I hear you, OP. I have a smother mother too. She still thinks I'm a little girl and tries to baby me. This is why I live 1,500 miles away from her. I feel guilty about it sometimes. But then I remember with clarity why she bugs the fire out of me and I feel content.

I had to get very abrupt with her when she was doing these things. According to everyone else and herself, she's an ideal mother - so kind & caring. Well, it's just too f-ing much for me.

My sister is much better about it than me, she hangs up with no qualms, tells Mom to STFU (in a nice way) and it works.

Who knows what the solution is? Try a few different things. Also - if they don't hear you verbally, write a letter. That gives them/her a chance to digest what you've communicated and avoids making an awkward scene. Use the examples you've listed above, and end it on a positive but firm note.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It also doesn't help that my best friend and her mom (who is my mom's good friend) have a close mother-daughter relationship, and my mom is extremely jealous of that. She constantly makes comparisons and feels that it's unfair to her that we don't have that kind of relationship. She thinks that kind of relationship just happens when parents have kids, and doesn't understand that the groundwork for that was laid years ago and my mom parented in a way that made me feel smothered and like she didn't trust me to make my own choices. Ugh, this is tough stuff. I hate that it affects me this much.

OMG, my mom also befriended my good friends' moms. It drove me nuts.
Like PPS said, there's no magic bullet. Just enforce the boundaries. Despite what you've said, you're still not doing it well, so therapy. It took years of minimal contact for my mother to change and I'm slowly allowing her back into my life.

My parents still view me (almost 40, married with kids) as a child and openly say so. Plus my mom proudly admits to using guilt as a tactic to get me and my siblings to do things her way. It has resulted in some harsh conversations and hurt feelings on her end, but it's either her feelings or my sanity/ boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, I'm not giving you Johnny's soccer schedule this year. We'll invite you if I can give you the company you seek."

"Mom, I'm doing fine, I'm not going to talk about my condition."

"Mom, you raised me well, and I can make good decisions without your input."

**they bluster**

"Mom, I love you, and I'm going to go now."

"Mom, this isn't help, this is intrusion. I'm an adult, you don't have to parent me any more."

You're going to have push back harder--and let them be upset for a little while. They'll have to learn what the cost of admission is to be in your life--and that involves stepping back.

And if they try to trample over the boundary, end the interaction. "I'm sorry to hear you're so upset about this mom, I have to go now, bye bye". And yes, leave a gathering etc. Remain calm. Do not get pulled into a tit for tat discussion or even attempt to rationalize your choices. They will gaslight you if you do that. Remove yourself. If they can't respect your reasonable boundaries they do not get to be part of your life. You don't need to EXPLAIN that to them or get them to agree. Just do it.