Congratulations on 30 years!! That really is wonderful! Sadly, my husband was abusive to our children and to me and so my marriage ended after eight years of trying really hard. I do have many dear friends who have amazing marriages that have lasted many years. I believe deeply in marriage so it makes me really happy and thankful to see couples like that. I also hold out hope for my children that they will have good, strong marriages.

Almost 20 years with four kids and very happily married. DH knows how to communicate & share feelings (which I didn't know was so rare at the time), neither of us has a need to be "right," we are kind to one another and we realize a good marriage takes work and we both make an effort to do things that we know are important to the other. For example I made a big effort to jump start our sex life after the small baby stage not because I was feeling it but knew it was super important to him. He makes a big effort to be helpful around the house because he knows that is important to me. We also assume good intention. If one of us says something that hurts the other's feelings, we don't assume it was intentional.

I will say that one of the most important things we did was go into this marriage with our eyes wide open. I wasn't one of those women desperate to get married - I was very secure in who I was as a person and my career and only wanted to marry someone that I felt was compatible for the long haul (someone who would take care of me when I was sick, someone I could have reasonable conversations without very tough topics like money, would I take time off after having kids, how many kids, where to live, etc. etc.). We got all of that out on the table before marriage and it wasn't that we figured our whole life out beforehand but we developed a shared history of talking about them and problem solving together.

Almost 20 years in and happily married.

We came in with a lot of advantages -- very similar backgrounds, same religion, same approach to spending/saving money, compatible views on raising children. That immediately removed most of the things couples fight about. We were also a little older (early 30's) when we met and had both been around the block more than a few times, so we were both fully formed adults. Less chance we would "grow apart." Finally, we're both relatively self sufficient people. We love and enjoy each other, but we're not joined at the hip.

If you know who you are (and your spouse knows who he/she is) before you get married, you have a decent shot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are almost to our 8 yr anniversary, but we have found something that both of us had given up on. I already had kids, he didn't want any of his own, so he has helped raise mine like they're his, and the love and respect I see between him and the kids is a wonderful thing. We laugh all the time, we talk all the time, and we truly enjoy each other. We're both older, he's almost 51 and retired from law enforcement, and I'm almost 46. He's driving a school bus because he always wanted to work with kids, but he also enjoys being able to come home during the day and spend time with me. We've been through deaths, financial hardships, serious health issues (for me and for two of my children), but they have brought us closer together, and our love grows stronger every day. I can see 30 years together. I can see longer if my health lasts. True love does exist.

This is a wonderful story, thanks for sharing, PP.

Agree, wish you the best and thanks for giving us all hope.

great posting. gives me hope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are almost to our 8 yr anniversary, but we have found something that both of us had given up on. I already had kids, he didn't want any of his own, so he has helped raise mine like they're his, and the love and respect I see between him and the kids is a wonderful thing. We laugh all the time, we talk all the time, and we truly enjoy each other. We're both older, he's almost 51 and retired from law enforcement, and I'm almost 46. He's driving a school bus because he always wanted to work with kids, but he also enjoys being able to come home during the day and spend time with me. We've been through deaths, financial hardships, serious health issues (for me and for two of my children), but they have brought us closer together, and our love grows stronger every day. I can see 30 years together. I can see longer if my health lasts. True love does exist.

This is a wonderful story, thanks for sharing, PP.

Agree, wish you the best and thanks for giving us all hope.

It is so difficult to figure out what really contributed to our success. DH and I came into the relationship without any baggage at a very young age. We were each other's first and only love. Dated for 5 years and were virgins when we married. So we did not have any previous relationships or broken hearts. We came from similar households, no divorces, no abuse-addiction-adultery, educated families, middle class, conservative spenders, education and children were made priority. We got along with each others parents.
In terms of education, both DH and I are similarly educated, and have equal partnership. We agree on most every aspect of our marriage, finances, children etc. We share the same values, principles and goals. Our children are healthy, good students, moral citizens and loving human beings. We have a decent HHI and we are doing well in terms of savings etc. DH has a secure job, I was lucky to retire very early and stay at home with my kids. In other words, we have not had the drama of previous relationships, financial hardships, infertility or SN children, disability, significant health problems, ILs, job insecurity, adultery-abuse-addiction. We have matched libidos and we have a good love life.
We are very average and very drama-free. We are each other's best friends. We do things together. We have hobbies and a nice circle of friends and we get together with different group of friends at least once a week/10 days. We volunteer and donate to worthy causes and that makes us feel good but also utterly thankful. We are a team.

Anonymous wrote:My husband travels a lot. I don’t mean to be flip, but 30 Years was a big deal for us. I felt like he cut and ran when the going got tough. I not only had no respect for him, I wanted to leave him. I have forgiven him for not being there. The kids have not.
Good for you OP. You sound perfect.

Same boat but only 15 in

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage success story? I made it 5 years in my 3rd marriage before I got bored, found an AP and left DH. 5 years is a record for me in a marriage.

Why bother to get married? Serious question.

hypergamy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:20 years for us. We may be a success story in the future.

Married, yes for love, but similar backgrounds, and yes because it was time, and yes for procreation. Because, the urge to procreate is one most women cannot escape in our mid-twenties and early-thirties. At least I couldn't. It is similar to men's urge to f*ck.

And in that respect, we are a success. As an arranged marriage (we aren't, but I kind of view us that way) we are a success. We get along. We are respectful. We are together as parents. For those people who say love is a verb, not a feeling, well, we are a brilliant shining star looking like a huge success.

Act like you love him. It might get you there in the end!

This doesn’t sound like a success story. Sounds like you two got married for pragmatic reasons and you’re learning to like it.

The why they got married doesn't matter. How they did/are doing does. I overheard the parents of the bride and groom at our friends wedding chatting about 'I hope our kids make it.... you never know....' One set had married for love. The other set married because their first marriages failed and they had kids to raise, and they liked each other enough, had things in common and it was easier to wrangle the kids. That has grown into a deep love. Neither is more valid than the other.

I guess the question is how does OP define success??

Anonymous wrote:My marriage success story? I made it 5 years in my 3rd marriage before I got bored, found an AP and left DH. 5 years is a record for me in a marriage.

Why bother to get married? Serious question.

Anonymous wrote:Married for 21 years but don't even like him anymore. Bummer.

Thanks for posting, you really answered the question asked. Helpful.