Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 14:08     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.


This response makes it clear he is complaining to his mother that you're not pulling your weight. I think you need to dig deeper and talk to him about what he's thinking. I feel for you OP... clearly he doesn't have the balls to tell you himself and has to rely on mommy to do it for him...
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 14:06     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
OP, I *guarantee* your MIL is not only a miserable person, but had/has a miserable marriage, whose DH did not give a rat's arse about her. To say she is bitter is an understatement. Tell the hag to MYOB and stay out of your marriage.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 14:05     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:She clearly hates you, is acting like a jealous lover and not a mother. This has nothing to do with money, this is her trying to sow discord between you and your DH so she can become no 1 in his life again. Toxic.


x10000

Exactly this. Jealous b**ch.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 14:01     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.


You have a husband problem AND a MIL problem. Not good. Keep that job, and don't put a penny in any joint account.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 13:57     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
OP here.

I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.

In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.

I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.

I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.

And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?

I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.

I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 12:14     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.

I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.


MIL doesn't need to know your finances, unless she is paying your expenses. In that case, you and DH need a quiet delegated time to discuss the situation.

If MIL isn't paying, then it's none of her business, and again you and DH must discuss information boundaries.

Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:59     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I never understand these spouses ho keep their finances separate. It’s easier if you actually act married and have a joint account. You brought this on yourself.


Not OP, it’s not for you to understand. Just because you don’t do something does not mean it doesn’t work for others. My husband and I have separate finances, have never disagreeed about money and it works for us. He pays for everything, we have no debt except a mortgage and we have successful careers.

If someone is in an abusive relationship or their spouse or partner is reckless with money you absolutely should keep your finances separate for the reasons of financial security to get out of an abusive relationship or to ensure the bills get paid if your spouse or partner is going to blow their paycheck once it’s deposited. One of the main reasons victims of abuse never leave is because they have no money to do it. A separate savings or checking your spouse does not have access to is not a bad thing unless you are buying drugs or hookers, etc...


What?!?

I agree separate finances are important in cases of abuse. However, I’m not in an abusive marriage and I’m not planning my life as if my spouse is going to suddenly decide to become abusive and reckless with money (despite never having done either.) Your defense of separate finances proves my point. If you have these types of concerns about your partner, you probably shouldn’t be married. Seriously, why would you stay with a partner like this? The separate finances seems like the canary in the coal mine as being indicative of much larger issues - most notably a terrible marriage. Get out. You don’t have to live like this.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:23     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
MIL, while I am tempted to respond "MYOB", you are aware that I also work and contribute financially to the marriage, right? I think this conversation is very inappropriate. I'll ask Hubby to speak to you directly about how he feels about our situation.

Meanwhile ask DH if he has concerns, if he wants a different financial approach, and to tell his mom to MYOB.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:18     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
She clearly hates you, is acting like a jealous lover and not a mother. This has nothing to do with money, this is her trying to sow discord between you and your DH so she can become no 1 in his life again. Toxic.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:12     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand - you're married but you somehow split expenses? Do you not have joint accounts?


New poster, but I am married, and my husband and I split expenses.

We have a joint savings account, but we don't pay bills from it.


Same. We have joint checking, joint savings, as well as our own checking and savings. My paycheck goes into my direct deposit checking, as does his.

The bulk of our savings is in the joint accounts--regular savings, college funds, money market funds, etc. We each have separate, job-related retirement accounts, and are each other's beneficiaries. We have specific, short-term goals we save for together, in addition to general retirement/big/long-term savings goals. We each save modest savings for our own personal goals.

We handle bills from our personal accounts, divvying things up about evenly. He does a monthly reconciliation of all costs, and if one of us has spent significantly more on household expenses than the other, we either pay each other back, "forgive" small debts, or toss the amount into the joint savings or something. We have both our names on all of our assets and all of our bills.

Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:11     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:My MIL, when we were alone, earlier today said she is worried about her son. He is so young and she is so anxious about him. He makes good money but he can’t pay for everything and I need to chip in too.

This isn’t the first time she’s done this. I don’t quite know how to react.


Mine has done this. I'm disabled and can't work anymore. MIL used to say "Can't you find something to help? This is so much pressure on him."


FWIW, I've helped out how and where I can.

I finally told her I do what I can. Neither one of us signed up for this. And.... He would be really pissed off if he knew she kept bringing it up. She hasn't said anything for a while.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:05     Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:Who pays the rent/mortgage?


The husband.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:02     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband


This is the strangest
Op, it sounds like you threaten your husband. It sounds like you suggest that you'll leave if you don't get your way. Your husband's biggest problem is that he's in love with you. He fell in love with you without giving enough thought that adults need to have difficult conversations, even about difficult topics like money, and make comprises. He should not be bending to your pouty, childish tantrums. That said, your DH clearly is immature also in that he goes to his mommy and complains. There is no way this is you MIL's business. And despite you sounding like a brat, you should shut-down any talk like this from your MIL.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 11:00     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:So you have a well paid job that you use for shoes and make up?

Do you know about maxing our 401k???


My guess is her "job" is selling Scentsy or some such.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2018 10:44     Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Sounds to me like a MiL who’s trying to start drama. It’s possible that she’s riffing on something she heard from DH. It’s more likely that she just enjoys sowing conflict and having control. This is an aspect of the relationship that MiL felt was vulnerable to being picked apart, so that’s where she struck.