No way would I want to have dinner with my DH's ex-wife every week. WTF?

He feels guilty. He's doing what he thinks he can/should/must to do make things better.

If his ex-wife and her husband have a problem with it, they can take it up with him directly.

You need to stay out of it, unless this is a legit financial hardship.

The ex? Every week? That would drive me bonkers if I was him....or you.

If she is doing more time-consuming things like travel, he may feel he needs to step up financially out of fairness. Travel means incurring expenses for herself (meals, plane tickets) that, if he traveled, he would be paying for himself.

DH treats his ex wife and kids like this. I think it’s great. He/we have the money. Their kids are my kids too. When DH and I sit down to talk money, we discuss the 4 children. I only have 2 bio children but we are a family of 6.

He gives his ex wife extra money here and there. She takes care of a lot of things so he/I don’t have to. That college road trip—yeah, he gave her extra money. Hotels, food, gas add up quick. That music competition that she qualified for—yep, extra money because why shouldn’t our daughter have that opportunity? The new computers for the kids—yep, above and beyond ordered support. He could have taken them to buy them, but she did it. What difference does it make who drives the kids to the store to buy the computers?

OP look at it this way-if you and DH divorces wouldn’t you want you and your children to be treated like this?

I don't really care about the paying part as long as he can afford it, but it would get old QUICK going to dinner with the ex-wife, mom, and her BF too EVERY WEEK. I wouldn't mind the kids, but sheesh. Are you really going to do this every week for the foreseeable future?

I think he sounds like a good guy. Be happy you married into this situation--it could be much, much worse. Just read some of the other threads on this forum.

My best friend divorced his wife and they are both now remarried and all of the adults get along great. Not "go out to eat once a week" great but I know the two wives text one another and talk regularly. I have to say, I was a bit worried about how it would work when he first told me they were divorcing but I'm really proud of him and his ex-wife and the new spouses. They are all so much happier and the two kids are very well-adjusted.

Don't challenge him on it now, or he'll use the same arguments against you when you divorce.

I do relate to why this would bother you. I can see it. So don't beat yourself up over this feeling.

However, I encourage you to land in a different place on it. I am assuming that you are not going into debt over the money.

In that case, I would focus on how caring and generous your DH is, and that he is loyal. Clearly you know he owes something to his kids, but you want to define what that is. It's up to him. I think it's very positive that he's erring on the side of more rather than less generous. It says wonderful things about him. Remember that part.

Nothing lasts forever. As his kids grow up, they will be less dependent, but yes--they are still his kids, and parents of adults help their kids, too.

Reframe it and don't let it bother you so much is my advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a real catch. Generous, emotionally mature, and a good father. You should let this go as long as it’s not causing financial strain and be proud that you’re with such a good man.

Also, of course he doesn’t want to cut off his 18 year old from financial support! That’s not the norm these days.

OP here. Just to clear this up all of the kids will draw a very generous amount from their 529 (enough to cover living expenses) so the plan was never cutting them off! I agree with the general sentiment to not say anything. I was just curious if other blended families ever felt similar.

I can tell you that as a teenaged child of divorce, if my dad's new wife thought she had any say over this, that would ruin our relationship. Remember, you chose to join a family with a financial system already in place. They did not ask for your input.

OP here. I would never say anything to the child. And am deciding not to say anything to DH. I know my place. Im a good stepmom (try hard) and am not trying to ruin any financial system.

The child would know even if you did not say anything. You can't just change a family norm without people asking why.

Why does this bother your "gut"?

This. You're not financially struggling, so why is it bothering you? If the extra $ he's giving his ex is keeping you from buying XYZ, that's a more concrete discussion than-"it bugs me to see you giving your ex so much $."

OP, I get that this is an adjustment if you have been a single mom without a ton of money. But paying for a lot of stuff until after college and maybe a little later is normal in affluent families. If you object to a specific expense that is one thing, but in general affluent families do not require their children to do a lot of paid work while in college or forego worthwhile opportunities for lack of funds. Not like spoiling the kids, but paying for things that seem worthwhile.

If he is not similarly generous to you and your daughter, then that would be a legitimate issue.

You married a good man.

Sounds like a good dad and a son, and you sound like a terrible second, hopefully soon to be another ex! So, while my DH and I are paying for DS 18's college, food, and everything else your DH should cut off his son? Why, because he is so much more mature the day after turning 18? Nobody is kicking kids out at 18, if he is off to college your DH will be paying much more per month than now. The statement about family patriarch was a bit over the top... but that's all.

It does sound like he feels guilty, or perhaps it's a power play. Or maybe the custody agreement just doesn't match up with the real expenses, or there is something he wants for the child that the ex is not as excited about so he pays more of it. I really don't see the harm, OP. His children have put up with a lot of upheaval in a short period of time, and lost out on their family and time with their parents. That is the reality of joint custody, it can be hard and he wants to do everything he can to make it easier. Is that so bad? If you don't have the experience of divorce and joint custody with older kids, you may not understand how tough it can be.

Anonymous wrote:He sure feels guilty, where you the AP?

Read the post people. Come on now. Lets play fair.