Where is tuition cheaper? She wants to transfer because of the boyfriend, there is absolutely nothing else to it. That is a wrong reason. I would think she is better off at a non religious school. To become what? Young woman thought to be demure and inferior to men? That is what conservative means to me. I have thought my DD never to make boys a priority, that they are nothing but a passing amusement. Your stepdaughter is making a wrong decision, she thinks her life is correlated to her boyfriend, she is better off staying where she is and learning that she, alone, is all that should ever matter to her and her choices.

You've gotten lots of good advice but I would encourage you all to at least look at other "similar" schools (small, religious, etc.). She might still decide to go to the BF's school but at least she can make a slightly more informed one. Also, she might find a school she likes much better and then she could go there for a year and if she really likes it and she is still with the BF, they could explore having him transfer there.

A risk of having her transfer to his school is that she will immediately be brought into his social sphere. That makes it much, much harder to break up if it doesn't work out as she is less likely to have her own friendship circle/ support system. And sticking with a guy for the wrong reasons is a recipe for disaster...

Good luck navigating this. Sounds like your stepdaughter has a lot of thoughtful adults who care deeply about her.

Can you post the names of the two schools? I think it depends on whether there is a difference in quality.

She makes her own decisions - - within the realm of what you are able to provide financially. She is an adult.

Anonymous wrote:

1. Do you like the boyfriend? Is he a decent guy?

2. If she has been sheltered, do you see a life skills benefit for her in being in an environment with more religious and cultural diversity?

3. What is the culture of the new school? Some religious schools are really just marriage selection grounds. This is a different concern than the quality of the education. Is the culture o the school one that teaches women to be submissive and frowns upon women working outside the home or in non-nurture professions?

OP here. Y'all ask good questions!

Yes, the BF is a good guy. The families have known each other for many years.

Yes, she's been sheltered, but is open-minded...and yeah, DH and I at least (less so her mom and stepdad) would've loved her to be in a setting with more diversity of all sorts.

About the culture of the school -- well, I don't know much, but there's this: at Christmas I was chatting with the BF and I asked him what surprised him most about the first semester. He said it was the huge emphasis/peer pressure to get married -- "get the ring by spring," he told me -- and how many people seemed solely focused on that. Yeeeeeikes. I mean, to his credit at least that was surprising to him, but it does make me wonder about your point above.

Let her make the decision. She's old enough to decide, and she's also old enough to make this commitment to her boyfriend. It may be a mistake, or it may work out perfectly. As long as the new college is reputable, I wouldn't worry. I would NOT try to control her like this.

Have her binge watch Felicity.

I wouldn’t let the fact that she wants to transfer because of the boyfriend sway you as much as it seems to be. Instead, ask these (legitimate) questions:

1. How does the quality of the education offered compare to her current school?

2. Will her credits transfer?

3. Does the new school offer her major and is her chosen degree program as strong at the new school?

4. What are her anticipated living arrangements at the new school?

5. Will she promise to finish her degree if she transfers, even if they get married before graduation?

Other questions:

1. Do you like the boyfriend? Is he a decent guy?

2. If she has been sheltered, do you see a life skills benefit for her in being in an environment with more religious and cultural diversity?

3. What is the culture of the new school? Some religious schools are really just marriage selection grounds. This is a different concern than the quality of the education. Is the culture o the school one that teaches women to be submissive and frowns upon women working outside the home or in non-nurture professions?

Hi all -- OP here. Thanks for the useful input; you've given us some helpful food for thought.

To clarify one thing: we did not specifically suggest to her that she attend a small religious college. But we did know that she wouldn't love a super-liberal school, probably wouldn't love a giant state school, probably would be more likely to enjoy a smaller school where there was at least some presence of more conservative and/or more religious students. (We really hoped she might consider schools like Davidson, for instance, and we suggested several like that, but at the time she thought those were too far from home.)

She is really bright, a good student, and she's been underwhelmed with the academics where she is currently (we anticipated that might happen, too), so it's possible that this other school might actually be better -- yes, there is more data to gather. Again, we just learned about her desire to transfer last night so we haven't had a chance to research it, and she certainly hasn't (which, honestly, I think needs to be HER job first, not ours).

Anyway -- thanks again. Your perspectives and ideas are helpful as we plan for the next conversation. We want what's best for her and for her to be happy; hopefully the path she chooses will mean that those turn out to be one and the same.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the caliber of the small, very conservative religious college her boyfriend is at -- is it accredited? Does it have the major she wants? Would she have to switch to some BS secretarial program? I grew up around a lot of "small, very conservative religious colleges" and the degrees were both expensive and not worth the paper they were printed on.

If it's a good school and just happens to be where her boyfriend is, I would not stand in her way. Making relationship mistakes is a part of the growing up process during the college years.

I didn't know that religious colleges offered BS secretarial programs.

Yeah, they do. And they steer girlfriends brought along for the ride into them.

Which religious colleges offer a BS in -- well, I don't know in what. Secretarial studies?

Just google Liberty University degrees offered. I'm not here to debate with you that your crappy degree actually carries academic weight, I'm here to offer OP some advice about which factors are worth putting her foot down on this college switch and which are not.

I think the confusion is that BS can stand for Bachelor's of Science as well as bull sh!t. I think the original post on this meant the second term, not that there is actually a Bachelor's of Science degree in secretarial work.

Let's not get carried away about the "secretarial program" just yet. We don't know what her major is right now. It could easily be the difference between a rock and a hard place.

OP, I like the thought of talking about it as a one semester trial, sort of like a semester abroad. Don't stand in her way at all, right now, just have her take a semester leave of absence rather than completely leaving her current school. That would be my only requirement. The real decision would be made in November.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the caliber of the small, very conservative religious college her boyfriend is at -- is it accredited? Does it have the major she wants? Would she have to switch to some BS secretarial program? I grew up around a lot of "small, very conservative religious colleges" and the degrees were both expensive and not worth the paper they were printed on.

If it's a good school and just happens to be where her boyfriend is, I would not stand in her way. Making relationship mistakes is a part of the growing up process during the college years.

I didn't know that religious colleges offered BS secretarial programs.

Yeah, they do. And they steer girlfriends brought along for the ride into them.

Which religious colleges offer a BS in -- well, I don't know in what. Secretarial studies?

Just google Liberty University degrees offered. I'm not here to debate with you that your crappy degree actually carries academic weight, I'm here to offer OP some advice about which factors are worth putting her foot down on this college switch and which are not.

Anonymous wrote:OP again -- and our real concern is, despite the fact that she hasn't found her tribe at the current school, it is very transparent that she mainly wants to transfer to the new school because of her boyfriend. If he were at Big State U my guess is she would want to, and rationalize the need to, transfer there (her current college is a medium-sized private university).

I think you just have to let her make this mistake. So long as the new school is a good college, if she transfers and they break up, she'll either find new friends there or she'll learn that chasing a boy was a stupid thing to do. The issue is whether or not she'll be able to get a decent education while she's there. If it's a good college that happens to be religious, fine. If she won't be able to pursue her major or the school isn't actually that great and she won't get a decent education, that's different.

Why doesn't the boyfriend transfer?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the caliber of the small, very conservative religious college her boyfriend is at -- is it accredited? Does it have the major she wants? Would she have to switch to some BS secretarial program? I grew up around a lot of "small, very conservative religious colleges" and the degrees were both expensive and not worth the paper they were printed on.

If it's a good school and just happens to be where her boyfriend is, I would not stand in her way. Making relationship mistakes is a part of the growing up process during the college years.

I didn't know that religious colleges offered BS secretarial programs.

Yeah, they do. And they steer girlfriends brought along for the ride into them.

Which religious colleges offer a BS in -- well, I don't know in what. Secretarial studies?