Anonymous
02/26/2018 21:49
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What I said was not the first thing they should say. It is the result of him not following the rules and repeatedly disrespecting the family rules. Only then would I use the threat. I think Dad wants to be friends and cool dad rather than parent. It is not about being a prude. This kid wants the benefits of being an adult ( sex, independence etc) with the benefits of being a kid ( you making lunch, buying him car insurance, using the car) he doesn't respect your DH or you. Why would you put up with this? Your ten year old is watching and learning. Dad is going to want to be friends with ten year old too.
But, this is not my family so not really my problem. I wish you all the best!
So if you told your 18-year-old to follow the family rules or you will kick them out of the house, and your 18-year-old didn't, you would kick your 18-year-old out of the house?
Well, if we are talking about my own kids than I wouldn't be in this situation at all. My kids are older ( 16 and almost 20) and they would never smoke weed or sneak a boyfriend/girlfriend into the house. Not saying they are perfect but, we all get along and like to live in harmony. So, I can't answer this question because it is never going to happen.
However, if op's son was mine than I will tell him he is welcome to live in our house if he played by our rules. He has options. He can live with his mom, he can follow the rules and live with us. But, he can't have it both ways. He isn't an adult if I am making his lunch.
I'm willing to bet your now 20 year old was having sex as a high school senior. You are delusional if you think otherwise.
Anonymous
02/26/2018 16:57
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
What I said was not the first thing they should say. It is the result of him not following the rules and repeatedly disrespecting the family rules. Only then would I use the threat. I think Dad wants to be friends and cool dad rather than parent. It is not about being a prude. This kid wants the benefits of being an adult ( sex, independence etc) with the benefits of being a kid ( you making lunch, buying him car insurance, using the car) he doesn't respect your DH or you. Why would you put up with this? Your ten year old is watching and learning. Dad is going to want to be friends with ten year old too.
But, this is not my family so not really my problem. I wish you all the best!
So if you told your 18-year-old to follow the family rules or you will kick them out of the house, and your 18-year-old didn't, you would kick your 18-year-old out of the house?
Well, if we are talking about my own kids than I wouldn't be in this situation at all. My kids are older ( 16 and almost 20) and they would never smoke weed or sneak a boyfriend/girlfriend into the house. Not saying they are perfect but, we all get along and like to live in harmony. So, I can't answer this question because it is never going to happen.
However, if op's son was mine than I will tell him he is welcome to live in our house if he played by our rules. He has options. He can live with his mom, he can follow the rules and live with us. But, he can't have it both ways. He isn't an adult if I am making his lunch.
Anonymous
02/26/2018 16:12
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Your house rules are much more lenient than I would EVER allow. I don't care that he got admitted to college. Your are paying for it, right? My approach with kids is when they act like a 3 year old, you start treating them that way. Yes, that means you check his room every night or better yet, remove the door. I would be silently furious with the girlfriend too and would not be taking her out to dinner anytime soon. Remember your house, your rules. When DS breaks the rules, he loses his privleges like the car, allowance etc.
Anonymous
02/26/2018 15:17
Subject: 18 year old in the house
So, let me get this straight? Dad is very easy going, ok with some pot, but unhappy with sneaking girlfriend and not being told where his son is over night? So, all kid needs to do is bring girlfriend to the front door and tell his dad where he is going? Problem solved.
Did Dad cheat on his ex, mom of this teen? Did Dad sneak around? Or did mom do something like that? No wonder kid has no respect for dad or mom, even divorced they can't make up their mind about what is ok and what is not ok. Messed up parents are messed up for a reason, and kids end up SOMETIMES, keep in mind I said sometimes, messed up too. And clearly this kid is a result of messed up parents.
Did Dad cheat on his ex, mom of this teen? Did Dad sneak around? Or did mom do something like that? No wonder kid has no respect for dad or mom, even divorced they can't make up their mind about what is ok and what is not ok. Messed up parents are messed up for a reason, and kids end up SOMETIMES, keep in mind I said sometimes, messed up too. And clearly this kid is a result of messed up parents.
Anonymous
02/26/2018 14:10
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Anonymous wrote:
What I said was not the first thing they should say. It is the result of him not following the rules and repeatedly disrespecting the family rules. Only then would I use the threat. I think Dad wants to be friends and cool dad rather than parent. It is not about being a prude. This kid wants the benefits of being an adult ( sex, independence etc) with the benefits of being a kid ( you making lunch, buying him car insurance, using the car) he doesn't respect your DH or you. Why would you put up with this? Your ten year old is watching and learning. Dad is going to want to be friends with ten year old too.
But, this is not my family so not really my problem. I wish you all the best!
So if you told your 18-year-old to follow the family rules or you will kick them out of the house, and your 18-year-old didn't, you would kick your 18-year-old out of the house?
Anonymous
02/26/2018 12:53
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Don't you think that the threat of kicking him out will make him respect your boundaries? Maybe if you gave him some rules to follow that he might actually follow them? Believe me, you will be in this situation soon agian with your ten year old because that is what they are learning! I can do whatever I want and mom and dad might not like it but, I still get to do what I want.
Of course, he might test you and then if you did nothing that would be worse. If it was me I would get all the parents together to figure out a solution. Step son is playing all of you and needs parenting. If you don't do this there is a chance it could turn out ok but, there is a chance you could have a step grandchild.
Never make threats unless you're willing to follow through on them. And OP and the father are not willing to kick him out of the house. I wouldn't be willing either.
What I said was not the first thing they should say. It is the result of him not following the rules and repeatedly disrespecting the family rules. Only then would I use the threat. I think Dad wants to be friends and cool dad rather than parent. It is not about being a prude. This kid wants the benefits of being an adult ( sex, independence etc) with the benefits of being a kid ( you making lunch, buying him car insurance, using the car) he doesn't respect your DH or you. Why would you put up with this? Your ten year old is watching and learning. Dad is going to want to be friends with ten year old too.
But, this is not my family so not really my problem. I wish you all the best!
+1. I have a rule that if my kids want to play house (i.e., have a boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night), they're then old enough to play house for real. They get a place to live, where the two can be a happy couple with all the benefits. I agree it's not being prudish, it's just if you're adult enough to have an adult relationship, you'll live as one. And not on my dime.
Same with the pot smoking. Smoke away in your own place. But right now since your DH doesn't want to rock the boat with his DS, it's kinda pointless. Your DSS has the upper hand and is running the show.
Anonymous
02/26/2018 11:02
Subject: 18 year old in the house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Don't you think that the threat of kicking him out will make him respect your boundaries? Maybe if you gave him some rules to follow that he might actually follow them? Believe me, you will be in this situation soon agian with your ten year old because that is what they are learning! I can do whatever I want and mom and dad might not like it but, I still get to do what I want.
Of course, he might test you and then if you did nothing that would be worse. If it was me I would get all the parents together to figure out a solution. Step son is playing all of you and needs parenting. If you don't do this there is a chance it could turn out ok but, there is a chance you could have a step grandchild.
Never make threats unless you're willing to follow through on them. And OP and the father are not willing to kick him out of the house. I wouldn't be willing either.
What I said was not the first thing they should say. It is the result of him not following the rules and repeatedly disrespecting the family rules. Only then would I use the threat. I think Dad wants to be friends and cool dad rather than parent. It is not about being a prude. This kid wants the benefits of being an adult ( sex, independence etc) with the benefits of being a kid ( you making lunch, buying him car insurance, using the car) he doesn't respect your DH or you. Why would you put up with this? Your ten year old is watching and learning. Dad is going to want to be friends with ten year old too.
But, this is not my family so not really my problem. I wish you all the best!