But you're not to exhausted, depressed or anxious to get to all the commitments with your inlaws and work parties? Be sure to tell him that part. It would be good for him to know where he falls on your list of priorities.

No sympathy OP

Get a good book or some great music, stop at Starbucks, have lunch on the way. Enjoy the drive. Your "martyr" attitude is at least half the problem.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I posted a couple updates already. We are going to visit him the weekend of the 15th.

It’s kind of a moot point now, but just to clarify, my dad is only 54. He’s in good health. The surgery is knee surgery because he was a college athlete. Still, I do want to see him I just find the travel very overwhelming.

I shouldn’t have mentioned my in laws in my original post. I was trying to highlight that this is a time of year that involves a lot of obligations. My in laws are one bullet point on that very long list. The bigger stressors for me are my job, my 17 month old, my DH who is always working, and overall carrying the mental load which I find difficult anyway but more so this time of year.

Regardless, we’ve made the arrangements and are going to see him on the 14th and I am glad I came to this decision with the help of many pps, so thank you.

NP. If you find yourself dreading the journey or thinking you might not be able to make it after all, I think it's totally reasonable given the circumstances to ask him to meet you part-way for lunch.

You need to go. Find someone to watch your kid if you don’t want to bring him.

Op here. I posted a couple updates already. We are going to visit him the weekend of the 15th.

It’s kind of a moot point now, but just to clarify, my dad is only 54. He’s in good health. The surgery is knee surgery because he was a college athlete. Still, I do want to see him I just find the travel very overwhelming.

I shouldn’t have mentioned my in laws in my original post. I was trying to highlight that this is a time of year that involves a lot of obligations. My in laws are one bullet point on that very long list. The bigger stressors for me are my job, my 17 month old, my DH who is always working, and overall carrying the mental load which I find difficult anyway but more so this time of year.

Regardless, we’ve made the arrangements and are going to see him on the 14th and I am glad I came to this decision with the help of many pps, so thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. You already said you'd do it; he hasn't done anything wrong; plus, the upcoming surgery. You shouldn't prioritize everything else over him. I think you should go.

This. Plus, "we're so busy, what with the inlaws" will really sting.

OP has said she will visit, so I don't want to pile on, but this right here. He hasn't done anything to deserve being cut off, other than being from a boring place and living kind of far away.

Look, I'm going to be real here. It might be boring. You might be sorry you went during the moment. But you will NOT regret it when he's gone. You are making the right choice, and saving yourself some regrets down the line.

Could you go on your own and leave the baby and your husband at home? And fly to the nearest airport and rent a car?

My dad lives in a similar type of place (rural with little to do) and I always just waited for him to come up here and visit us, which was maybe a couple of times per year. We did a family vacation for a week in July and I had no further plans to visit for a while. My stepmother called that he wasn't "doing well" and was in the hospital and I decided to go visit this coming weekend. I got another call the day after Thanksgiving that he was being discharged on "hospice and palliative care" and there was nothing else to do for him. Needless to say I was in shock. I dropped everything, loaded up my kids and flew down there. We spent Friday-Monday with him and he passed away two days later It's been just over a week since he died and I still cannot believe he is gone. I have to say, the ONLY thing that has kept me from completely going off the deep end is that I flew down there and had four days with him to say goodbye. I keep thinking if I had not changed my flight, this weekend would have been too late and I would have never been able to get past the guilt.

I too suffer from anxiety and depression and feel overwhelmed at the thought of being out of my routine, travel, I HATE flying- like I literally spend the entire flight thinking we are about to crash and it is awful. But I am so glad that I somehow was able to put it all aside and just go down there. If you can make it happen, make it happen. Don't put it off and don't wait.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. You already said you'd do it; he hasn't done anything wrong; plus, the upcoming surgery. You shouldn't prioritize everything else over him. I think you should go.

This. Plus, "we're so busy, what with the inlaws" will really sting.

I think it’s fine to talk to him about visiting at an alternate date. That being said he’s older and about to have surgery, if it were me I would visit and blow off some of the other holiday obligations.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. You already said you'd do it; he hasn't done anything wrong; plus, the upcoming surgery. You shouldn't prioritize everything else over him. I think you should go.

Agree. And I came in here assuming I would insist you didn't go!

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks everyone. We will go visit my dad. I just texted him to try and figure out plans.

And you need a full check-up and blood work done, my dear. This could be a hypo-active thyroid, or an iron deficiency, or something else. It could be depression. It could be a seasonal disorder. Whatever it is, you can't go on like this and need to focus on your health and your close family, not jaunt off to socialize everywhere.

He's ill and undergoing surgery and you said you would come.

He gets priority.

You must find a way of cancelling work parties and IL visits or whatever else is cluttering your schedule.

Sorry OP, if you have time for your in-laws, you have time for your own father. You should get it as a parent. Make time now. And he's having surgery too?! Gosh, that's like please visit me in case something goes wrong during surgery. If you don't visit by xmas, you need to squeeze it in for the first two weeks in January. But, i guaranteed you by then, you will have other stuff going around you.....office new year parties, neighborhood parties, friends, in-laws....and when you go, you take your child to see grandpa.

i know you don't like the wife, but get over it. Focus on your dad.

Can you stay at a hotel? Even if it’s a bit of a drive to and from your Dad’s, you’ll only have to spend a few hours at his house and not the entire weekend.

Sometimes the dread of the trip is worse than the trip turns out to be. Plan something nice for yourselves at least on the way back so it feels more like a treat for you. Stop for hot chocolate, look at holiday lights along the way.

Can you visit your dad without your stepmom present? Or at least carve out some alone time with him? Does he literally have medical appointments daily and can't come visit for even a day trip?