That's rude as hell and honestly, I would tell that to their face.

A couple of my siblings don't really know my kids that well, we have always been closer with DH's family and there was a pretty big falling out after we adopted a Black kid that just made the strain worse. But they still wanted to give the kids gifts, so every Christmas they would send us $50/kid and tell me and DH to pick out a present the kids would enjoy (they also send each kid some clothes/trinkets as well).

I've been fine with that. While I don't get along with this sister and BIL, I can respect that they want to be a part of my kids (13M, 18F, and 23M) lives.

That's what I thought you were talking about. But to do so without checking with you, and then to come back and say it was because you are cheap is redicules.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the toothpaste PP. There are definitely situations where I could see myself doing something like this, but it would always be to save face for someone who couldn't affird to give a gift and wanted to, or to save a child hurt or insecure feelings. This situation - where your gift was something the child would be interested and age appropriate - is not one of those. It's rude.

This is so odd to me. My beloved grandmother never bought her grandchildren Christmas gifts because having 7 daughters, she had so many grandchildren and a very limited income and just couldn't afford it. Why would that have hurt my feelings? My own mother buys my kids a ton of stuff where my husband's mother doesn't. My kids understand that some people celebrate occasions with gifts and some don't, and some can't afford to buy gifts. It is a non-issue, and I would not dare to buy something in my husband's mother's name.

I'm the PP you're quoting. I was referring more to instances where there is favoritism between children and one child sees another recieved a lot more gifts. Happened in my extended family growing up and kids often internalize that. In the situations you describe, there are easy explanations to give a child that don't involve one being neglected over another.

My kids only get presents from us and from their grandparents. Aunts and uncles are not required to send gifts. We have a large family, and we would all be broke if we tried to include everyone. I told my sister and brother years ago not to buy my kids anything.

I feel sorry for your niece and/or nephew because they're being raised to think that they need a ton of presents and that the amount of presents someone buys them equates to how much they love them. Since you can't control anyone but yourself, I would continue to buy whatever you think is appropriate for your niece/nephew every year and just ignore what your sibling does. I think it's very rude to tell you that they're doing this - like trying to guilt you into spending more money? Ignore that urge, since no matter what you do will likely ever be good enough, and just do what you feel is right. I don't spend what my SIL spends on my children for hers. It doesn't matter if I spend more or less, the notion is the same - everyone should spend what they want to or can afford and leave it at that.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the toothpaste PP. There are definitely situations where I could see myself doing something like this, but it would always be to save face for someone who couldn't affird to give a gift and wanted to, or to save a child hurt or insecure feelings. This situation - where your gift was something the child would be interested and age appropriate - is not one of those. It's rude.

This is so odd to me. My beloved grandmother never bought her grandchildren Christmas gifts because having 7 daughters, she had so many grandchildren and a very limited income and just couldn't afford it. Why would that have hurt my feelings? My own mother buys my kids a ton of stuff where my husband's mother doesn't. My kids understand that some people celebrate occasions with gifts and some don't, and some can't afford to buy gifts. It is a non-issue, and I would not dare to buy something in my husband's mother's name.

Am I the only person whose child NEVER gets gifts from aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.??

Anonymous wrote:That’s weird. My MIL always tries to sign her packages from “Santa” despite multiple reminders that Santa doesn’t come to her house, only our house. Santa only brings one present for each kid at our house too. Adults get credit for the things they buy.

I had to laugh because my mom does this, but not from Santa. The Elf always brings extra presents. Santa presents always came wrapped in the same wrapping paper every year, but other presents were (and still are - she’s 70 now) from the kitchen elf, the toy elf, the gaming elf, you get the idea. My DS 13 now knows it’s all grandma, but back in the day, he had fun with it. Maybe you can get your mom to switch to the “elves” stopping by her house and leaving presents for the kids. ?

I'm with the toothpaste PP. There are definitely situations where I could see myself doing something like this, but it would always be to save face for someone who couldn't affird to give a gift and wanted to, or to save a child hurt or insecure feelings. This situation - where your gift was something the child would be interested and age appropriate - is not one of those. It's rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you buy, OP, and how old is the child? Just wondering if there is another side to the story...

The child is 10, and I got them an age-appropriate Star Wars item (they love Star Wars). To my knowledge, I have never purchased anything inappropriate. It's a matter of wanting to shower the child with abundant gifts, and my one is insufficient.

I'm the first poster. Sounds like you are spot on.

FWIW when I was a kid my mom's brother (so my uncle) frequently bought us gifts that, while well-intentioned, were not age-appropriate. Think expensive 200- or 300-page tomes on renaissance art with wildly beautiful illustrations for a 4 year-old. So my mom frequently would add in another gift or two and label it from her brother. She tried to coordinate it with his "real" gift so for example she would get some art paper and paints when he gave the books. She didn't mean it unkindly and he took it in good stead. Her intent was to give a 4-year-old a gift that s/he would love and associate happily with her brother because she didn't want us to think less of him...not because we would but because a 4 year old just doesn't have that wide of an empathy and tolerance spectrum.

Also, OP, thank you for responding with good grace to my question. You could have been affronted (and maybe you were) but you responded politely. Frankly, because we only "know" what we see posted, IMO that does a lot to buttress your position.

I don't know what to tell you about your sister other than to hope that her intent was kindly meant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my siblings said they're putting a couple presents under the tree "from me" (that they bought) so that their child feels valued, because my one $20 present isn't enough. What would you think of this? FYI this is in a pretty big family - lots of aunts/uncles, and lots of cousins.

Is the bolded what your sibling said, or is this how you interpreted it?

What would the explanation be, otherwise?

That your sibling bought too many presents and wants to make the other relatives look like rock stars to the kids.
That your sibling thinks money is tight for you and wants to look out for you.
Etc.

Too many presents? Then donate or return some.

Thinks money is tight? Don't overcompensate. Let them show love with their behavior, not "stuff." Especially without talking to them about it and asking if this is something they would be on board with.

It's incredibly rude and offensive, no matter how you spin it.

PP here. I never said the sibling was right, just that I wouldn't assume that the sibling's action were all about impugning OP's actual gift.

Anonymous wrote:What did you buy, OP, and how old is the child? Just wondering if there is another side to the story...

The child is 10, and I got them an age-appropriate Star Wars item (they love Star Wars). To my knowledge, I have never purchased anything inappropriate. It's a matter of wanting to shower the child with abundant gifts, and my one is insufficient.

What did you buy, OP, and how old is the child? Just wondering if there is another side to the story...