Get a paternity test

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

OP here. If she didn't have children I would have been unequivocal in trying to lock it down. I adore her, but we were at a sh** or get off the pot moment (how it felt) and I didn't want to string her along.

My apprehension in being a stepdad is that I experienced firsthand the challenges that come with blended families - both my my parents remarried (multiple times!) when I was a kid and it was destabilizing. That's due to other factors as well, but I hated being a "step" anything, which extends beyond the nuclear family, obviously.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

So then if it's your baby then use your experience to inform how to do a better job than your parents did.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

OP here. If she didn't have children I would have been unequivocal in trying to lock it down. I adore her, but we were at a sh** or get off the pot moment (how it felt) and I didn't want to string her along.

My apprehension in being a stepdad is that I experienced firsthand the challenges that come with blended families - both my my parents remarried (multiple times!) when I was a kid and it was destabilizing. That's due to other factors as well, but I hated being a "step" anything, which extends beyond the nuclear family, obviously.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

So then if it's your baby then use your experience to inform how to do a better job than your parents did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

OP here. If she didn't have children I would have been unequivocal in trying to lock it down. I adore her, but we were at a sh** or get off the pot moment (how it felt) and I didn't want to string her along.

My apprehension in being a stepdad is that I experienced firsthand the challenges that come with blended families - both my my parents remarried (multiple times!) when I was a kid and it was destabilizing. That's due to other factors as well, but I hated being a "step" anything, which extends beyond the nuclear family, obviously.

This thread has given me a lot to think about.

Anonymous wrote:Mid-thirties man here. Recently broke up with a similarly-aged single mom because I decided I couldn't have an insta-family. Otherwise we got along really well. Long story short, she just found out she's pregnant and says it's mine (I believe her - we were exclusive and only broke up not even two weeks ago).

I am totally freaking out. I do not know how to handle this.

Advice please.

It sounds like you really liked her and she likes you. You broke it off because you did not want an instant family. Assuming the baby is yours and she wants to keep it, what decision would you make if she did not already have children? Would you marry her? If not, what would you see as your responsibility?

There are no victims here both OP & his ex are grown and knew what they were doing when they agreed to have sex without protection.

So the relationship was good on all fronts but you didn't want to be dad.

But now you're going to be a dad anyway. Seems like the universe is trying to tell you something. You're mid 30s and with a loving, stable person that you get along with and you're now going to be parents together.

It would be wise to make this relationship work but only if you truly could love this person. It seems to me though that you are simply too scared to settle down. If that's the case, spare her your drama. She has enough on her plate.

Be there for her and the baby. Pay child support. If you can't be a good spouse, at least be a good father. And know that those other kids are your child's step-siblings.

Pp, forgot to add, please don’t date other people while you are figuring this out. Not to say you date the ex, but don’t slap up a new tinder profile either.

It sounds like she is planning on having the baby. At a minimum, you are going to be be a father and will need to parent regardless if you get back together or not with your ex and need her to allow you to co-parent not contingent on you being back together romantically. I would say not to rush into marriage. If I remember correctly from eralier post you hadn’t been dating that long, I thought less than a year. I almost wonder if you are thinking about getting back together if the equivalent of pre-marital counseling would help. You were worried about the instafamily but maybe more than it being the loss of this ideal of the never married, no children partner, you were worried about day to day expectations and communication. Now that you are tied to the ex-gf thru the new baby, you will have to navigate communication and expectations in some fashion so maybe a 3rd party can help see if you are on the same page with parenting and make sure you are communicating well with each other prior to the baby arriving. It will only get tougher after the baby is born.

Op, I wonder if you subconsciously wanted it to happen? I mean you were using pull out method, admit you really like her, but were fraked out. I think you wanted that to happen. It could be a blessing.

This might very much be the best thing that ever happened to you. Just keep your mind open that this may not be a disaster. Did your friends and family think the breakup was a good idea or a bad idea? That may give you a clue.

Anonymous wrote:I remember your other post OP.

I actually think you are incredibly lucky. I think this woman sounds like a great person who would be a wonderful life partner. I think your reasons for ending the relationship were somewhat misguided and immature....but if you were just not willing to take on those kids, fine.

Now, I predict, you will marry her and it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

You know, OP, you really should. I wouldn't say that normally, but if you two were really good together, there are so many positives to marriage. Remember, you have just created a kid. Don't you want to have decent input into how that child is loved, guided, and raised?

deep breath.

First, does she want another child? Is she definite on having the baby? Is it dependent on how you feel?

the way I see it, there are 3 ways this goes down.

1) you guys end up together, giving it a shot, and you have an Insta family plus 1, and it actually works
2) you don't stay together but you are bound to her and the child for the rest of your life. This will certainly complicate your meeting someone else (that person will now have to be okay with an Insta family on your part), and you will be raising a child in less than ideal circumstances, but if done well, it can be just fine. I think a harder adjustment may be on the step siblings--what will their lives be like with a new baby? and what is their relationship to their dad, etc?
3) she terminates the pregnancy, this has to be a mutual (or her) decision.

whichever one it ends up being, right now, be there with her and support her. Talk to each other, talk it all out. I hope that you two can come to a good place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your other post OP.

I actually think you are incredibly lucky. I think this woman sounds like a great person who would be a wonderful life partner. I think your reasons for ending the relationship were somewhat misguided and immature....but if you were just not willing to take on those kids, fine.

Now, I predict, you will marry her and it will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

What was the other post

+1
we need to tie this all together

Link please

OP, you are in mid-thirties. it's time to become a parent. this is your opportunity and with a woman you like. get over it.