OP, I hear you--my DH is like this sometimes, too. Picky eater, tuned out, leaving lots of things undone, then saying he was going to do it later. And we love each other very much! Things that help are definitely communicating about how you feel in situations like this and recognizing that people genuinely have different energy levels at different times of day (or when getting back from a trip). And most importantly, learning how to argue productively.

You may laugh, but one of the most helpful things we do when we disagree is switch to animal noises (like cats, dogs, bears, lions, etc.). You can express a lot without getting super angry when you are being a little silly.

Also, since having a baby (yes, we did!), it's actually been a little easier in some ways. I just say "no" more than I did because I absolutely have to. And we have a housecleaner twice a month. And he realized he genuinely had to help more--he cooks dinner every night now and washes up and helps with baby bath, diaper changes, laundry folding, etc. He's still bad at understanding that some baby tasks are time-critical, but we're working on it.

But to get there, we talked before and during pregnancy about how much sharing of chores we'd have to do after baby--I instigated that conversation by sending him some helpful articles about marital stressors after kids arrive. Talking about things outside the heat of the moment and while the issue is still hypothetical is the best way to go. And cutting each other some slack. Sometimes when he wants to help, I tell him to just keep enjoying the internet or whatever hobby-esque thing he is doing. It builds trust and good-feeling.

Anonymous wrote:When I have the flu or another illness, I get in bed and stay there. Stop indulging your man child. And definitely don't have kids with him unless you are prepared and willing to do every little thing.

This. If you are doing things (that yes must be done) you are signaling you are not that sick. My dh is awesome but i learned that the hard way that if there is an expectation that you’ll do it anyway he won’t bother.

Anonymous wrote:If you have actual Influenza then you are so weak and shivering so hard that you cannot go to the grocery store.

This.

You didn’t have the flu yesterday afternoon. You had a cold. Your husband is probably sick of your drama.

You really sound like a total martyr.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly.

I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way.

I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

This is true, it has taken me a while to settle in to the idea that my husband is not putting the new toilet paper on the tank instead of the holder to torture me, he's doing it because that's what he would do if he were alone. Ditto scrubbing the bathtub.

One the one hand this is frustrating but on the other hand I am also a household sinner and I never catch grief about it, and he never asks me to do any chores.

So, I don't know.

I can't imagine grocery shopping together though. Unless like we were already on the way somewhere or something. Why would you both leave the house for a one person job?

Because how else could OP make sure sure he was doing the grocery shopping the "right" way??

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman, but I have to say, a lot of this is just a matter of male vs. female priorities.

You felt compelled to have all of the regular chores done despite your illness. If he were sick, he would just let the laundry pile up and the probably even the cat litter, frankly.

I completely understand why you want him to pick up the slack on things that matter to you while you are sick, but being incredulous about his not automatically doing so is going to make your situation worse not better.

Go park yourself in bed and ask him to do x, y, and z. Keep it short and sweet and don't be angry about having to ask. Let him do it his way.

I have been through all of what you are describing with my own husband and things have gotten A LOT better, so there is hope. Start with ditching the outrage.

This is true, it has taken me a while to settle in to the idea that my husband is not putting the new toilet paper on the tank instead of the holder to torture me, he's doing it because that's what he would do if he were alone. Ditto scrubbing the bathtub.

One the one hand this is frustrating but on the other hand I am also a household sinner and I never catch grief about it, and he never asks me to do any chores.

So, I don't know.

I can't imagine grocery shopping together though. Unless like we were already on the way somewhere or something. Why would you both leave the house for a one person job?

you DH sounds a little lazy but you sound very anal.

it also doesn't sound like you have a flu. cold, maybe. but only an insane person would do laundry, go shopping, cook two differenr kinds of soups etc etc while having a flu. it wouldn't even really be possible.

and since your DH saw you firing on 8 cylinders no wonder he didn't take your illness too seriously.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there are two issues here. DH sounds like a bit of a man baby in some regards (needs help packing his lunch? boy, bye) but OP also sounds like a control freak/martyr type.

This. Would it have been great if he jumped right to grocery shopping, unpacking, laundry, and cleaning the kitty litter while OP was sick ...yes. But if he were on his own would he have done any of it right away - likely not. He isn’t going to change in general much less have a freaky Friday experience and become the OP because she is sick.

That said, I would not expect OP to make his lunch, do IT support for him and get a separate dinner for him while she is sick and a calm “you are on your own, I’m not feeling well”, rinse, lather and repeat if needed. Add in, “I trust you can come up with something ...” and then let it go. There are strategies to be helpful in not enabling someone to be helpless.

Anonymous wrote:If you have actual Influenza then you are so weak and shivering so hard that you cannot go to the grocery store.

Communicate like an adult by stating your needs and don't expect anyone to "be perceptive" rhat you are sick despite the fact you are schlepping around the grocery store.

Next time clean the cat box, order Pho in and go to bed. Everything else can wait.

Stop making sense this instant.

Yeah... OP, he sounds like a manchild and you sound like a control freak. Yeah, he should've stepped up and it's annoying that he needs help with so many basic things. But unpacking could've waited. The laundry could've waited. Even groceries could've waited until you felt better.

If you have actual Influenza then you are so weak and shivering so hard that you cannot go to the grocery store.

Communicate like an adult by stating your needs and don't expect anyone to "be perceptive" rhat you are sick despite the fact you are schlepping around the grocery store.

Next time clean the cat box, order Pho in and go to bed. Everything else can wait.

Anonymous wrote:It would help if OP stopped acting like a mother. Why go to the grocery store with DH? That makes no sense. Why clean out the litter box? Why make dinner at all, much less agree to make a separate one? If you are sick, you go to bed and you let.some.of.the.control go.

If you keep mothering/babying him, he's going to keep living up to your expectations.

FWIW, if you are the "tattoo regret DH" then I change my answer and you should divorce him now.

NP. Could someone please link to that thread? I searched and couldn't find it. TIA!

If you wanted him to do everything, why did you do it? You obviously weren’t that sick, if you were out grocery shopping (and exposing others to your illness needlessly) and cooking multiple meals. If you were really sick and needed rest, you would’ve been in bed.

When we get home from a trip, we’re spent. No one wants to jump right into chores. The last thing I want to do when I’m well is start looking for work to do right after I get home from traveling. The second to last thing I want to do is nag DH or make him feel guilty for not jumping right in either. If I’m sick with the actual flu, you can bet I’m going straight to bed, because everyone knows you need rest more than you need to unpack and do laundry. If you have the flu, you’re probably not going to work tomorrow anyway, unless you’re a sadist who likes to take down the entire office, so laundry isn’t necessary anyway. I’m also assuming you have more than 4 outfits.

Anonymous wrote:Do you also lightly fry tuna before work for him?

Do you also lightly fry tuna before work for him?