There is a large body of research that suggests that fighting that involves criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt leads to divorce.

So, it is not so much the content of the issues but how they are dealt with that leads to divorce.

An example of criticism would be telling your spouse s/he is stupid instead of saying how frustrated you are that x does not get done properly.

An example of defensiveness would be ignoring your spouses frustration (perhaps because they criticized you) in favor of telling them how great you are and everything that you do for them.

An example of stonewalling would be truly shutting your spouse out (probably after months and or years of fighting with criticism and defensiveness) and essentially giving them the silent treatment.

And finally, an example of contempt would be sneering at your spouse with disgust because you have concluded that you really think they are truly and totally an idiot that you wish you didn't marry. According to the research, this is the last and worst stage and means divorce is probably just around the corner.

So, if you want to avoid divorce, make an effort neither to criticize the character of your spouse nor to get defensive in the face of their pain (even if they criticized you).

And of course avoid the really bad stonewalling and contempt.

Easier said than done!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

OMG, are you me? This is almost word for word my STBXW and her antics. Women are insane.

Women get “bored” and are always looking for “something more” and to be “cherished”. Not by their own husbands but by strange random men. It’s what they are hardwired to do: Seek attention and validation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been on my mind a lot lately. DH’s job changed dramatically in the last year. He now works so many hours and travels so frequently that I have to SAH as my salary wouldn’t pay for the amount of childcare we would need. His salary alone isn’t enough to pay for help for me. So, I SAH and am exhausted and resentful. It is really hard to take care of 3 kids (one with severe SN) without a break. DH refuses to look for another job. His pays less than 100k. Divorcing wouldn’t help the financial situation, so I haven’t brought it up. But the resentment is growing and it’s driving a wedge.

So you resent (1) taking care of your kids (2) not having to work and staying home (3) your husbands job. Got it!

I resent that I essentially feel like a single parent who lives paycheck to paycheck. I literally get no break and my husband is having nice hotel stays and going out for fancy dinners all the time. My mom was a single parent, but had the reprieve of family help all weekend and for several weeks during the summer. I love my kids and being able to SAH, but no one wants to work 24/7 without a break, no matter how much they like their job. With all the work travel, I feel a lot of space growing between DH and I. I hate it.

That's called, doing his job. You know, the thing that brings in the paycheck that allows you to stay at home. And as for 24/7, business travel sucks. So-called, fancy dinners are after he's put in a full day working, and now has to entertain clients. If not, he's eating a fancy dinner alone in some city he's rather not be in, away from his family and his own bed then likely flying home outside of business hours and expected back in the office the next morning. You think it's glamorous? Why does his salary have to "pay for help" for you? You are SAH and can't handle it that you need paid help? You sound ungrateful and pathetic. I feel sorry for your H.

NP. You are not being fair, PP. Making less than 100k in the DC area and traveling that amount would make any mother crazy. I DO agree that it is a bit silly to conceptualize work travel as glamorous and fun, but the fact remains that no woman wants to feel like a single parent. It honestly sounds like both she and her DH have 24/7 jobs without time together or to relieve each other, and no one can live happily like that for very long.

Work travel might not be all glamorous and fun, but there is some of that for sure. Ask DH if he would be willing to trade places. There is no way he would. That says plenty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been on my mind a lot lately. DH’s job changed dramatically in the last year. He now works so many hours and travels so frequently that I have to SAH as my salary wouldn’t pay for the amount of childcare we would need. His salary alone isn’t enough to pay for help for me. So, I SAH and am exhausted and resentful. It is really hard to take care of 3 kids (one with severe SN) without a break. DH refuses to look for another job. His pays less than 100k. Divorcing wouldn’t help the financial situation, so I haven’t brought it up. But the resentment is growing and it’s driving a wedge.

So you resent (1) taking care of your kids (2) not having to work and staying home (3) your husbands job. Got it!

I resent that I essentially feel like a single parent who lives paycheck to paycheck. I literally get no break and my husband is having nice hotel stays and going out for fancy dinners all the time. My mom was a single parent, but had the reprieve of family help all weekend and for several weeks during the summer. I love my kids and being able to SAH, but no one wants to work 24/7 without a break, no matter how much they like their job. With all the work travel, I feel a lot of space growing between DH and I. I hate it.

That's called, doing his job. You know, the thing that brings in the paycheck that allows you to stay at home. And as for 24/7, business travel sucks. So-called, fancy dinners are after he's put in a full day working, and now has to entertain clients. If not, he's eating a fancy dinner alone in some city he's rather not be in, away from his family and his own bed then likely flying home outside of business hours and expected back in the office the next morning. You think it's glamorous? Why does his salary have to "pay for help" for you? You are SAH and can't handle it that you need paid help? You sound ungrateful and pathetic. I feel sorry for your H.

NP. You are not being fair, PP. Making less than 100k in the DC area and traveling that amount would make any mother crazy. I DO agree that it is a bit silly to conceptualize work travel as glamorous and fun, but the fact remains that no woman wants to feel like a single parent. It honestly sounds like both she and her DH have 24/7 jobs without time together or to relieve each other, and no one can live happily like that for very long.

Sick of being pressured by DH to socialize constantly for his job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

New to this thread. I hope you are getting help, or at least have someone to talk with in real life.

Not new, and PP is totally correct. Every little thing is “abuse” anymore. I can’t even take most of it seriously. Oh, and I’m a woman.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

New to this thread. I hope you are getting help, or at least have someone to talk with in real life.

Anonymous wrote:I have come to believe that in typical marriages, meaning ones absent abuse, alcoholism, etc., fights don't lead to divorce. It's lack of sex. Which sounds ludicrous but it's really not. I have absolutely noticed that when sex is infrequent and sparse, my husband and I genuinely seem to like each other less. Tempers are shorter, things that are merely annoying seem massively problematic. When sex is regular, all of these things are mitigated. We are more forgiving, we are more closely connected.

It's when sex goes away that small issues mount up and seem impossible to work past. Most average, not abusive marriages that fall apart, I really do believe this, could have been saved had a regular sex life been maintained along the way.

+ 1,000,000,000

I have come to believe that in typical marriages, meaning ones absent abuse, alcoholism, etc., fights don't lead to divorce. It's lack of sex. Which sounds ludicrous but it's really not. I have absolutely noticed that when sex is infrequent and sparse, my husband and I genuinely seem to like each other less. Tempers are shorter, things that are merely annoying seem massively problematic. When sex is regular, all of these things are mitigated. We are more forgiving, we are more closely connected.

It's when sex goes away that small issues mount up and seem impossible to work past. Most average, not abusive marriages that fall apart, I really do believe this, could have been saved had a regular sex life been maintained along the way.

Fights did not lead to divorce in our case. Lots of other things did, like sex or vacations. Always agreed on money.

Anonymous wrote:Like the PP I made a really bad choice. My ex charmed me into marrying him, but he was a total fraud. A drunk, a drug addict, a serial cheater and a liar with a horrible temper. I didn't figure all this out for years when we already had a kid. He was a bad person and I'm really sad he's my daughter's father.

You sure aren't very observant or a good judge of people if you didn't notice those things before you let him breed with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s been on my mind a lot lately. DH’s job changed dramatically in the last year. He now works so many hours and travels so frequently that I have to SAH as my salary wouldn’t pay for the amount of childcare we would need. His salary alone isn’t enough to pay for help for me. So, I SAH and am exhausted and resentful. It is really hard to take care of 3 kids (one with severe SN) without a break. DH refuses to look for another job. His pays less than 100k. Divorcing wouldn’t help the financial situation, so I haven’t brought it up. But the resentment is growing and it’s driving a wedge.

So you resent (1) taking care of your kids (2) not having to work and staying home (3) your husbands job. Got it!

I resent that I essentially feel like a single parent who lives paycheck to paycheck. I literally get no break and my husband is having nice hotel stays and going out for fancy dinners all the time. My mom was a single parent, but had the reprieve of family help all weekend and for several weeks during the summer. I love my kids and being able to SAH, but no one wants to work 24/7 without a break, no matter how much they like their job. With all the work travel, I feel a lot of space growing between DH and I. I hate it.

That's called, doing his job. You know, the thing that brings in the paycheck that allows you to stay at home. And as for 24/7, business travel sucks. So-called, fancy dinners are after he's put in a full day working, and now has to entertain clients. If not, he's eating a fancy dinner alone in some city he's rather not be in, away from his family and his own bed then likely flying home outside of business hours and expected back in the office the next morning. You think it's glamorous? Why does his salary have to "pay for help" for you? You are SAH and can't handle it that you need paid help? You sound ungrateful and pathetic. I feel sorry for your H.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

Like the PP I made a really bad choice. My ex charmed me into marrying him, but he was a total fraud. A drunk, a drug addict, a serial cheater and a liar with a horrible temper. I didn't figure all this out for years when we already had a kid. He was a bad person and I'm really sad he's my daughter's father.