Anonymous wrote:As someone who has a younger, more "successful" sister (she makes more money than I do, has what I always thought was the "perfect" family, is very extroverted and has a ton of friends/contacts while I tend towards introversion) I understand where the OP is coming from. My parents set us up to compete with each other early on plus we were assigned family roles (she was the good kid while I was the scapegoat). I would have hateful thoughts and then would really guilty for having them which just made things worse. You're human and it's human to feel envy-particularly when it's a same sex sibling. Don't let the other PP's make you feel like a monster because you aren't.

As we've gotten older, I realize that things haven't always been as perfect and easy for my sister as I thought. While her son and daughter are very bright and attractive kids they can be difficult plus she and her husband have had some issues. Of course, based on her social media you would think everything is perfect. For years I only saw the curated, social media version of her rather than the real person. Projecting perfection was her defense mechanism.

I'm sure your sister isn't perfect even though that's what she may be trying to project (or when you look at her that's what you project based on your own feelings). Try to remind yourself that she has flaws, too (even if you don't see them). I am going to echo the other PP's who said to focus on making changes in your own life. You can't control her or even your feelings towards her but you can work on yourself. Get some counseling and limit contact for a bit if necessary. Also, try very hard not to take you negative feelings out on her.

I'm not going to lie and say that I still don't have feelings of envy towards my sister at times (particularly when my parents make comments). It's an ongoing struggle and I think to some degree it always will be, however, working on myself (including getting some counseling), focusing on the things in my life I am thankful for and seeing my sister as real person with strengths and weakness versus being the "perfect one" has helped.

I wish you the best OP and I understand where you are coming from.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

+1 I think your family is more dysfunctional then you admit. When my sister was an infant I colored her face with magic marker. When my parents recount this story it's in an amusing manner like, kids be crazy sometimes- you painted your sister's face, ha ha ha. Maybe I was jealous, but my mother's explanation is that I was bored and my sister's face was a fun canvas.

OP here. I agree. I think back to our childhood and I was a normal, although jealous, older sister. My family blew it out of proportion and acted like I was some sort of evil torturer. Of course she internalized this narrative.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend good fiction movies or books for teens in the midst of this dynamic? See it in my kids and want to help them recognize break the pattern

Get family therapy. Hoping the kids will figure this out themselves from books and movies seems overly optimistic. You should have been setting limits on their unkind behavior and as well as creating opportunities to foster their relationship all along. Depending on their ages, it may not be too late for you to step up and start now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

+1 I think your family is more dysfunctional then you admit. When my sister was an infant I colored her face with magic marker. When my parents recount this story it's in an amusing manner like, kids be crazy sometimes- you painted your sister's face, ha ha ha. Maybe I was jealous, but my mother's explanation is that I was bored and my sister's face was a fun canvas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

To put it kindly, your upbringing was dysfunctional because your parents failed to handle this situation between you and your sister appropriately, and from what you say, continue to do so. You need therapy to work through the issues now.

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone recommend good fiction movies or books for teens in the midst of this dynamic? See it in my kids and want to help them recognize break the pattern

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?

OP here. Both my parents like to sometimes narrate stories of myself when I was a child. They mock me for being so mean to my little sister when I was like, 5. They did that when I was little too. In front of my sister. So she has always grown up thinking I am evil and mean.

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and the fact that your mother tells the story of you being jealous of your sister since she was born is a red flag. That's not a story she should be telling, it's something she should have addressed the moment she saw it. I wonder what she got out of that narrative?