Could you just not compare yourselves to single parents? Please.

I was a financially comfortable SAHM to two under five, in a soul-sucking marriage. I left my marriage and now work fifty hours a week and raise two children under five. Both have downsides and both have upsides. But even when I was terribly depressed in my terrible marriage, I still had another set of hands around. I find it really hard to believe that OP's husband never does anything.

If nothing else, you don't have the stress of having to provide for your kid(s) alone. CS is a very small percentage of ex's income. It's NOT like you live the same lifestyle when you are actually single, unless you had significant savings/family help.

Being in a sad and horrible marriage with a selfish spouse sucks, but single parent it does not you make.

So you've only been staying at home a couple years? I feel like a single parent too, but I've stopped expecting my DH to do things. I'm more experienced being the default parent. Yes, I'd like him to discipline the kids more so I'm not the bad guy, but we don't see eye to eye on things. And frankly, he doesn't really have the best sense when it comes to what is good for the kids. So by him not taking an active role in parenting, I get to have more say in how to raise the kids.

Men are more focused on their careers. Even when they are retired they do not suddenly become family men. You going back to work is not going to suddenly make him want to help out with the kids. If you are taking kids to activities on the weekends, perhaps cut back on that, and instead plan family outings to involve your DH more. He could feel left out and isolated because you have a close bond with the kids. You need to draw him back in and include him more, in a fun way, and not just expect him to do more chores.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

Taking care of several little kids is also stressful and tiring.

Nothing like a soul sucking job, where bosses and clients are more demanding and less patient than the most terrible toddler, and if you coast a few days then your family ends up on the street.

Versus being home, coasting means eating cold cereal for three meals and too much screen time while you take a nap. Does that mean you end up homeless?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.

I deliberately took a govt contracting IT job rather than staying a startup which I loved for exactly this reason. I wanted to spend time with my kids, and am happy to do my share of the domestic duties (and clean much better than my DW, probably that detailed mindedness from programming).

DW prefers dual incomes b/c her dad was breadwinner but fell ill when she was in grade school and couldn’t work anymore and then her mom had to start a career from scratch.

Anonymous wrote:As a stay at home parent, your job is to manage the household and kids. It is the tradeoff for staying at home.

I am a single parent who stayed at home for an extended period of time. Working is much harder.

No, per your experience being a single mom is much harder. Which no one disagrees with.

Anyways: no, OP, a father who is completely disengaged and doesn't show interest in his children's lives or in spending time with them is NOT normal.

Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent. You don’t have to worry about earning money + looking after your children. I agree your dh sounds terrible but you are not having to be a single parent.

—SAHM

+1. Ignorant and offensive subject line.

As a stay at home parent, your job is to manage the household and kids. It is the tradeoff for staying at home.

I am a single parent who stayed at home for an extended period of time. Working is much harder.

^^. No. I have met men who work 40-50 hours/wk because that's what they want to do. And that is what they do regardless of how much their wives are working. What I have never met is a man working 60+ hours/wk at a very stressful job who significantly cut back in order to help out at home when his wife went back to work (as people keep suggesting the OPs husband will do).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.

huh? Working 40-50 hours a week isn't mommy/daddy tracking yourself. It's being realistic with your work about the fact that they're paying you for 40 hours and you have a family. DH is a manager and thinks it's important to show his employees that he takes paternity leave, goes to pediatrician appts and leaves work on time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.

Well, clearly you are in denial or have never met a male teacher, social worker, etc. These jobs offer shorter predictable hours in exchange for lower pay. The only way this works for a family is if there is also a working partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

Ok. Who are all of these men who are voluntarily mommy tracking themselves and taking on a significant share of unpaid/unrecognized domestic duties so their wives can return to work? Oh, and are greatful to do it?

I have never seen this in real life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

For the majority of people, working more does not mean more money. My DH works 60 hour weeks because he's a workaholic but he's paid for 40 hours. I know for a fact that 90% of his coworkers leave after their 8 hours are done at work. I think men (and women of course, but this is a thread about a working man) just have to choose between family and work. Sole breadwinners know they need the work. Dual income men choose family normally because if something happened to their jobs, their wives are still bringing in income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

Yes, because you will not have to work 70 hours a week. If your spouse also works, you can work less because there is additional income to meet the family's needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

NP. He couldn't work 70 hours if she was working too. DH and I both work and we BOTH had to pull back when we had kids. We still make the same amount, we just get more done at work in less time now.

Pp and reluctant SAHM here.

Oh yes he can.


It is possible to remain disengaged and work 70 hours/wk even if your spouse is also working.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No my husband and I look at it the way we would a nanny whom we were paying to come to our house. When he gets home from work, I "clock out" as the default caregiver and we share duties. Why? Because this is what we both expect from a "good" husband and father. He wants to be involved in our children's lives.

Ya'll need to have serious conversations with your husbands.

No this could be different. In your scenario you both work 40 hours in parallel. So her DH is entitled to 80 hrs/wk for work and recuperating from work (b/c 70 hr high stress jobs as the sole breadwinner is a LOT OF STRESS. Way more than balancing a toddlers screen time. ). We decided both of us working was a better dynamic for us, but the sole breadwinner is different unless you have family money or a lot saved up from before you quit or live somewhere cheap so pressure is off breadwinner

I am not quite sure that I understand your scenario. Does a 70 hr/wk high stress job suddenly become less stressful if your spouse is also working?

NP. He couldn't work 70 hours if she was working too. DH and I both work and we BOTH had to pull back when we had kids. We still make the same amount, we just get more done at work in less time now.