Thanks for the feedback. I'm going to keep thinking about the issue - there's no need to decide right away.

I think not wishing to spend money on vanity is a legitimate perspective. There are big opportunity costs.

First a boob job, next is tummy tuck. Soon followed by face lifting and collagen implants. After that is butt lift and some cryo- work...it’ll never end.

Yes OP, you ARE being selfish. No amount of plastic surgery is going to change your mental image of yourself. You can’t seem to handle the idea that you’re not 18 anymore. Grow up and enjoy your life and give yourself to your husband who seems to enjoy you as you are.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 44 years old and want to get a breast lift. I'm very unhappy with my appearance and feel unattractive, and am having trouble enjoying being intimate with DH because of it. DH is very opposed to the idea of my getting this surgery done. He agrees that there's an issue with sagging, but doesn't think its a big deal. He is also very concerned about something going wrong during the surgery - we have two kids and his view is that it would be selfish to undergo elective surgery for cosmetic reasons when there is a chance (albeit small) of something going wrong. He also thinks it would make more sense to use the money for something the family could all enjoy together, like an international vacation.

Am I being really selfish by wanting to do this? I can't imagine living the next 20 plus years feeling this unattractive, and I don't think I am going to be able to just move past this feeling on my own without having this done.

He's points are rationale but must be weighted less than your feelings on the subject. Go ahead.

Serious question, OP:

Would you stop at a breast lift? Or would a year from now you decide you want a facial procedure? Or work done on your arms? Or a tummy tuck?

Honestly, I'm genuinely fairly satisfied with the remainder of my appearance - there's nothing else I'd like to change that would require cosmetic surgery. After the kids are out of braces (which will be in a year or two), I am going to consider getting them for myself, but that's about it.

Serious question, OP:

Would you stop at a breast lift? Or would a year from now you decide you want a facial procedure? Or work done on your arms? Or a tummy tuck?

having trouble enjoying being intimate with DH because of it

I call BS. I can't believe you're not a deeper person than that. I'm not against you getting the breast lift but if you are allowing this to matter - AT ALL, to the more important issue of the health of your marriage .. you are so screwed up and a breast lift isn't going to fix your deeper problems.

Team dh. I think as a parent all unnecessary surgery needs to be tabled until the kids are 18.

Op, I wanted a similar surgery pretty much my whole life and promised myself at 40 I would do it. Now, as a parent, I’m not willing to take a risk that could cost my life - even if a slim chance.

I would do it. I love my breasts and wear very supporting bras day and night. Always wore bras when breastfeeding and pumping and they have not changed much from when I was 20 (they have a little, they feel emptier, but they still look good and perky). If and when that won’t be the case anymore, I will get a boob job and I am sure my husband will be very supportive. Don’t let some people on an anonymous boast make you feel bad about wanting to feel attractive (for YOURSELF)

Haha my therapist 100% supported my getting a tummy tuck so maybe therapy would be good after all. So what if no one hardly sees it. Much like I feel better wearing nice bras and panties, I feel better knowing my outsides look more appealing to me. It's not about men. It's about me.

I think if you're relatively healthy you should do it.

I had a tummy tuck, and was freaking out a little (what if something happened and I was the awful person who left my kids momless just to get rid of 4 lbs of sagging skin). I had never been under anesthesia before either which added to my fear.

But I'm so glad I did it! I feel good about doing something for myself - why not?? Unless you genuinely cannot afford it or are pretty unhealthy, I say start going to consults. Tell dh you're curious what the doctors would suggest and how they see it.

I only did two consults, but I enquired about breasts as well and they measure for sagging - mine weren't sagging, just a bit deflated looking. So I decided to live with that. Maybe getting actual measured values might help? I also opted out of boobs because they only last 20ish years.

Does dh have anxiety or is he overly cautious about life in general? Could you present a detailed plan or picture of how it would go to settle him a bit? Is he insecure and possibly threatened if you look hotter/have more confidence from feeling better about yourself?

You only have one life and if this will help, do it.

I agree with your dh too. You can do what you want for your body, but if it’s a lot of money (I don’t know how much these procedures cost), I think he’s allowed to have input. I also think the risks of surgery should not be ignored.

Anonymous wrote:

He said he likes your boobs!

He didn't exactly say that. He said he's still attracted to me overall and the sagging doesn't particularly bother him. I am fairly sure that his position is that he liked them better the way they used to be, but the current situation isn't a deal-breaker in terms of his attraction to me.

I definitely have zero interest in a divorce or pleasing some other person besides DH and myself.

You can't do anything about the surgical risk, but is there some way you could "save up" for the surgery out of money you currently use for something else? Maybe half could come from marital savings and half from you giving up some other things that are just for you (like your clothing budget, or special classes, or eating out, or fancy scotch -- this would recoup a lot in my house if DH gave it up).

I googled it, and the average cost is 5K for a lift. That's not a tremendous amount of money.

Anonymous wrote:Dear Midlife Crisis,

Everything your husband says makes complete sense.

Also, not to put too fine a point on it, but people who are desperate to change their appearance usually have an underlying anxiety or depressive disorder *that will come roaring back* after they change their appearance. So you would be putting yourself at risk for nothing.

It's not the sagging. It's coming to terms with your life and your age, that's the real issue here.

BUT.
It's your body.
You have that surgery if you want it!

!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

He said he likes your boobs!

He didn't exactly say that. He said he's still attracted to me overall and the sagging doesn't particularly bother him. I am fairly sure that his position is that he liked them better the way they used to be, but the current situation isn't a deal-breaker in terms of his attraction to me.

I definitely have zero interest in a divorce or pleasing some other person besides DH and myself.

I'm a PP (who has small boobs and have thought about getting a boob job), and I totally understand wanting to do it for yourself. However, there are risks and costs associated with this. Also, I assume you are relatively young, and as you get older, there will be other things about you that will age and sag. Will you want to have medical procedures every time you don't like how you look? And the boobs are something no one else sees without some support other than you and your DH. Imagine how much more you'll want to "fix" something that you don't like as you age that is more visible.

Anonymous wrote:

He said he likes your boobs!

He didn't exactly say that. He said he's still attracted to me overall and the sagging doesn't particularly bother him. I am fairly sure that his position is that he liked them better the way they used to be, but the current situation isn't a deal-breaker in terms of his attraction to me.

I definitely have zero interest in a divorce or pleasing some other person besides DH and myself.

It seems like your husband is a perfectly rational man. Of course he liked your boobs better when they were "better," but he realizes people grow and change in all sorts of ways throughout life and is embracing the change.

I agree with your husband on this one. Choosing serious elective surgery when you have small children seems like you're not making your children the most important thing in your life. I understand that you feeling good about yourself will translate to being a better mother and your children will be positively affected by your uplift in self-esteem, but it seems you can make that happen in other ways.