Anonymous wrote:You need therapy for yourself OP. Your daughter is fine. Learn to accept her the way she is.

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a sophomore at a very good private (think Big 3 but we are in a different city). Her IQ is about 135 and she did well in public until high school. She switched to private and so far, every semester has gotten 2 Bs (always language and math) and he rest As. She wants to major in science and I'm concerned she is blowing her chances to get into a good school for science with the consistently middling math grades (she is taking advanced math but can't, for the life of her, get an A). She does well on homework, etc, but gets low grades on tests and the final.

I'm paying a small fortune for the school and I can't help but worry that it's a waste of money (we are in a great public district where no one send their kid to private). She's happy there, so I guess I should take solace in that. She's fine with her grades and thinks they are ok. She was depressed last year, so this year, she's decided she doesn't care (which is probably part of her therapy). Last year, she did virtually no ECs. This year she has a couple. Nothing super impressive, but one is a club that she started with a friend, so that's something.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice, maybe a reality check, and a way to not be angry with her for being ok with mediocrity. Before everyone piles on, which you undoubtedly will, I am super supportive of her. I don't say these things to her. I say them to myself and I'm actually trying to find a way to be ok with her being who she is. I just don't get how a kid that has the intelligence isn't rising to the top. I'd love to understand why she tests so poorly and what can be done to help. I'd also love ideas on how to motivate her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all of the support. I think I intuitively know it will be ok. I just want her to have choices. I already know top, super competitive college aren't her speed. She's not a competitive person and would be too stressed.

I also just wonder why some things are so hard for her. I had a 4.0 (no weighting) in HS so we are different people and I struggle to understand how she operates. I get it that she can't be perfect and that's ok. It just makes me sad to watch her struggle with it (she is a perfectionist and it kills her so her response is to not care-- very complicated).

OP, are you sure her depression is adequately addressed? There are many levels of feeling "better," including many that are not all that great. Sometimes it is difficult to determine whether something is personality or untreated or inadequately treated illness. Just a thought.

She is in therapy with a therapist she loves. She takes BC pills for PMDD, which has been helping. She and the therapist are talking about whether she needs anti-depressants (our pediatrician thinks she probably doesn't but is open to a psych referral if she wants them). She is soooooo much better than last year. I've seen huge improvements. You might be right, though, that she is still further away form where she needs to be than we realize. It's a good thing to think about. We talk a lot about how she is feeling and where she feels she is with the depression, so it's helpful that she is open and willing to discuss it. She is very self-reflective and self-aware.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a sophomore at a very good private (think Big 3 but we are in a different city). Her IQ is about 135 and she did well in public until high school. She switched to private and so far, every semester has gotten 2 Bs (always language and math) and he rest As. She wants to major in science and I'm concerned she is blowing her chances to get into a good school for science with the consistently middling math grades (she is taking advanced math but can't, for the life of her, get an A). She does well on homework, etc, but gets low grades on tests and the final.

I'm paying a small fortune for the school and I can't help but worry that it's a waste of money (we are in a great public district where no one send their kid to private). She's happy there, so I guess I should take solace in that. She's fine with her grades and thinks they are ok. She was depressed last year, so this year, she's decided she doesn't care (which is probably part of her therapy). Last year, she did virtually no ECs. This year she has a couple. Nothing super impressive, but one is a club that she started with a friend, so that's something.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice, maybe a reality check, and a way to not be angry with her for being ok with mediocrity. Before everyone piles on, which you undoubtedly will, I am super supportive of her. I don't say these things to her. I say them to myself and I'm actually trying to find a way to be ok with her being who she is. I just don't get how a kid that has the intelligence isn't rising to the top. I'd love to understand why she tests so poorly and what can be done to help. I'd also love ideas on how to motivate her.

NP. When I started reading your post and saw the IQ, I actually thought you were implying that 135 is low, or at least not that high. And then I figured out that you think 135 is super high. It's not. Mine is a lot higher than that, and yes, I easily got As, but I still didn't get full marks on everything. Honestly, some Bs and some As is exactly what I'd expect from someone with an IQ of 135 who attends a moderately competitive school

And to answer your question, she doesn't work harder because she doesn't have the hunger. Ironically, by being a helicopter mother and trying so hard to give her every little advantage, she's never developed a work ethic or the ambition to succeed in order to improve her situation. I'm not sure whether anything can be done about that, at this age. Or maybe it's the opposite situation, and you've pushed her so hard to be perfect that she's tried so hard but she knows she'll never be good enough for you and so she's just given up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worse, this will never end for her. You won’t think her choice of job or her partner’s job is good enough either, unless it sounds good when you say it to your friends. You won’t think she’s parenting well. She’ll probably learn to manage it and maintain a relationship with you. She’ll visit at Christmas, etc. And you’ll probably still believe she doesn’t know what you “only say to yourself.”

Project much? I guess your relationship with your mom is not so great?

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a sophomore at a very good private (think Big 3 but we are in a different city). Her IQ is about 135 and she did well in public until high school. She switched to private and so far, every semester has gotten 2 Bs (always language and math) and he rest As. She wants to major in science and I'm concerned she is blowing her chances to get into a good school for science with the consistently middling math grades (she is taking advanced math but can't, for the life of her, get an A). She does well on homework, etc, but gets low grades on tests and the final.

I'm paying a small fortune for the school and I can't help but worry that it's a waste of money (we are in a great public district where no one send their kid to private). She's happy there, so I guess I should take solace in that. She's fine with her grades and thinks they are ok. She was depressed last year, so this year, she's decided she doesn't care (which is probably part of her therapy). Last year, she did virtually no ECs. This year she has a couple. Nothing super impressive, but one is a club that she started with a friend, so that's something.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice, maybe a reality check, and a way to not be angry with her for being ok with mediocrity. Before everyone piles on, which you undoubtedly will, I am super supportive of her. I don't say these things to her. I say them to myself and I'm actually trying to find a way to be ok with her being who she is. I just don't get how a kid that has the intelligence isn't rising to the top. I'd love to understand why she tests so poorly and what can be done to help. I'd also love ideas on how to motivate her.

Anonymous wrote:Worse, this will never end for her. You won’t think her choice of job or her partner’s job is good enough either, unless it sounds good when you say it to your friends. You won’t think she’s parenting well. She’ll probably learn to manage it and maintain a relationship with you. She’ll visit at Christmas, etc. And you’ll probably still believe she doesn’t know what you “only say to yourself.”