and just dirt. We were going to hire landscapers but now DH has decided he wants us to move again within the next 2 years, so he won’t pay to get the yard done. I’ve been trying to do it on my own and he offers no help. Which is fine- a nice yard is much more important to me than it is to him- it just makes me a little sad when I hear about other husbands who actually give a crap. What’s also frustrating is he doesn’t want me spending time on the weekend working on the yard since that takes away attention from him.

He also isn’t interested in a lot of day-to-day things, like helping clean up after dinner, helping get DC ready for bed, family time that involves actual interaction rather than electronics, etc. I’m a SAHM, and I’m grateful so I’m okay with doing it all, I just wish he was a little more invested. PP described it perfectly with “buy-in”. It feels like he hasn’t bought into a family, he just wants to continue living his life and doing whatever he wants.


do you think being a SAHM changes his opinion of you? some men think "well I go to work and she stays home so she is supposed to handle all the home projects"-- he sounds really selfish and the fact taht he wants to move in only two years tells me he is someone always chasing something he wont ever find. You have bigger problems than home projects, if he divorces you you will be screwed. all of these things are red flags about a man not invested in his marriage.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 09:40     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:I love puttering and projects. I do most of the normal upkeep on the house like painting and small carpentry repairs. There are times when I really need a hand - someone to hold the ladder, or lift the other end of the plank. But my DH would much prefer to hire out the work than do it himself, so it would be unfair of me to plan to, say, paint the porch this weekend and then expect him to join me in a day of painting. It's fair to ask him to run to Home Depot for me once, or ask him to cook dinner so I can keep painting, since he does benefit from the porch being painted. But not okay for me to hijack his time.


Kind of a similar dynamic here. I prefer to do small projects on my own, while my DH would prefer to hire out most things. We both work FT, but he has less free time than I do (part of the reason that he likes to hire out). I deliberately try to plan my projects for when I know that DH won't be home, so that he doesn't feel guilty about not helping. It bugs him to be sitting on the couch when I'm up and working, even when it's 100% my own choice. He definitely will help out when I need him to, even if it's something that he doesn't care about at all, like my garden beds. however, if there were too many open ongoing projects, I know that he'd start getting quotes for someone else to come and do the work - good motivation for me to not overextend.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 09:11     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
So just hire someone to plant grass yourself. The End.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 07:12     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:The other day, I talked with a mom in our neighborhood and she mentioned how that weekend her DH had helped her out with a big project at their house. It was a project she had wanted and started, but he was able to get the more difficult, labor-intensive parts finished quickly since he’s a guy and much stronger than her. It made me a little sad because my DH has never offered me help like that, and if I ask him he just says “it’s your project and I have zero interest in helping out”. It’s fine- I’ve known he was this way since we first started dating, and I’m okay with doing things on my own- but it made me wonder how many other couples are like this.

Not looking for advice, just wanted to know if you and your spouse help each other out, or do you do things on your own?



I'm sorry, op! This sounds very lonely and sad.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 07:09     Subject: Re:Do you do things you don’t want to?
I just assumed? that everyone helped everyone else out. That's how it's always been with the people I know, spouses included.
Anonymous
Post 04/20/2018 06:58     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
OP & her husband might look at the love languages book. OP sounds like an "acts of service" type of gal. I don't know about OP's husband. On one hand, she said he complains that projects take attention away from him. On the other, she says that he wants to be left alone.



TwistdMike
Post 04/20/2018 01:43     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Positive reinforcement and reward are good, for when he does assist with some project or routine. Look at things he may be doing around the house already and start there. Play the game... It works in my experiences, both on me and DW.

Just a thought... if he is planning to sale in the next couple of years, the landscaping will help value and curb appeal. If it’s a romantical getaway in the back yard, the prospective buyers will fall in love. Landscaping is a worthwhile investment.

Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 23:02     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
The vast majority of my day is doing things I don't want to do. I don't want to wake up or brush my teeth or drop off at daycare, go to work, on and on. But I'm a damn adult and just do it.

I can't imagine not helping dh. I love him and if he cares about a project, then so will I. Projects are pretty interesting too. Better than scrubbing toilets or other chores.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 22:59     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask yourself do you extend that 'hand' to DH the way you want him to do for you? Do you know the dynamic that exists between your friend and her DH?

We don't know anything about you, obviously, but take a look at your relationship dynamic and ask yourself are you truly giving to each other in ways to make the other person happy? that's where i would start instead of feeling sorry for yourself.



Start being the spouse you want. I do this a lot and just like magic DH starts offering to do a lot. Be grateful everyday for everything you have. My Dr recommended it btw.


I do try to help him out and do what he asks, even when it’s something ridiculous like watching him workout. What he mostly just wants is to be left alone so he can watch tv, so I do everything I can to make sure he isn’t bothered in the evenings and on weekends.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 22:55     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.


I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.


OP here. Not sure what his version is, but as an example, we just purchased a new home but the backyard is unfinished and just dirt. We were going to hire landscapers but now DH has decided he wants us to move again within the next 2 years, so he won’t pay to get the yard done. I’ve been trying to do it on my own and he offers no help. Which is fine- a nice yard is much more important to me than it is to him- it just makes me a little sad when I hear about other husbands who actually give a crap. What’s also frustrating is he doesn’t want me spending time on the weekend working on the yard since that takes away attention from him.

He also isn’t interested in a lot of day-to-day things, like helping clean up after dinner, helping get DC ready for bed, family time that involves actual interaction rather than electronics, etc. I’m a SAHM, and I’m grateful so I’m okay with doing it all, I just wish he was a little more invested. PP described it perfectly with “buy-in”. It feels like he hasn’t bought into a family, he just wants to continue living his life and doing whatever he wants.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 22:27     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to ask yourself do you extend that 'hand' to DH the way you want him to do for you? Do you know the dynamic that exists between your friend and her DH?

We don't know anything about you, obviously, but take a look at your relationship dynamic and ask yourself are you truly giving to each other in ways to make the other person happy? that's where i would start instead of feeling sorry for yourself.



Start being the spouse you want. I do this a lot and just like magic DH starts offering to do a lot. Be grateful everyday for everything you have. My Dr recommended it btw.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 17:28     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Honestly I try not to ask for help because DH can be a jerk. He'll put off his part and then tell me I'm controlling, etc. it could even be something as simple as finding nails in his tool boxes. He doesn't want me touching his tools, but then won't get them out for me when I ask. I actually started my own tool box so I wouldn't have to ask him for help. I don't need help hanging pictures, installing lights, etc., but it would be nice if asking him for help didn't cause arguments.

Yes, we're divorcing.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 17:19     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:My wife is constantly planning projects. She likes changing things up and honestly enjoys being busy with home improvement projects.

I don't mind hard work when it's earning money or doing something that's necessary for the household (e.g. yes to painting because the paint is chipped; no to painting because she feels like a different color). But these household projects are not how I want to spend my free time. I enjoy unstructured time where I can do whatever happens to sound entertaining at the time or sometimes, god forbid, do nothing at all.

So, if I let myself get drawn into all of my wife's projects, it would be necessarily subordinating my preferences for how to spend free time with hers. By the same token, my wife hates unstructured free time -- I don't expect her to suspend making plans for herself because that's how I like to spend my time.

Ultimately, I help with somethings and not with others. It can be quite a balancing act trying to accommodate her, accommodate myself, and try not to sound like a dick when I decide to go for a walk while she's painting the ceiling.


I want to hear OP's husband's version of events...

My husband will help out if I ask him to even if it's something I've started. But I also don't (1) do ridiculous things all the time and (2) always ask him to help me finish something I've started.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 16:55     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
Anonymous wrote:I don't ask my husband. I go buy the supplies, start it, it annoys him I don't finish and eventually he does.


I totally do this as well. If i'm lucky he'll also upgrade something I wasn't even planning on doing.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2018 15:11     Subject: Do you do things you don’t want to?
We totally help each other out, then use it for life to make fun of the other "well SOMEBODY thought they could put in the whole floor herself in a day and SOMEONE ELSE had to stay up to 3AM with her just to get it done!"