Why would they pay for their grandkids' college tuition? Isn't that your responsibility?

Cut off contact and get your DH into therapy. And don't get fooled by any promises of cash. These are the type of people who will enjoy stringing you along and then leave all their money to their cats.

I really do not understand why you and your husband continue to have a relationship with these God-awful people.

I'm sorry to be harsh, OP, but at some point, you and your husband are responsible for your own pain and hurt. If you can't handle the crazy, don't engage with the crazy. Cut them off.

Your DH needs therapy, but it might take some time for him to accept that. Therapy will help him see the situation more clearly. However, he may reject the idea of therapy in the beginning. In the meantime, you need to work with him as he processes this whole situation. Be gentle and calm. Don't bash his parents. You need to help him come to the realization that he needs help for this terrible thing. Therapy (and/or Al-Anon as suggested) will help him to realize that it's not him that is the problem, but them. That is the biggest goal he needs to achieve - his own self-worth. It will be a long road, but one that needs to be taken for the sake of your children and your family.

You also need to hold firm that they cannot come visit or have contact with the children. Ignore phone calls, emails and texts. Do not respond. If you respond you might get into an altercation and that will only make matters worse. Simply let them believe the messages are not getting through or that you're too busy to respond. If you do get caught having to have a conversation fake a commitment that won't allow you to talk long. Be non-committal about any plans. As for the relatives, your husband needs to know that if those relatives believe the parents over him then they are not relatives worth keeping in contact with.

Your children might miss their grandparents for a bit, but they will get over it. They don't have any cousins on that side of the family they are missing so they aren't missing much. They will also have their other grandparents and family members on your side. Foster those healthy relationships!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... I guess my DH thought that his parents would realize the importance of family once they met their grandkids. It just hit us yesterday that that is not happening. I think part of him was hoping there would be a change in his relationship with them, too. And the last part of the equation is that his parents are very wealthy and they have said they would like to provide for our kids college education (we are not wealthy). I think in the end his parents will give my DH and my kids nothing anyway, and this is all just some sick power struggle. I just don't understand how people can be this way... I could never treat my kids like that.

I asked my DH why he's afraid to cut his parents off and he said that in the past when he hasn't spoken to them they have relentlessly bad mouthed him to his relatives age that his relatives believed his parents. I guess that's just the price we'll have to pay.

I definitely would not depend on them paying for your kids college.

+1

OP if you are hoping for that monetary reward in the end, don't. It is absolutely not worth your pain. Stand up strong for yourselves.

Anonymous wrote:They are broken people, op. It's hard to comprehend when you come from an average family, but my dh also has broken people for parents and it's been incredibly eye-opening. My mil has done a similar "disappearing act", to the point my dh ended up calling the police to do a welfare check on her. I couldn't imagine letting a child of mine worry like that, but broken people don't see it that way.

Therapy for him, and maybe al-anon? It sounds like their behaviour when drinking is a significant part of the problem? I'm sorry he is dealing with this, and I hope that perhaps some therapy can help heal his wounds.

Yes, OP, your husband needs to work with a therapist who has experience with adult children of alcoholics and he might benefit from attending Al-Anon. His parents are full-blown alcoholics and this is a family disease. Even if your husband doesn't drink or drinks responsibly, the parent's alcoholism affects the children and it can lead to a toxic family dynamic. Furthermore, your children may have inherited a predisposition to addiction. Therefore it would be in your best interest to learn more about how alcoholism works in families and work assertively to set limits on your relationship with your in-laws as well as educating your kids. (For example, it does no good to try to figure them out and convince them to change. It's hopeless.) So very sorry you have been going through this. You don't deserve this.

Been there, and also know others from this kind of family. You grow up feeling like something must be terribly wrong with you, because the people who program you from birth treat you so badly.

He needs to start setting boundaries (I recommend the book Boundaries), and do work on understanding that he's okay, but they're not. They've been wrong all along. And they can't change, so it's up to him to remove himself from that dynamic and re-parent himself.

Everyone I know with this kind of family does extremely limited contact. Even when you've had years to build yourself up and deprogram and have come to accept how they are, it's still damaging to spend time with them.

I think you can support your DH and create a healthier immediate family environment by supporting your DH in cutting them off. That will show him that you "side" with him and he is NOT indeed wrong or flawed. You may also suggest he see a therapist who can help him see that he was damaged as a child and doesn't need to feel guilt as an adult.

Your kids will miss having an extra set of grandparents - sure. But it sounds as if it might be more detrimental to have them witness the grandparents in action...and witness the pain it causes your husband.

They sound mentally ill and/or like alcoholics. Your husband should feel GOOD about himself that he wound up normal and created a nice, normal family for himself. In his shoes I would seriously reduce contact with them. The benefits don't seem to outweigh the negatives (benefit = they like your kids; negatives = many). Your DH can maintain nice relationships with the other relatives and defend himself to the extent necessary. Make another financial plan for college for your kids, since as you suggest, they are likely to screw your kids over when the time comes. More importantly, the price is not worth the toll on you and especially your DH.

They sound awful. Your poor husband. I hope you cut off all contact with them and get into therapy. Best wishes.

OP - so sorry you and your family have to go through this. BREAK THE CYCLE. Cut off contact with these awful people - your children deserve better! Hope your DH gets the help that he needs to overcome his rotten upbringing. The good news is that you guys are your own family and can start fresh by loving your children, building their self-esteem and protecting them from @$$holes like your ILs. Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These people sound exactly like my FIL (my inlaws have been divorced 30+ years and my MIL is now deceased). I’ve known my DH and my FIL for over 20 years now. We too thought things would get better when we had kids. Our kids are FIL’s ONLY grandchildren. He doesn’t give a sh@t about them. He is still verbally abusive to my DH and me. He is completely indifferent to my children (doesn’t care about birthdays (he probably doesn’t even know when they are), holidays, milestones, their personalities, anything). He will give my DH the silent treatment for months over perceived slights. He scams money from us. He’s super racist. He’s super sexist. He’s called me a b@tch, a c@nt, told my DH to divorce me, called my 9 year old fat (she’s actually in the 35% for weight and 75 for height, so WTF) to her face, etc.

Abusive people like this will never, ever change. Don’t sell your soul. A promised paid for college education is not worth it, and IMO I bet they wouldn’t follow through anyway. They will screw you over in the end. Get your DH in therapy, don’t engage with the inlaws at all.

On a side note, you said your DH was the nonfavorite child, so I assume there is at least one sibling. How is DH’s relationship with that sibling and that sibling with the inlaws?

There is one sibling, a brother. My DH strongly dislikes him and hasn't spoken to him in 20 years (I don't know the full scope of things, but it seems like DH's sibling saw how DH was treated by his parents and then joined in). DH has no inclination to interact with him ever again and that is fine with me. The in-laws are constantly bringing up the golden child brother and guilting DH for not wanting to interact with him. Our kids are the in-laws' only grandchildren.

Interesting how DH is able to set boundaries with his brother but not parents. That's worth exploring.

I had a family much like this, OP. I can promise you that if they agree to pay for college education, it will either not be followed through on, or they will withhold it unexpectedly without warning and for arbitrary reasons. There will always be strings that you cannot unwind from.

Think about it -- has any interaction with them ever been healthy or smooth? Financial transactions NEVER will be, and the cost is too high.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am in the same exact position like you. My DH is also a non-favorite. I went through hell and back with in-laws.
My life's goal is to get away from them together with DH and cut all contact. He is on board.

+1

Also a bonus if they are "up in years" - the abuse is almost over for good. In fact, the abuse is almost dead and buried - six feet under! Maybe have a goodbye ceremony - goodbye to all the hurt and pain they caused your DH, then you. They are sick people. Release them, release the pain they tried to inflict on you. Good riddance.

The good news is that your DC have another set of perfectly good grandparents, OP.

Op, I am in the same exact position like you. My DH is also a non-favorite. I went through hell and back with in-laws.
My life's goal is to get away from them together with DH and cut all contact. He is on board.