Op - you’re husband has anxiety and depression. He is a deeply unhappy person and it’s causing him to always be on edge. He feels unfulfilled, sad, nervous, bitter, stressed, something. He’s trying to control the world and it’s driving him mad. This isn’t healthy for you, him, or the kids. I know he prob is super remorseful after these episodes but he defaulted into this way of behaving. He’s at 60 mph before he even realized he stepped on the gas. He needs to practice discipline with his emotions and with time, this default setting will cease to exist.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry OP. But this is not a healthy situation. I feel tense reading about it. Has he ever been physically aggressive with you? Does he have PTSD or anything?

Nope - never. It’s sad but I’m sort of surprised by that. I mean he’s never even been close, and he is adamantly against spanking or any sort of physical pinjshement for our kids (we’re on the same page). His reactions are purely verbal. He doesn’t namecall. He just slams and bangs and blusters and refuses to hash out a conversation.

After a few minutes he’s totally fine like nothing ever happened. These incidents don’t faze him in the least, even if I’m in tears. He’s able to move past it very quickly. No PTSD. Quirky family but no major physical abuse. Some mental illness (nervous breakdowns) in the women on his side of the family.

I'm no expert but I bet those "nervous breakdowns" and his blow up issues are related. Does he have anxiety? Honestly it sounds like a mental issue that needs to be addressed with therapy and medication - but neither will be successful unless he really accepts that what he does is unacceptable and he commits to changing because of that - not just to appease you. You said he "takes pride" in being this sort of blow hard jackass, but he's also remorseful after blowing up at you - how do you resolve those two conflicting statements?

My guess is that the women have "nervous breakdowns" because the men are like OP'S husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

OP here. Let me be clear: I am in no way afraid for my safety or that of my kids. No way. I’ve known this man half my life and I genuinely can say he is nonviolent. I’m actually not even sure he’s been in a fistfight. What I am is weary of not being able to talk about stressful stuff (parenting, disagreements, money) without having to diffuse his temper first. I want him to see that his go-to response (taking it to 11) hurts me. What are the words I can use to convince him that he needs to tone down his reactions?

There aren't words, only action. His whole life he's gotten everyone (his family, you) to accommodate his horrible behavior by handling him with kid gloves and walking on eggshells around him. The only way to get your point across now is to behave differently to show him through action that you won't stand for his behavior any longer. Words aren't going to cut it.

DP. +1. I simply worry that OP’s DH may react outside of the “norm” she describes him as having if OP is the pack leader, after all these years, and unassisted in this. He might blow a gasket. Or become physical. I’d be wary. That said, I’ve been a victim of abuse that got worse when I put my foot down and changed my behavior. His got more extreme. I don’t want that to happen to OP, because her DH seems easily triggered. Acts of aggression intimidate without having to get into a fiat fight. What happens when the intimidation tactics aren’t effective at having her toe the line anymore?

You may not be fearful of your DH, but I would use caution in how you approach things. Would he be open to family counseling? Notice I said family, not marital. It impacts everyone.

Anonymous wrote:
20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

The part that people can't stand is blaming a condition that is well managed and treated by many, rather than recognizing your husband is an ahole who happens to have ADHD. It's also your insistence than fits of anger are a common symptom of ADHD; they aren't. Not saying it doesn't happen but it's not how you make it sound.

Be honest - are you the OP of the "my DH said he did not want to be my child's dad" thread?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

While OP's DH may have ADHD and could have problems regulating his emotions, there is absolutely no excuse for his behavior. It is irrelevant. Unless OP's DH recognizes his behavior is unaccepable AND wants to change it, it doesn't matter whether he's got ADHD or not.

And, FWIW, my DH has ADHD as do 2 of my DSs. None of them behave like OP's DH. My bipolar father did, though........

Sigh. Why can't people understand mental health?

If you can turn this angry person into a non-angry person with medication, and given that this person is married with children, isn't this important enough to consider?

And ADHD presents differently in different people, for goodness sake's.
My FIL was bipolar, and my husband has ADHD, as does my son. The first two have anger issues, my son does not.
Treat the person before you, not the patients you've seen before.

We SERIOUSLY need more education about mental health!

Everyone is saying "get out". No, no, no! That will mean he is alone with the kids 50% of the time. Probably less good than if OP is there to keep him in check.

Anonymous wrote:
20:35 again.

Yes, it is ADHD. Whenever I post this people can't stand it, but it is.

My husband has been diagnosed with ADHD, after our son was diagnosed, but refuses to take his meds, because he feels "quite all right without them". When literally his life is is shambles because of it (he's been let go multiple times for failing to be productive and follow directions at work, he has no friends, he forgets his keys or wallet every day and has to go back for them, etc).

It makes sense that your husband would have ADHD as well. Medication is generally well-tolerated and efficient... if he agrees to take them every day. They have made a huge difference to our son's quality of life.

While OP's DH may have ADHD and could have problems regulating his emotions, there is absolutely no excuse for his behavior. It is irrelevant. Unless OP's DH recognizes his behavior is unaccepable AND wants to change it, it doesn't matter whether he's got ADHD or not.

And, FWIW, my DH has ADHD as do 2 of my DSs. None of them behave like OP's DH. My bipolar father did, though........

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

OP here. Let me be clear: I am in no way afraid for my safety or that of my kids. No way. I’ve known this man half my life and I genuinely can say he is nonviolent. I’m actually not even sure he’s been in a fistfight. What I am is weary of not being able to talk about stressful stuff (parenting, disagreements, money) without having to diffuse his temper first. I want him to see that his go-to response (taking it to 11) hurts me. What are the words I can use to convince him that he needs to tone down his reactions?

There aren't words, only action. His whole life he's gotten everyone (his family, you) to accommodate his horrible behavior by handling him with kid gloves and walking on eggshells around him. The only way to get your point across now is to behave differently to show him through action that you won't stand for his behavior any longer. Words aren't going to cut it.

Anonymous wrote:You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

OP here. Let me be clear: I am in no way afraid for my safety or that of my kids. No way. I’ve known this man half my life and I genuinely can say he is nonviolent. I’m actually not even sure he’s been in a fistfight. What I am is weary of not being able to talk about stressful stuff (parenting, disagreements, money) without having to diffuse his temper first. I want him to see that his go-to response (taking it to 11) hurts me. What are the words I can use to convince him that he needs to tone down his reactions?

You are afraid in your own house. That is the bottom line.

He may love his kids but if his behavior is as you describe he's still a horrible father who is going to cause them to have all sorts of issues when they grow up. Counseling if you don't want to leave right away, but really just leave. No one deserves to live with someone like that.

He probably needs an SSRI and adhd meds - but first he needs to agree to be evaluated and to accept help. The hard part of divorce would be sharing custody so if you can find a way to address the anger that would help - but he may be too much of a jerk. Has he ever physically threatened you or hit you?

Goodness OP Divorce this walking disaster and then spend some time figuring out why you would ever marry someone with these tendencies so you don't do it again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry OP. But this is not a healthy situation. I feel tense reading about it. Has he ever been physically aggressive with you? Does he have PTSD or anything?

Nope - never. It’s sad but I’m sort of surprised by that. I mean he’s never even been close, and he is adamantly against spanking or any sort of physical pinjshement for our kids (we’re on the same page). His reactions are purely verbal. He doesn’t namecall. He just slams and bangs and blusters and refuses to hash out a conversation.

After a few minutes he’s totally fine like nothing ever happened. These incidents don’t faze him in the least, even if I’m in tears. He’s able to move past it very quickly. No PTSD. Quirky family but no major physical abuse. Some mental illness (nervous breakdowns) in the women on his side of the family.

I'm no expert but I bet those "nervous breakdowns" and his blow up issues are related. Does he have anxiety? Honestly it sounds like a mental issue that needs to be addressed with therapy and medication - but neither will be successful unless he really accepts that what he does is unacceptable and he commits to changing because of that - not just to appease you. You said he "takes pride" in being this sort of blow hard jackass, but he's also remorseful after blowing up at you - how do you resolve those two conflicting statements?