OP in my opinion you are a saint. You are bending over backwards trying to make everyone happy and your husband totally over-reacted to you when he got mad and the ex-wife was being petty and irrational. You all would’ve okayed the ex-wife taking the daughter on a trip like this and everyone knows it. Not fair to the dad (your husband) or to you. And the posters who jumped on you were totally being bitchy.

OP here. I thought I would post an update. Last night I called DD's mom and explained how sorry we were to bring it up in front of her but we hadn't assumed it would be an issue and how much of an oversight that was. I also invited her to "shadow" us and we could all make a vacation out of it. She really reacted positively to that idea and said that sounds like a win/win and we hung up on good terms. She then texted me this morning explaining how that was a really nice offer but work wise its not a good time of year for her to take off. She said that she appreciates the gesture and will most likely let DD come with us after we work a few details out (mainly referring to a certain equestrian camp/ working out dates.). So Im thinking this is heading towards a positive direction. I love being a step mom but there is no handbook and there are a lot of muddy waters. I really just try and do my best and not offend anyone. Its hard because I also want my kids to have various experiences and it seems keeping everything equal is a must but thats not something I can always control. Thanks for all the responses.

I think the suggestion to have DD's mom come and have a week to herself (or with her mom or a friend or whatever) and then get DD to herself for 5 days, which you would then have with your DH and girls is a great one.

For all the folks saying that a 3 and 4 year old are too young to bring on the trip, you do you. She's not asking about that aspect, nor should she. Our kids are 3 and 1 and have been on 2 international trips together (1 to Europe w/ friends and 1 much farther away to visit family); the 3 year old has been on 2 other international trips to (1 to a different European country, one that we used to live in, to stay with friends and 1 to the same far away country to visit family). The travelling sucks, but the trips themselves have been amazing. The 3 year old absolutely still remembers the 2 most recent trips -- including people she's only met while on those trips and still asks about; and -- just as importantly -- we remember the trips, made great memories and the kids, even if they won't remember, had a fantastic time. That's plenty valuable. Also, even if kids don't remember specifics, each trip makes the kids better travelers. Since we travel a lot, it's good to start now.

Another consideration is that you literally cannot leave the country with out ex's permission. I am not married to my partner even though we are together and I had to carry a notarized letter saying I had permission to take my son to Mexico (even though his dad was meeting ust here a day later).

I would either welcome ex on the trip or go without any of the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

+1 What a waste - they won't even remember it!

I do this every year but then I get slammed by sanctimommies who say I'm a bad mother for having a vacation without my kids. I'm positive there would be less divorces and happier parents if everyone went on a trip with their husband yearly.

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

+1 What a waste - they won't even remember it!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know taking little kids to Europe isn't ideal for many but both me and DH have been to Italy over 10 times and I grew up in Europe. My kids have been to my home country twice but DH didn't go on those trips and neither did DD. (I took one long one during my maternity leave and another shorter one during the summer...both times DH had to work) This is our first "vacation" to Europe.

Either the 9 year old is a member of your family or not. If she can't go you don't go. Period. That's what you do with blended families. You went about this whole thing wrong, and you are now paying the consequences. Yes, step daughters mom is being a little irrational, but you need her to give the OK, and since you clearly didn't go about that the right way...

Disagree. Not everything is the same for everyone. Our kids have gone on vacations without us and we've gone on vacation without them. We sent one to sleepaway camp for two weeks while we went on an oversees vacation (she knew).

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know taking little kids to Europe isn't ideal for many but both me and DH have been to Italy over 10 times and I grew up in Europe. My kids have been to my home country twice but DH didn't go on those trips and neither did DD. (I took one long one during my maternity leave and another shorter one during the summer...both times DH had to work) This is our first "vacation" to Europe.

Either the 9 year old is a member of your family or not. If she can't go you don't go. Period. That's what you do with blended families. You went about this whole thing wrong, and you are now paying the consequences. Yes, step daughters mom is being a little irrational, but you need her to give the OK, and since you clearly didn't go about that the right way...

I would have someone care for the 3 and 4 year old at home, and then go on a romantic 12 day Italian vacation alone with my husband. NO KIDS. Problem solved.

OP here. I know taking little kids to Europe isn't ideal for many but both me and DH have been to Italy over 10 times and I grew up in Europe. My kids have been to my home country twice but DH didn't go on those trips and neither did DD. (I took one long one during my maternity leave and another shorter one during the summer...both times DH had to work) This is our first "vacation" to Europe.

Our girls are 3 and 5, and they brought up their trip (to another state) a few months ago at dinner last night. What did they remember? That we bought them gummy bears at the airport. We're saving trips to memorable places until they're older. For now, any place with a waterpark or similar is plenty for them. We've already talked about going to Italy and we'll do it when they're a few years older and can enjoy it.

This trip actually sounds miserable. Ex wife and ex MIL, and a 3 and 4 year old in Italy? Have you ever been to Italy, OP? It's a LOT of walking and looking at buildings and paintings. Amazing, but not exactly entertaining for little kids. I would definitely just put the trip off for a few years. Is there a reason you are so anxious to go this summer?

The kid can't go. Apologize to both kid and mom for bringing it up in front of kid and getting her hopes up. Crap happens sometimes. My "dream family vacation" would no longer be my dream if my husband's ex were hanging around.

They have tampons in Europe. That excuse is ridiculous.

Wow, you and DH need to do whatever it takes to get his ex-wife on board and make this work. What a bonehead, dumbass-dad thing to do: announce an international trip to an excited tween without talking it through with her MOTHER first.