I don't think you should make it a zero sum game - one or the other. I have seen 4 generations come and go starting with my grand parents, down to my son's children. As children, all of us needed and loved to visit our grandparents, and this has always been a tradition in our family, even when grand parents and parents have lived as much as 5 hours away. What you see in the persoanlities of your parents, your children may see quite differently. So, it's a smart thing not to hang your judgements on your children.

in order to live closer to family

stupid reason

^^^
Missed the substance abuse part. This would be a dealbreaker if the person is in the home or might transport your children.

I'd go for grandparent set no. 1. It sounds like they are CRAZY about your child and respect the important stuff (toys, as long as they aren't dangerous, aren't a big deal.) With five homeschooling grandkids and strong religious beliefs the No. 2 grandparents just aren't going to be all that.
Grandparents who love your child beyond all reason are a powerful factor in their lives and yours.

Anonymous wrote:lots of families have children with drug abuse or family members, I find that to be a good deterrent and a teacher of EMPATHY

While many families may have members with drug issues its best NOT to expose your kids to that. Don't normalize that behavior. Just lowers the barrier to entry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of these people or options are going to meet your expectations. All I see is constant clashes, conflicts, disagreements and hurts. You already have major issues with both sides of the family and that is while living far away from them. Living close will only magnify all of this.

I agree, and just to add, I would never make a huge life decision that was somewhat reliant on someone else. Even family. What if you make your choice and the family you purposely moved to be near decided to move to Florida or something? I get the sense that you would be resentful, because your post indicates that you overthink everything and need to control every aspect of life, including your children’s thoughts, feelings, world exposure, etc. Whatever decision you make, you need to be fine with it and know you will be fine with it even if it doesn’t go as planned.

+1. So many lucid and outstanding advice here today!

Anonymous wrote:Option 4: none of the above. You want a family network and still aren't ready to deal with the downsides. You still feel the need to control every aspect and want to call all the shots and are belittling of their experience and are looking for offense in their reactions. You want it to be you, you, you, so build your own lives.

+100000000

That’s really hard choice. Honestly none seem all that appealing so I’d go with other factors to decide between 2 and 3 because option 1 would be out for me because of the substance abuse. I’d factor in which area has the better school system. Great you move to a cheaper area only to realize the local schools are awful. I’d think about what would be better for my child. I would lean toward option 3. But then again option 4 moving to a less expensive area with great schools and build a friend group. I have no family near me but they are within driving distance 3.5 hours so we see them frequently but locally I met lots of friends through play groups and meet ups. Is this an option maybe move closer to family but no in the same town so you have your space when needed?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#2. But get over yourselves re the "compromise our values" because you don't like their homeschool and religious practices. Ugh. The word you are searching for is tolerance. You will need to learn tolerance, OP.

OP here. I actually really respect that they homeschool. And I have no issue with their religious beliefs. I was just not putting in what I thought might be extraneous details. That is, other side of the family is fully supportive and embracing of people of all religious belief sets. This side is not. We would have to compromise our values in that we would have to closeted about our beliefs and would have to attend their church in order to see them. SO fears disownment if we were to indicate that we do not believe the same. Personally, I believe that what any one person believes religiously is completely their own choice and they should be respected for it. Difference is beautiful. Forced compliance is not.

Holy crap. Do not move near these people

I think you are going to be unhappy with any of these situations if you are expecting regular, close involvement in your lives. I think the better option is to a choose a place you want to live, that is within a couple hours drive of one set of grandparents. Then it's easy to see them for holidays and, hopefully, they can get to you easily to help in a real emergency but there is no expectation of being into your business all the time.

Kids can feel close to family even when you don't live in the same town. My kids are closer to my parents on the other side of the country than they are to my ILs who live a couple hours away because we've always taken time to visit and they visit us. Sometimes when our kids were little I was a bit jealous of my sister who does live near my parents and gets a lot of babysitting help but I also love where we live and created my own community of friends. When DH had an emergency hospitalization, I had several people I could call in the middle of the night to come watch our preschoolers. It does take time and persistence to build that community for yourself and I think when people do have family in town they are less likely to put in the effort. Nearly all my friends do not have local family.

Anonymous wrote:None of these people or options are going to meet your expectations. All I see is constant clashes, conflicts, disagreements and hurts. You already have major issues with both sides of the family and that is while living far away from them. Living close will only magnify all of this.

I agree, and just to add, I would never make a huge life decision that was somewhat reliant on someone else. Even family. What if you make your choice and the family you purposely moved to be near decided to move to Florida or something? I get the sense that you would be resentful, because your post indicates that you overthink everything and need to control every aspect of life, including your children’s thoughts, feelings, world exposure, etc. Whatever decision you make, you need to be fine with it and know you will be fine with it even if it doesn’t go as planned.