OP, I am in your exact situation. My father abandoned us when I was 5. He, too, is an alcoholic. We haven't heard from him in over 30 years. We found out last year that he is dying. After hearing the news, I contemplated whether to go see him but I've chosen not to. The reason being is that the closure I would be looking for would never happen. There is nothing he could say that would ever come close to what I would want from that encounter. The little kid in me wants the man to apologize and ask my forgiveness, and for him to say that he's been thinking of me over the years and always wondered about me. The adult in me realizes the chances of that happening are nearly non-existent - and even if it did, could I really believe anything he said? For me, the answer is no. At this point in my life, I don't hate him and I don't need explanations from him. I also don't have any interest in assuaging whatever guilt he may feel wondering about how my life turned out. I have no desire to know anything about him. Any curiosity I may have had about him over the years disappeared once I had my own kids and fully realized what type of person could have abandoned his family like he did. If he dies tomorrow, I am 100% content with my decision to not see him.

Some people who are commenting on this have no idea what they are talking about. "There's no harm in a conversation." Oh really? No potential harm in a conversation with a parent who abandoned you?

Listen, OP, if you are considering this seriously, you need to get yourself into therapy so you can talk about what you hope to get out of this and all the possibilities for what might happen. This could open the door to a lot of emotional pain for you and it's worthwhile considering it carefully and thinking hard about your goals and how to protect yourself. Good luck.

I would reach out to him. Say something comforting to him. At this point, you aren't looking to establish a relationship with him, but you can say goodbye.

I would reconnect, because otherwise the emotional burden
will be too great if he dies and you didn't reach out.

Death brings out ALL kinds of regrets, OP. You don't want to place yourself in that position, believe me.

Give him a chance, he must have had a sad life.

Anonymous wrote:OP, go see a therapist and talk out these feelings. Then if you want to see him, do it with the support of your therapist. He may be recovered and sorry. He may be an asshole. You can't know.

You also don't have to see him. He forfeited any rights to your time or attention when he left you at age 8.

Agree, except for the last part. I agree with the basics of it, but from a human love point of view, you never forfeit your right to love. He may have some love in him for his child that has resurfaced. He has no right to expect her to want to see him and it sounds like he doesnt expect that.

So, whether she sees him or not probably won't be based on the notion that he forfeited rights to her time and attention.

No simple answers to this one!

OP, go see a therapist and talk out these feelings. Then if you want to see him, do it with the support of your therapist. He may be recovered and sorry. He may be an asshole. You can't know.

You also don't have to see him. He forfeited any rights to your time or attention when he left you at age 8.

Anonymous wrote:I think you're conflicted because he was an addict and a alcoholic and not someone who ran off with another woman and abandoned you deliberately. I would read up about addiction, get some perspective about the disease, and not make emotional decisions (like you did when you blocked him from Facebook). You're pissed off and sad. I think you need to approach this in a more practical way for your healing and his. Maybe approach it from a place of understanding and generosity, rather than reacting to your anger and sadness? I don't know. I'm no expert. But since he didn't do it to me, I'm thinking give the dude a chance?

Nothing about this statement is true. He absolutely abandoned her deliberately. He made a choice to leave. Lots of alcoholics and addicts stay with their families. (She's probably lucky he left. They cause enormous amounts of damage.) He made a choice to abandon his child. Now he gets to live with the consequences.

I have a similar experience and I would recommend to stay away from him. My dad warned me but I really wanted to meet my biological mother anyway. Nothing good came out of it. She promised to take me shopping and then disappeared. I asked her for a ride once and she was "busy". I was in high school at the time. He's probably a lot different than you think. Anyone who abandons their children is a piece of trash. Stay away.

OP, if you aren’t the kind of person that will not get sucked into feeling responsible for your biological father then go for it.

However, I feel a little scared for you because all I see is upside for him and not for you. There’s nothing he can say to make up for his choice not to be there for you when you were a child. Yet, I worry that he will give you some sad song about how he needs money or he needs emotional support in his old age and you will take focus and resources away from your immediate family to help him.

I think that it may help to have closure, because once he's gone, you can never get that opportunity back. If you only meet one time, at least you gave yourself that chance. I would want to know, but partly because my dad killed himself when I was 11, and I will never have the answers to my questions.

Anonymous wrote:OP----thanks for starting this post. I've been thinking for years about trying to find my biological father and I just took the first step today. I don't know if I'll be successful but at least I can tell myself that I've tried. The discussion on your post finally gave me the boost that I've needed to make the effort.

OP here - best of luck to you! I hope it’s what you need.