Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex dried up" is pretty vague -- are you initiating and getting shot down or you're both just busy and it's not a priority? As for the rest -- you don't care if she's home sick, you don't want to hear about her day, "she's not a bitch" but you don't care about her -- you are posting like the problem is her but you sound like a really bad husband in your own words. Like, not even a decent acquaintance, let alone lover.

Op here, terrible sex like once every two months. Initiate and get shut down whenever I do. Last time we did I almost told her to stop because honestly it was less enjoyable than doing it myself but I knew that would hurt her a lot. I would not argue your points, that is kind of the point of my post. I am trying to see if there are any suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I am not trying to be like this, and if we rewound the tape to 3/6/17 I would have gotten her soup, stayed at home in bed with her as long as I could have before going back to work and probably texted her like 4 times to see if she needed anything. I just don't have it in me anymore.

If you think she didn't feel that you wanted to stop, you are dead wrong. You were not enjoying her, a huge problem. I don't care if you enjoy yourself, but you can't have a good sex life without enjoying your mate and her knowing it. It can't be just lack of sex that made you not care, if you say that you are friends. Why do you go home for lunch if it only brings the negative out? What is so appalling about your wife? Give us more than "no sex".

People change. Physically and mentally. I used to have a strong sex drive. Kids changed me. Not just from a mental perspective. Physically/hormonally/etc. I don't respond to sex the same way anymore. My body does not respond the same way. What used to work.. doesn't anymore. What used to take minutes... can take hours now. What used to feel good... does not anymore. And I hate when people say things like "you are doing it wrong" or "you just need to spice things up" or "go away alone together.." etc. As if I haven't tried any number of things to fix the situation myself. Its embarrassing to have this issue and it often feels like something is wrong.. like I am broken.

I am saying all this because I can empathize with your wife. You are not wrong for wanting more... but It just might not be as easy as asking for more physical intimacy. And it might not be that easy for her to discuss/fix/change.

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good components. And it sounds like it would be worth trying to keep/save. Just try to understand the other perspective...

My ex changed in his approach to sex and during sex around year 6 or 7 of marriage. It was not a big change but it drastically impacted how I felt about it and absolutely killed my desire for him. I started avoiding sex (doing as rare and as fast as possible). After 4 years of that we got divorced. His attempts at talking about were very similar to what I didn't like about the new approach. I did not feel any desire coming from him, more like demands. It was all about him, about his sex life, just like you are describing your "it was so bad I wanted to stop".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.

Crying/not a good wife is pretty much the standard response, and the lack of change is telling. You are just going to have to bite the bullet and have an affair. Probably would make things better for both of you.

Just address the issues, please. There is no need to pull anyone into YOUR mess.

Anonymous wrote:This is exactly what’s happened in my marriage. We had a terrific sex life but DW lost all desire after giving birth. No sex in ten years. DW had me sign on to Tinder.

Only bother other married women, please.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, no, no. I don't accept this PP. If sex is important to him ensuring access to it should be important to his wife. If OP were disappointed in DW's unwillingness to, for example, watch the kids so he could attend a religious service to manifest his profound faith then no one would criticize him. OP did not sign up for near-celibacy. Most married people don't. And that is a legitimate desire.

There are people who believe sex is an optional part of marriage, and those who believe it is an essential part of marriage. They will never convince each other, and you sort of know which team you are on.

Exactly. I think that it is a major difference that cannot be reconciled without a lot of devotion and effort by both parties. I just don't want that kind of union for myself any longer because like many high-libido spouses I have noticed that the most of the sacrifices are being made by me. The low-libido spouse is often quite comfortable with letting the other spouse wither inside. They know you won't leave because you love your kids too much. That is why they don't act like this when just dating.

Anonymous wrote:I don’ understand why women can’t just make a 20 minutes effort twice a week to make their husband happy. I know we are busy, kids, work, House, etc. Women, get your husband to pay for house cleaner once a week and in “exchange” you can have sex with him. It would take you much more than 20 minutes to clean the house and much more effort for sure!

Easy!

Also, I am sure you will enjoy it even if not that much!

Many do because they want the family, home and don't want to divorce. It's like the guy who has to communicate more than he wants. It's part of the marital expectation.
Ask her about her day, and stuff you find boring. Do the dishes and cook 2-3 times a week. Relationships are work, and that includes the sex part. No you don't always enjoy it especially if you'd rather be doing other things. However, once or twice a week is reasonable unless your spouse is not doing their share in the relationship in other areas.

omg. ok. happily married 20 y.o. DW here (and we've had our rough spots)

What got me to reply to this is when OP said (3/6/17 he's behave very differently if wife was sick) and also that he is not looking to step out.

1) We had no parent support, no one we could leave the kids with. It just seemed like other parents were completely nannied up or had their own parents or siblings in town to watch their kids; or had no one like us. High school kids these days are overloaded with homework or headed off to college. There didn't seem to be an in between where parents could just get a sitter to watch kids for a weekend once in a while.

However, OP, you must make this a priority. This is your marriage. FIND someone to leave your kids with! FIND two people, like sisters or two best friends or something, and leave your kids and go away for two nights. Go someplace close if that will help one or both of you feel like 'if something happens, we can drive back."

One thing I didn't know until recently is that au pairs get days off, and often want to babysit because they want to make some money so they can explore the US when they are done with their stint. They don't get much from their host family because they get room and board. I had no idea about this, that an au pair would be thrilled with the extra cash to work with kids on her weekends off. You could get one, but you really could get two--many of these au pairs know each other, so find one and coordinate with her so she comes with a friend. Your kids will have a blast and they will too.

Alternatively, if you are ok with another family watching your kids for a night, and then you watching their kids for a night, go for that. But don't stay at home; get thee to a hotel.

I say that because often for DWs, the home is really become the nest, and it's just not sexy space, it's maternal space. (this should really be its own bullet point; it's important to understand this, OP! Hotel. She isn't waiting for little Larlo to call for mommy, and she doesn't have to wash the sheets.)

2) Expectations. I'm typing now so can't go back to confirm, but your kids are young, right? As a PP said, it's a season. When they are all in school, it gets better, and as they age, it gets better.

3) I am not one to go to counseling (it's hard, if you don't give a crap, to have to research and coordinate counseling; hell, that's harder than bringing her soup and you aren't up for that even) but I wouldn't rule it out.

Good luck, OP!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.

Ok so what is the reason she's given you? If sex isn't her cup of tea it's still somewhat of a obligation in the marriage. Just like like anything else. Why can't she meet you half way?
Going by what you've posted I suspect she's not crazy about sex, probably never was. And like you she can't "muster enough to fake it". Lots of people feel that way, but a healthy marriage requires compromise. I do things I don't like for my spouse and vice versa. You can't always put yourself first.

I don't think this is a deal breaker because you have too much positive. I'm really curious what reason she's given you because the crying and bad wife explanation.

I don’ understand why women can’t just make a 20 minutes effort twice a week to make their husband happy. I know we are busy, kids, work, House, etc. Women, get your husband to pay for house cleaner once a week and in “exchange” you can have sex with him. It would take you much more than 20 minutes to clean the house and much more effort for sure!

Easy!

Also, I am sure you will enjoy it even if not that much!

Anonymous wrote:No, no, no. I don't accept this PP. If sex is important to him ensuring access to it should be important to his wife. If OP were disappointed in DW's unwillingness to, for example, watch the kids so he could attend a religious service to manifest his profound faith then no one would criticize him. OP did not sign up for near-celibacy. Most married people don't. And that is a legitimate desire.

There are people who believe sex is an optional part of marriage, and those who believe it is an essential part of marriage. They will never convince each other, and you sort of know which team you are on.

No, no, no. I don't accept this PP. If sex is important to him ensuring access to it should be important to his wife. If OP were disappointed in DW's unwillingness to, for example, watch the kids so he could attend a religious service to manifest his profound faith then no one would criticize him. OP did not sign up for near-celibacy. Most married people don't. And that is a legitimate desire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you don't want a divorce but maybe she does? Sounds like you're not well matched but it sounds like you could be friends and good co-parenting partners.

OP here, no I wouldn't think so. She is pretty happy. If you asked her if our marriage would good she would say its great. Its almost like she is blind to the fact that the sex issue is so big, even though I have told her multiple times that it is. We are well matched as husband and wife, just not lovers-though we used to be. She was never a nymph or anything but it was good, enough for me to want to sign up for it for the rest of my life We are good friends, and co parents, just that's not what I want from my wife.

You have a great marriage if this is the big problem...omg. People like you blow it for the entire family because they can't get everything their way. You are over valuing one thing.

Consider having a serious talk about compromising to have sex twice a month. For many if you have to too much it gets old and boring. Maybe she's that type, but surely there is a compromise. Otherwise, divorce would bring many new and BIGGER problems. I mean really come on...

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses. In terms of direct talk, not an option. Have talked about it on multiple times (sex/intimacy, not about not caring) and she does the usual break down and cry, I'm not a good wife response with no change at all. I am hesitant to say it directly becuase the way she is she would take it horribly and it can't be taken back. Like I said I don't want to make the marriage worse. I doubt she would cheat as she is a fiercely loyal person in general, and I don't think I would cheat, but who knows. Just went home for lunch (I work close) and she is home sick and I honestly didn't really care either way. Not who I am as a person in general but at this point I can't really muster enough to fake it.

Crying/not a good wife is pretty much the standard response, and the lack of change is telling. You are just going to have to bite the bullet and have an affair. Probably would make things better for both of you.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you both are depressed tbh. Individual therapy probably a good start but I also think that finding something that you can do together that you can both immersed yourselves in would help. You need to have a relationship again before you can have an intimate sex and loving sex life again. Cooking class? Exercise? Some hobby?

This is the kind of flummery I hate. He is not depressed just because he has a high sex drive. It's inborn like eye colour or left-handedness. I wanted sex while pregnant, post-partum, in long-term relationships and while just dating casually, working, SAH, lots of hobbies and friends, not very many. Some of us just need that kind of affirmation and release. If anything is depressing OP it is probably the lack of sex.