Anonymous wrote:What's the average on sex for married people say in their 40s or 50s? Once a month? Twice a month?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

Open marriage is not an option. Stay married or divorce.Why do you insist on buying the cow but not getting any milk. Men are fools. It's funny, when they divorce and start dating again, the lack of sex is never an option . . . so why give it to your wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Inform her the marriage is Open, then go out and meet your needs.. It's not cheating: it's a lifestyle choice, similar to a wife choosing to never/rarely have sex with husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of the meds middle aged women take destroy their sex drive. Proton pump inhibitors (Nexium and the like) that create mineral deficiencies of things like zinc and magnesium - which are critical for sexual health, SSRIs, birth control pills to regulate crazy perimenopause cycles...the list goes on.

I know you mean well, but honestly by middle age many women are over it. Nothing to do with pills etc. Most of the women I talked to rather do other things, or aren't as attracted to their partners because of aging. Some have resentments, but have to stay married. Many are tired of the pressure to have to please one more person at the end of the day.
Should a wife take her husband to the doctor because he isn't living up to his expectations of the marriage? Doing his share of cooking, cleaning, finances and kids. It's no different.

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

Anonymous wrote:Try this: go one YouTube and study some clips on how to give a relaxing massage. Then one weekend, see if you can unload the kids for a night. Take your wife to her favorite restaurant or make her favorite meal. Ask her questions about things in her life or her interests and listen to her responses. Suggest a movie in bed or maybe a favorite tv show. When the show is done, say something like: hey, it's been a long week. Why don't I give you a back rub? Then take the coconut oil you bought earlier in the week, out of the hot water you have been warming it with and apply a little to her bare back. If she gets nervous, show her it's just coconut oil and it's good for her skin. Take your time and get her entire back, shoulders and arms. Pay attention to her body as it will tell you when to rub harder or when it's too hard. You can start by just pushing her shirt up on her back but eventually, ask she relaxes and is more comfortable and as you want to get to her shoulders, the shirt should come off. As you wrap things up on her back, make sure to finish in the lower back area and start working the upper buttocks (stay clear of the crack). Slowly, gently work off her bottoms and massage her ass checks but, again, stay clear of anything that could be perceived as sexual. Got all the way down to her feet, applying the oil as needed. Also, make sure the room is warm enough that she will be comfortable, not cold, naked. When you work her thighs, don't attempt to graze, touch or even tease her pussy. After you have really worked the feet, ask her to turn over and work your way up, again, avoiding the pussy. Massaging the boobs is ok, just don't give any special attention to the nipple. You can also YouTube boob massages to learn the difference between a sexual massage and a relaxing massage. Make sure you get all the way to the fingers and hands. When you finish, pull the sheet up over her, get back in bed and ask her to rest her head on your chest. Then give her a facial massage (no oil here, use a towel to wipe any excess from your hands prior to starting. When you finish, ask if that was ok and then ask if there is anything else she wants to watch.

At this point, she will be amazed that you have spent that much time touching her without pushing for sex. She may think "he finally gets me". She may get turned on and jump your ones. But most likely, she'll be skeptical. It's important for a woman to know you can touch her and she can touch you and it doesn't have to lead to sex or a fight about sex.

If she brings up sex at the end, just answer, you know I love to have sex/make love with you but don't feel obligated. I know you had a long week and I just wanted you to feel good.

For many women who have lost their way, something like this can renew a spark, make them look at you differently. Where the majority of what she normally sees after 15-20 years together is the things that annoy her, now she sees the reason she fell in love, the reason she married you. It make take another session for her to believe it wasn't just a ploy to get in her pants (of course it was) but it will be worth the investment if you can jumpstart her libido.

Remember this doesn't mean the the next night you are sitting in bed naked with your arms folded behind your head and porn on the tv, screaming "my turn tonight" the minute she emerges from the bathroom.

Anonymous wrote:My wife was at an event with a group of women. One said she was reading a book about how not to hate your spouse when you had little kids. That prompted a show of hands for who would be o.k. never having sex again and all the women raised their hands. My wife shared that as something that made her feel positive because she didn't feel alone in her lack of libido.

The background is that we have sex about every 4-6 weeks. I've talked to her about how this a lot lower than I'm happy with, and it makes me feel unloved and disconnected. She says that there's nothing wrong with me and it's on her end. Lately she's been talking to a therapist but doesn't feel like she's making any progress. I think the women she was with had smaller children. Ours are early teens.

I responded that I imagined it made her feel very isolated if she thought she was the only one with this issue and it probably felt good not to feel so alone. What I felt was pretty hopeless that she'd be o.k. never having sex again. I'm also nervous that having a bunch of friends saying the same thing will encourage her to stop making any effort to improve our sex life, allowing it to continue to deteriorate.

I don't want to cheat, divorce, or "declare our marriage open." I also don't want to have sex with my wife if she doesn't want to have it. It's tough not to despair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

My wife tried this too, much earlier. I gave her some choices: reconsider; open marriage; leave me. She reconsidered.

Anonymous wrote:It is a fallacy to believe that women aren't interested in sex in their middle ages.

I do think their is a correlation with the type of women that men choose to be their wives in their youth and their eventual decline/disinterest in sex with their marital partners. The women were probably lower libido women to begin with.

I am single and have always enjoyed good sex. So have my other single friends and single relatives. We are active, attractive, and high-earners, and have no problem finding suitable mates as we age.

So, don't give up there are plenty of us out there. Now, if you want to pull some of the "shenigans" that you are used to doing in your marriage, then stay married.

BTW, open marriages are not the answer and neither is cheating. Divorce, get your sh*t together, and meet someone who can enthusiastically meet your needs.

Anonymous wrote:My wife told me exactly this about a year ago. We are early 50s. Sex 3-4 times since. It sucks

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Should a wife take her husband to the doctor because he isn't living up to his expectations of the marriage? Doing his share of cooking, cleaning, finances and kids. It's no different.

Sure you want to go down that road? If he is obliged to live up to her expectations, she is obliged to live up to his. For example, on-demand porn-star quality sex and daily BJs.