When I think of Tiger Moms, I think of:

- no tolerance for grades less than A on ANYTHNG at any stage of childhood
- choosing your child's main activities/ECs and making sure they excel at them at all costs
- choosing how your child spends every second of their free time, with very little unscheduled "fun"
- choosing your child's college and college major and not allowing anything "frivolous"
- no sense of humor

I don't know how the parent-child relationship survives all this.

Anonymous wrote:To the OP, how would you react if your child scored an 88 on a test? A 75? How bad do you freak out? I think that is the difference that would make you a tiger Mom. Some can’t handle anything below an A for any reason.

I had an enrichment student who was 12 years old and said his mom would put a knife to her arm and threaten to harm herself if he got a bad grade. And said the only reason why she would not beat him was because it was illegal in the U.S. The mental intimidation can be rough. In college I had two friends who were "disowned" after switching from pre-med to wanting to be on a vet track and the other to humanities.

Some of you people are nuts. I've got two self-motivated students and I don't do any of this stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They have been, in all the topics I wanted them to be, except drawing and art in general. So I spent 5 minutes being sad about that, then moved on. One of them is still interested in art history (because it's history), so I'm thankful I can still talk art through that.

I am a flexible person, so if my children were not interested in ANY of the things I wanted them to be interested in, I would get over it. My firstborn had special needs from birth, and for a while I mourned the loss of what might have been, and was fearful of all the extra work/therapies/appointments we would have to shoulder. But this is Life. You are dealt a hand, and you deal with it as best you can.

This is probably why I'm a Tiger Parent. I feel the need to maximize the potential of the hand I have been dealt, because I've been given so much, I can't waste all these gifts.
I can't just throw up my arms and say: "Oh, it's so hard holding back and letting them make their own mistakes! I force myself to say nothing and drink a mimosa at the spa!". No. I would rather be in the trenches all day long with my kids. It makes me happy, and I think it makes them happy. My mother was the same way with me, and I appreciate her commitment and passion and all those moments spent together.

I've never met any parent like that. Not one.

I've met plenty. Without the mimosa/spa example, but the spirit is the same.

Um.

Why the focus on moms? My husband--a high-achieving immigrant--is a bit of a Tiger Dad. He's in charge of HW, which he does with young child in another language, expects perfect obedience and effort, and has high expectations. Some of it has rubbed off on me, although in general I'm more laid-back and not as strict.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
They have been, in all the topics I wanted them to be, except drawing and art in general. So I spent 5 minutes being sad about that, then moved on. One of them is still interested in art history (because it's history), so I'm thankful I can still talk art through that.

I am a flexible person, so if my children were not interested in ANY of the things I wanted them to be interested in, I would get over it. My firstborn had special needs from birth, and for a while I mourned the loss of what might have been, and was fearful of all the extra work/therapies/appointments we would have to shoulder. But this is Life. You are dealt a hand, and you deal with it as best you can.

This is probably why I'm a Tiger Parent. I feel the need to maximize the potential of the hand I have been dealt, because I've been given so much, I can't waste all these gifts.
I can't just throw up my arms and say: "Oh, it's so hard holding back and letting them make their own mistakes! I force myself to say nothing and drink a mimosa at the spa!". No. I would rather be in the trenches all day long with my kids. It makes me happy, and I think it makes them happy. My mother was the same way with me, and I appreciate her commitment and passion and all those moments spent together.

I've never met any parent like that. Not one.

I've met plenty. Without the mimosa/spa example, but the spirit is the same.

Anonymous wrote:
They have been, in all the topics I wanted them to be, except drawing and art in general. So I spent 5 minutes being sad about that, then moved on. One of them is still interested in art history (because it's history), so I'm thankful I can still talk art through that.

I am a flexible person, so if my children were not interested in ANY of the things I wanted them to be interested in, I would get over it. My firstborn had special needs from birth, and for a while I mourned the loss of what might have been, and was fearful of all the extra work/therapies/appointments we would have to shoulder. But this is Life. You are dealt a hand, and you deal with it as best you can.

This is probably why I'm a Tiger Parent. I feel the need to maximize the potential of the hand I have been dealt, because I've been given so much, I can't waste all these gifts.
I can't just throw up my arms and say: "Oh, it's so hard holding back and letting them make their own mistakes! I force myself to say nothing and drink a mimosa at the spa!". No. I would rather be in the trenches all day long with my kids. It makes me happy, and I think it makes them happy. My mother was the same way with me, and I appreciate her commitment and passion and all those moments spent together.

I've never met any parent like that. Not one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You're not completely correct. I am 100% sure I created the right environment to nurture a love of classical music and books! And as a result, since they like doing those things, we can pursue what I wanted them to do all along. If I had a child who hated reading, I would check for dyslexia. My son with special needs does not have dyslexia.

I don't view parenting as "let the chips fall where they may" kind of thing. No. I want my children interested in certain things, and I paved the way for it a long time ago. I am also prepared to support other activities for which they develop affinities and that I did not plan for.

And if they're not?

They have been, in all the topics I wanted them to be, except drawing and art in general. So I spent 5 minutes being sad about that, then moved on. One of them is still interested in art history (because it's history), so I'm thankful I can still talk art through that.

I am a flexible person, so if my children were not interested in ANY of the things I wanted them to be interested in, I would get over it. My firstborn had special needs from birth, and for a while I mourned the loss of what might have been, and was fearful of all the extra work/therapies/appointments we would have to shoulder. But this is Life. You are dealt a hand, and you deal with it as best you can.

This is probably why I'm a Tiger Parent. I feel the need to maximize the potential of the hand I have been dealt, because I've been given so much, I can't waste all these gifts.
I can't just throw up my arms and say: "Oh, it's so hard holding back and letting them make their own mistakes! I force myself to say nothing and drink a mimosa at the spa!". No. I would rather be in the trenches all day long with my kids. It makes me happy, and I think it makes them happy. My mother was the same way with me, and I appreciate her commitment and passion and all those moments spent together.

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but, recently DD got a C in Math and I grounded her off devices until she got an A or B. Does that make me strict or a tiger mother? I think the Tiger mother wouldn't allow them in the first place; she references no sports or sleepovers in her book. I read two of Amy Chua's books and I wish I could be as committed as her.

Ouch. Seems harsh to me.

Anonymous wrote:

You're not completely correct. I am 100% sure I created the right environment to nurture a love of classical music and books! And as a result, since they like doing those things, we can pursue what I wanted them to do all along. If I had a child who hated reading, I would check for dyslexia. My son with special needs does not have dyslexia.

I don't view parenting as "let the chips fall where they may" kind of thing. No. I want my children interested in certain things, and I paved the way for it a long time ago. I am also prepared to support other activities for which they develop affinities and that I did not plan for.

And if they're not?

Anonymous wrote:Not OP but, recently DD got a C in Math and I grounded her off devices until she got an A or B. Does that make me strict or a tiger mother? I think the Tiger mother wouldn't allow them in the first place; she references no sports or sleepovers in her book. I read two of Amy Chua's books and I wish I could be as committed as her.

I asked the question about the 75 and 88 and I am a high school math teacher. I see a lot of reactions like yours and it is heartbreaking as a teacher when parents place so much emphasis on grades. They don’t see the students break down in tears with us after school because they are trying so hard and are afraid of disappointing their parents. It’s worse when parents take away activities or social activities over one B. Many times it is not from lack of effort. These parents demand As at all costs. The anxiety is overwhelming. The kids will be in counseling as adults.

I'm completely opposite, and I have really enjoyed raising my kids. We value communication, reading, fun, and laughter above all else. They make A's without any input from me, they never bring homework home, so why fix something if it isn't broken? If they want to go to college, they have to either get a scholarship or pay for it themselves. Once you're 18, I assume that I have raised you with enough common sense and a good enough work ethic to assure that you will be able to accomplish whatever your heart desires. My three adult sons are happy and have great jobs. My 12 yr old has his sights set on joining the military as soon as he's 18. If you're old enough to join the military, you're an adult in my opinion, and you no longer require my assistance.

I know a tiger mom. When I ask her kids how they're doing, they will respond, "Well, if I can just push up my grade .0003 percent in [name of subject], I will get..."

I didn't ask how your grades are, kiddo. I asked how YOU are. Big difference. How kids respond to "How are you?" is one of my tip offs that I'm talking to the kid of a tiger mom. They tend to have trouble separating themselves from their report cards. I find it rather sad. They are missing something.

PP again - there must also be some personality traits handed down in that kind of context, because reading, history and music are things I happen to love as well, so not only is it easy for me to expose them to this, but they must be already primed for it anyway.

It's not the same as a silly parent declaring: "my child will be a doctor!". I would never do that. I don't care what career they choose, I just want them to have a classic cultural background, and a well-developed critical sense. It will serve them well wherever they go!

And money is the least of my considerations when it comes to careers, because a salary is not the only way to make money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I consider myself a Tiger Parent, just like my white European mother.

I expect and get straight As, even for my child with severe ADHD and a host of learning disabilities. To get him to that point, *we* worked extremely hard together (from speech/physical therapy to learning to write to extra practice in math). He has built extraordinary resilience and work ethic because he has worked his way up.

I expect my kids to be interested in history and current events, love good literature and read voraciously, be fluent in writing and culture in our native tongue, write beautiful cursive, sing and play an instrument well (or study music theory for the one with a motor disability). These things are non-negotiable.

I encourage and nurture whatever else they want to do: for one of them, it's coding, for the other, it's horses and animals in general.

If you aren't exaggerating (which I think you are), I hope you're saving for your kids' therapy/rehab bills. That is an oppressive life to live as a kid.

None of us are getting out of here alive. Live happy.

I'm not exaggerating.
We are happy.

You have to accept that some people like living this way. They are usually the PhD, intellectual type.

I find it amusing that in this country it's more acceptable to push your kid in sports than it is to pursue academic interests. As long as the child is fine with it, and doesn't injure himself or burn out, I think both are perfectly acceptable.

You can make your kids do stuff. But you can't make your kids feel stuff. For example, you can make your kids read certain books. You can't make your kids love "good literature" (however defined) and be voracious readers.

You're not completely correct. I am 100% sure I created the right environment to nurture a love of classical music and books! And as a result, since they like doing those things, we can pursue what I wanted them to do all along. If I had a child who hated reading, I would check for dyslexia. My son with special needs does not have dyslexia.

I don't view parenting as "let the chips fall where they may" kind of thing. No. I want my children interested in certain things, and I paved the way for it a long time ago. I am also prepared to support other activities for which they develop affinities and that I did not plan for.