Anonymous wrote:Generous OP. You want a man who does more than his fair share for his kids. It's the right thing to do.

No, the right thing to do is to pay according to the child support guidelines established by federal and state law and whatever court order governs the case.

I have a male friend in a similar situation. He is far too nice. His ex is supposed to pay half of everything but pays zero, and has told him and the kids she won't be paying a penny for their college, either.

How old are his kids? If they'll be out of the house soon, perhaps consider not worrying about it too much, and contributing less to joint finances (per your agreement).

If they are young, then something has to give. Either way, you need to contribute less to the joint pot, if what you're giving now is more than what you two agreed on. Or, you can make a new agreement that you can live with.

Sounds like some boundaries definitely need to be put in place. You cannot control what your DH does regarding his ex, but you can control your own actions and money. Never let any man control your money! Never. Especially if it means your kids are doing without. No way! You put your agreed amount in the joint pot, and when it's gone he has to figure how to cover the difference for his 2 kids.

I don't think OP should push him. Merely put some money away for her kids etc. Definitely don't pay as much toward their combined household. If his kids have medical bills that is on him, and the ex wife. Not OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Not having to deal with it is worth a lot of money. I fully understand your DH.

Exactly! The husband is choosing the monetary value of his peace of mind. Seems logical to me.

No. He knows his wife makes more money and can pay for his "peace of mind". The wife can keep extra money out of her pay for a yearly vacation, or other things for her kids. And of course for her peace of mind!

No amount of money is worth dealing with an ex for me. If it bothers OP though, she has to decide if she can push DH enough without destroying their relationship. It would destroy mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there is a double standard for men in these situations.

"society" in general expects a man to pay money to the woman after divorce. The woman typically feels entitled to it. Men who go after their ex for money are looked upon a mean and vindictive.
Women who go after men for child support are seen as protecting their kids and standing up for themselves.

I wouldn't say he is weak but he is trapped by gender roles.

About the only people in society who don't see the ex wife as a victim entitled to what ever she can get from the ex husband is the new wife of the husband.

Yep, you can see the double standard in the responses here vs. if this were a wife with custody and her ex wasn’t paying. Advice would be to garnish his wages and go after him for all he’s worth.

For me, the mitigating factor is the mental illness. He is maintaining status quo that is far healthier for his children than it could be if his EX goes deeper into her mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Not having to deal with it is worth a lot of money. I fully understand your DH.

Exactly! The husband is choosing the monetary value of his peace of mind. Seems logical to me.

No. He knows his wife makes more money and can pay for his "peace of mind". The wife can keep extra money out of her pay for a yearly vacation, or other things for her kids. And of course for her peace of mind!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Yeah, that's insane. Sounds like DH needs some therapy to set boundaries so he can ask for the money and not hear that crap. Do it all over email, paypal whatever, but sheesh, he needs to step up.

OP I think you got yourself into a bad situation and you're trying to change it with minimal impact.

Do you guys have one joint account where the household bills come out of? Who is responsible to pay them, and are both of your checks direct deposit into that account?

I would think the household should come from the joint . For child's medical, dental and big items that should come from the other parents sole account. At the minimum pay less and keep some money for a yearly vacation. Tell DH the truth. It's not fair to you, or your kids to forego a vacation because his ex wife whines up a good game knowing he will cave. Surely you see what she is doing, and it's working.

Or tell him you can't contribute as much because you have to put some away for your own kids. I mean it does work both ways.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Not having to deal with it is worth a lot of money. I fully understand your DH.

Exactly! The husband is choosing the monetary value of his peace of mind. Seems logical to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there is a double standard for men in these situations.

"society" in general expects a man to pay money to the woman after divorce. The woman typically feels entitled to it. Men who go after their ex for money are looked upon a mean and vindictive.
Women who go after men for child support are seen as protecting their kids and standing up for themselves.

I wouldn't say he is weak but he is trapped by gender roles.

About the only people in society who don't see the ex wife as a victim entitled to what ever she can get from the ex husband is the new wife of the husband.

Yep, you can see the double standard in the responses here vs. if this were a wife with custody and her ex wasn’t paying. Advice would be to garnish his wages and go after him for all he’s worth.

If the woman was re-married and bringing in a good income as well as her new husband, I don’t know that I would advice going after her ex-husband but more from the drama it would bring versus the benefit of money that isn’t truly needed.

I do think there are lots of gender roles but they cut both ways. A guy can move away from his children for work or other reasona and still find someone that would want to start a family with him and wouldn’t even think twice. In general if a woman moves away from her kids for work or other reasons, people find that very suspect. It’s either selfish, mental issues, or addiction why mom would not be involved meanwhile earning a living is a valid reason for a dad to move away from his ex.

^Sorry, meant to add: He's weak. He could take that extra money and put it aside towards college or some other item for the children's future.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Not having to deal with it is worth a lot of money. I fully understand your DH.

Lawyer here: Easy to deal with. Walk into your local DCSE office and have them do a wage garnishment. Done.

I wouldn't bother with trying to get the healthcare or other expenses, probably not worth the hassel.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

Not having to deal with it is worth a lot of money. I fully understand your DH.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To be clear, it's not a court issue, and we are all happy with the parenting time situation. DH's ex doesn't want more (and cannot handle more).

His ex would pay if he asked (she has the money), but she cries and complains about how unhappy she is in life, how she wishes they were still together, that everything is unfair, etc.

I have a friend that does more of the parenting than her ex although they have 50/50 custody and she ends up paying for the kids clothes, more than half the activities etc. When I asked once, why she didn’t make more of a push with her ex, she explained that these are her kids. She wasn’t going to not get them clothes because her ex was being an a&& and she didn’t want to fight with him to take more time with the kids, as though they were a burden to be passed off. So while it wasn’t fair, because it wasn’t a necessity, she didn’t want to take on that conflict and risk her kids feeling caught in the middle. I’m not sure what I would do in the same situation and I could see her point.

To the OP, why won’t your DH ask? Is it based on past experience where it caused lots of drama and in the end she still didn’t pay? Is it a gender, taking care of my kids type of things? If it’s that would he see the money differently if it would allow him to save towards their college? Like rather than seeing this is paying for clothes, activities or health insurance this instead will help enable him to provide extras like help towards college. What would he do if you hadn’t joined households? Would he have pushed the ex to contribute, taken on a 2nd job, or lowered his expenses?

Anonymous wrote:there is a double standard for men in these situations.

"society" in general expects a man to pay money to the woman after divorce. The woman typically feels entitled to it. Men who go after their ex for money are looked upon a mean and vindictive.
Women who go after men for child support are seen as protecting their kids and standing up for themselves.

I wouldn't say he is weak but he is trapped by gender roles.

About the only people in society who don't see the ex wife as a victim entitled to what ever she can get from the ex husband is the new wife of the husband.

Yep, you can see the double standard in the responses here vs. if this were a wife with custody and her ex wasn’t paying. Advice would be to garnish his wages and go after him for all he’s worth.