Why exactly do you want to be a stay-at-home wife? Why is it worth the financial tradeoff to you?

When I see stuff like that I think you just don't like your job and don't want the hassle of finding a new one, or don't want to work very hard at all. You seem like a nice person but it's not clear from your post why this is desirable to you, let alone to a man.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I've considered the caring for sick laws possibility, I've considered my husband may work long hours. I'm fine with both. I also know how many years I need to work in order to be "vested" for my public teacher's pension. Again, I'm open to working part time once children are in school but ideally I want to stay home for a few years. Co-workers I've spoken with say you retain the years you've taught and just pick back up where you left off. Example: Tecahing for 10 years take a five year break, you'd pick back up on the year 11 salary scale and possibly have to take one or two professional development courses.

That sounds about right, teaching is very well-suited to this. I'm not saying your plan is a bad one, but make sure you are financially literate and have a realistic understanding of the tradeoffs. The kind of man you want will be attracted to that. If you find a man who thinks he can afford a SAHM but really can't, RUN!

OP here, I've considered the caring for sick laws possibility, I've considered my husband may work long hours. I'm fine with both. I also know how many years I need to work in order to be "vested" for my public teacher's pension. Again, I'm open to working part time once children are in school but ideally I want to stay home for a few years. Co-workers I've spoken with say you retain the years you've taught and just pick back up where you left off. Example: Tecahing for 10 years take a five year break, you'd pick back up on the year 11 salary scale and possibly have to take one or two professional development courses.

Do not advertise that in a dating profile!

OP, consider how leaving early will impact your long-term financial health. If you are a teacher, do you have a pension? How will that change depending on the number of years you are paying into the plan? Will your salary as a teacher be affected by the number of years you work? You may want to go back to work when your children are grown-- you never know.

Consider that on just one income, you're planning to pay for a home, raising kids and all their activities, maybe pay for college, maybe their weddings, and on top of that, retirement expenses for TWO people-- and you're likely to outlive him. That's a lot to put on just one income. If you work and bank your income, you'll be able to make a big dent in the down payment and 401(k) in advance.

If considerations like this are unfamiliar to you, definitely take a financial course. Most of the men you will want to date, understand this stuff.

I basically have this lifestyle. I didn’t set out to have it. Circumstances just happened. We met in college and both worked for many years before we had kids. I have a PhD. Now we have three kids under six. DH is a big law partner who travels a lot. We have lots of money and my life isn’t hard, but it’s not a cake walk either. For many people with jobs that make a SAHP a necessity, they work long hours. This means that the SAHP is solo parenting for 12-14 hours a day even when the working partner isn’t traveling. I make dinner but I eat alone with my kids and my husband eats alone when he gets home since we are all asleep. I guess it is easier when you have school-age kids, but I will have kids at home all day for eight years. That’s a lot of work for some free time years from now during the school day. There is no way that our family could work any other way given my husband’s work schedule, so go find yourself a workaholic and then expect to work your butt off for a decade for no pay. I’m not unhappy, but I certainly don’t think that this lifestyle is actually what you imagine it to be.

Anonymous wrote:Man here-- I agree that saying you want to be a stay at home wife can be off-putting. Maybe that's what ends up happening, but I wouldn't put it in your dating profile. It may attract men who are very conservative or belong to certain religions, but others might find it weird. Honestly, with you being so young, it reads as a little naive, like you think everything will be roses and sunbeams as long as you have love.

And +1 on the financial stuff. It's hard enough to support a family without someone tapping out of the workforce early. Isn't it enough to have summers off? Or you could go part-time. Not working at all just seems like, why?

This. Life doesn't go as planned. Unless you specifically want to marry an older man or an independently wealthy man. Younger men are unlikely to have saved enough, or earn enough, for the wedding you no doubt want and the kind of home you'd like to have for your kids (i.e., 3+ BR and a yard in a good school district). If a man in his late 20s or early 30s really feels the need for a stay-at-home wife and is willing to take the financial hit, you have to wonder why. Is it really that hard to cook and clean for two people, that it needs to be your full-time job?

Also, remember that being at home without kids means you take the lion's share of the in-law duties as well. If anything comes up with his parents and they need care, you're doing it. Enjoy!

I work in Arlington, the salary is great for a single person. You don't have summers off as a teacher because of professional development or having to do summer school. Teachers do not get paid for the summer unless they opt to drag their salary out for 12 months instead of 10 months. I'm definitely open to working part time. I've made some friends at my church and signed up to be a mentee to an older woman.

Man here-- I agree that saying you want to be a stay at home wife can be off-putting. Maybe that's what ends up happening, but I wouldn't put it in your dating profile. It may attract men who are very conservative or belong to certain religions, but others might find it weird. Honestly, with you being so young, it reads as a little naive, like you think everything will be roses and sunbeams as long as you have love.

And +1 on the financial stuff. It's hard enough to support a family without someone tapping out of the workforce early. Isn't it enough to have summers off? Or you could go part-time. Not working at all just seems like, why?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Join an actual church.

Realize that you will probably be required to have at least 3 kids. Adoption is a possibility.

I grew up in a wealthy religious area, this is the way all my childhood neighbors live.

OP here, totally fine with a gaggle full of children so long as I have my pick at gym classes that I'm interested in. Hence, that why I became a teacher.

You have a "wonderful salary" as a teacher? Where do you teach? Not knocking you, just wondering where this is so I can tell my struggling teacher friends to apply.

Also, OP, what is your ethnic and religious background?

Anonymous wrote:PP, very wise advice. I think I'll enroll in some financial management classes at one of the local commmnity colleges. I think my future husband would appreciate that. I'm not looking for a man-child nor a super wealthy man either. I would like a husband who does invest in his work, our marriage and our family.

Good idea. But also, consider how you want to raise your kids. Do you enjoy being super frugal and DIY-ing everything? If so, great. If not, then you best be working until your 2nd trimester.

SAHW is just not a great idea. Consider what you will do with fertility troubles. You will go out of your mind, totally bonkers, if you don't have a job other than managing a household of two adults. Adoption can be expensive and IVF is too, and there's no guarantee it'll work. So unless you're psyched to do foster care (and I would encourage you to consider it), I would think very hard about quitting your job in anticipation of baby. They come in their own time, not ours. Stay working, live on his income, and save yours.

So funny. I worked, earned reasonably well, bought a few luxury bags, never planned to stay home. DH saved for the down payment. I never even wanted to buy a house. If, dear OP, you don't want a Zuckerberg or a man-baby, you should consider that most men want a WOHM. I have a male friend who is fabulously wealthy, married a younger woman with advanced degrees. He wishes she'd go back to work because his perception of her as ambitious has changed overnight. And neither money nor childcare matter.

Anonymous wrote:I would be cautious about saying you want to be a stay-at-home wife. I think even men who want a SAHM might be put off by that. They may be concerned that you will get bored, and it can be a lot of pressure on the relationship to have you focused just on caring for him. Or you will attract man-babies who want someone to cater to them and do all the boring household stuff so they never have to lift a finger. That's probably not the kind of man you want to attract.

It also seems like, if you're planning on kids, wouldn't you want to earn some money before they arrive? As an aspiring SAHM, it's important that you be financially prudent and a competent manager of whatever your financial situation is. Unless you're looking exclusively for very wealthy men, this would be off-putting.

This. OP, the best SAHMs are focused on SAHM as a goal from when they are young. They are frugal before the children come, and work hard to provide in advance for their families. Savings from the woman working pre-kids go into purchasing a home big enough for a family-- you'll need a bigger down payment so that you'll have a monthly payment that is manageable on one income. The ability to plan ahead and prioritize having a parent at home is what makes you desirable to a man who wants a SAHM. If you're just hoping someone will come along and pay for everything (including your retirement) while you handle the day-to-day at home, think again.

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about travel, OP? Often men who travel for work need a SAHM to handle everything in their absence, or to bring the kids along and raise them in various other countries. If you're willing to consider living abroad, or being a military wife, make that clear.

+1 Consider adding to profile.

PP, very wise advice. I think I'll enroll in some financial management classes at one of the local commmnity colleges. I think my future husband would appreciate that. I'm not looking for a man-child nor a super wealthy man either. I would like a husband who does invest in his work, our marriage and our family.