Anonymous wrote:what type of conversations or topics does he kick off?

it would be terrible boring to live with someone who never responded nor had anything to say.

Op here: It's terribly boring and I'm only in my late 20s.

Want to swap husbands? He asked What should we do? about 50 times a week. Never proposes anything of course, just wants to check out and be told what to do, how, when. I don't so he paces around the house and spins his wheels. Doesn't know what to do ever! It's exhausting, and not sexually attractive at all.

Anonymous wrote:This would drive me crazy. I would try to have a conversation with him about what he means by it: I’m too busy to discuss it now? I don’t care? If you can get an answer, then tell him you will treat it as that in the future. So, if he means he’s too busy, schedule a time to talk. If he means he doesn’t care, make the decision yourself.

But it would still annoy the shit out of me. Would be better if he just didn’t respond at all, bc this kicks the ball back to you to ask him WTF he meant.

Op here: Exactly. I should probably just block him.

what type of conversations or topics does he kick off?

it would be terrible boring to live with someone who never responded nor had anything to say.

This would drive me crazy. I would try to have a conversation with him about what he means by it: I’m too busy to discuss it now? I don’t care? If you can get an answer, then tell him you will treat it as that in the future. So, if he means he’s too busy, schedule a time to talk. If he means he doesn’t care, make the decision yourself.

But it would still annoy the shit out of me. Would be better if he just didn’t respond at all, bc this kicks the ball back to you to ask him WTF he meant.

I feel your pain, plus some OP. My husband shrugs.

What time do we need to leave in the morning?
*shrug*

What do you think of these curtains?
*shrug*

I'm going to the store, do you need anything?
*shrug*

I hate the shrug. And yes, I've spoke to him about it. I've tried giving him the shrug treatment. I've responded with "use your WORDS" on many ocassions. Still, he shrugs.

OP ~ why do you need so much empathy? Most people, I don't think, need so much hand holding and reassurance. Your husband doesn't. And he's maxed-out for the kind of personality he is. If you do you need this, get it elsewhere. Cultivates other friends of similar temperament to yourself who have the patience for this.

I'm an American woman, married to a man (who is foreign, funnily enough), and I think I 'hmmm' or 'huh.' him a lot. He comes from a culture where everything is passionately debated, from big decisions on down to most mundane observations.

When I was younger, before our son was born, I could kind of roll with it, but as I've gotten older I find these kind of conversations draining, and I don't like to have what will inevitably become a heated discussion so much anymore, especially in front of my young son.

Try this:

DH: Honey, I feeling a little frisky. Can we have sex tonight?

You: hmmmmmm.

Afterwards:

DH: Wow, that was great. How was it for you?

You: hmmmmmmmmm

I am being funny...but talk to him about it first. If that does not work, flip the script.

ME: My dad may fly in next weekend to visit us
DH: Hmmm
ME: Will that work for your schedule? Or would you prefer we try to push his visit later, after your busy period at work?

ME: I sent you an email with a car I like. Do you like the car?
DH: Hmmm
ME: Here, let me show the details. I thought you might like that it has X and Y, but I'm concerned about Z. Do you think that's a deal killer?

ME: DD has diarrhoea
DH: Hmmm
ME: I know, gross. But it means that we need to keep her diet really bland. Rice, bananas and toast are good.

ME: Would you like to go to the farmers market or blah blah event Saturday?
DH: Hmmm
ME: I'd really like to plan something we'd all enjoy. What is your preference? Or would you rather have a quiet weekend at home?

My husband's vocabulary:

Gotcha
Haha
Yes ma'am

When we were dating I would play word games with him, gently tease him about his lack of ability to communicate beyond 1 word. Eventually he got better. But I used teasing and jokes instead of anger / tears.

Could be worse!

He just doesn't care about what you are saying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a little strange but I don’t see it as any different than an “ok” or “I don’t know.” He probably just doesn’t care all that much about whatever you’re texting him. Aside from the example “do you want to go to X Event” nothing you wrote really requires extensive input.

I didn't give good examples but sometimes he will say this when I am clearly upset about something. He could easily say sorry but instead chooses to hmmm me. Maybe I should start doing the something similar to him.

If he's not sorry then saying "sorry" would be inappropriate. He could say: "I have heard your statement. Nothing in that statement provokes a response in me that is worth the time and effort necessary to respond. I am indifferent to the choices you have offered. (Both or all) are equally good or bad." But that's a lot wordier than "hmmm."

Hmmm, that's almost more annoying than not getting a response to a text or a statement. Might actually be worse. Maybe say something everything he does it, like a dog with a bark collar, so that he'll start to unlearn the habit? Or just get him a bark collar and click the remote every time he says or texts it...