Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short version: he does not want to make any cosmetic improvements to our house, ever. Maintenance only.

I just want to make a list, make a general timeline (over many years, totally reasonable IMO) and start earmarking a set amount per year towards this plan. We have the money, in cash, today to pay for everything I want without touching very generous college, retirement, or emergency funds. No debt other than our 15 year mortgage below 3%.

But none of that matters. I just need to somehow move through all of the stages of grief and get to acceptance.

Hopefully, this is just hyperbole. lol. If he was the sole breading winner of the house, it's understandable (not necessarily reasonable) to understand his perspective. But if it's a dual income household, you need to make your stand firmer and not give in as much to the extent where you need to "accept". Perhaps you can compromise with him about certain cosmetic improvements that can actually appreciate the value of the house.

I’ve tried. I wanted to move our laundry up to the bedroom level. Gave up on that and have just been trying for new machines. Wanted to redo the kitchen to change the layout, gave up on that and just tried for new counters/backsplash. Gave up on refinishing the hardwoods. We have 26 year old bathrooms,etc. I’m not asking to do all or even most just feel like we should start somewhere. But it’s truly a non-starter with him. Or he’ll just yell in anger “fine, do whatever you want!” but really who is going to move forward with that kind of endorsement?

YOU need to move forward with that kind of endorsement. He’s not going to agree happily but if he agrees grudgingly, do what you’re want to do.

If you are going to stay married you do need to accept him as he is BUT that doesn’t mean accepting his veto over all expenditures. You are equal partners. You should be able to renovate your house if you can afford it which it sounds like you definitely can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

These things aren't about the value of her home, but the quality of her homelife.

OP have you and DH talked to or met with a financial planner? Sometimes hearing from a third party that you can (or can't) afford something might get through to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he planning on retiring early? Starting a business? Perhaps thinking ahead for the next layoff?

Agree these are valid points to consider. I also wouldn't underestimate the effect that the layoff he experienced had on him. He may be doubtful (and perhaps with good reason) that his current career trajectory is unsustainable and that he will be forced out in his 50s.

Don't underestimate this, OP. Happened to my husband and I am now incredibly grateful for how frugal he was before this happened. Slept on a futon for the first 7 years of our marriage and didn't have a couch for the first 5. But, thank god, we saved the max in our 401ks and saved for college for our 4 kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

It doesn't matter how the rest of us value these projects-- the issue is that OP and her DH need to find a way for them to find compromise on issues relating to money.

They have compromised. OPs husband doesn’t want to tackle purely cosmetic updates, which is quite reasonable. OP wants not just a complete remodel, but reconfiguration of plumbing and new layout of at least some portions of the house.

They made some minor updates. This is frugal but certainly not extremely frugal.

OP here. We haven't made any updates. I was explaining what I'd really like (ie: new kitchen) and what I'd compromise with (ie: new counters.) We have not done any of these things.

I obviously understand I can go to the granite store and have them measure and install new counters. I think doing that against his wishes would ultimately just cause him to dig his heels in further. I agree this is much more of an emotional/relationship issue than a money issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

It doesn't matter how the rest of us value these projects-- the issue is that OP and her DH need to find a way for them to find compromise on issues relating to money.

They have compromised. OPs husband doesn’t want to tackle purely cosmetic updates, which is quite reasonable. OP wants not just a complete remodel, but reconfiguration of plumbing and new layout of at least some portions of the house.

They made some minor updates. This is frugal but certainly not extremely frugal.

Yup, that's what I was getting at. These aren't minor upgrades OP is talking about. Which is fine, but that doesn't mean DH is extremely frugal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

It doesn't matter how the rest of us value these projects-- the issue is that OP and her DH need to find a way for them to find compromise on issues relating to money.

They have compromised. OPs husband doesn’t want to tackle purely cosmetic updates, which is quite reasonable. OP wants not just a complete remodel, but reconfiguration of plumbing and new layout of at least some portions of the house.

They made some minor updates. This is frugal but certainly not extremely frugal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

It doesn't matter how the rest of us value these projects-- the issue is that OP and her DH need to find a way for them to find compromise on issues relating to money.

Anonymous wrote:I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Same. That's why I asked what OP's budget is for these things. FWIW, I don't think $1M for retirement/college/emergency means you can spend willy nilly on home improvements. Also agree with PP that pointed out that these cosmetic improvements aren't going to make huge improvements in the value of your home.

There has to be more balance in your relationship. Him saying no improvements ever is WAY too controlling.

Refinishing cabinets is not that expensive, we re-did our kitchen a couple of years ago and since we didn't redesign anything and just updated the cosmetic aspect it wasn't very expensive. He needs to unclench a little bit

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not be afraid to insist that you have a voice in your marriage. His anxiety doesn't get to control your entire life. That is a recipe for depression and possibly divorce in the future, which will SURELY shake his financial world. Don't give up OP DEMAND to be heard.

I have tried and tried and tried and tried. That is the point of my OP. I can "insist" until I'm blue in the face. Its futile.

What's futile about selecting the items, hiring a contractor, taking off work to supervise and paying for it *out of the joint account*?
And don't tell me you're one of those silly women who are afraid to be alone with contractors.
You want it, you make the effort.

He would be apoplectically (is that a word?) pissed.

And are you afraid of that?

You have to be brutally honest with yourself here. Are your spending wishes really commensurate with your finances? Take a good look, perhaps with your husband.
If you are absolutely sure that they are, then consider what would make you happier: fighting with your husband but getting what you want, or prioritizing marital peace? Note that you could have one huge fight the first time you spend without his agreement, but that this could wake him up to the fact that you deserve to spend a little more for your own happiness. Or he'll keep fighting every time.

My point is that there is no right or wrong answer. You just need to be aware of all the ramifications, make a decision, and take the consequences. You can't keep wringing your hands and whining about the dream life that is being denied to you. This is real life, OP.

I am kind of team husband on a lot of these issues. I can't imagine replacing a washing machine unless the other one was broken....and a moving them upstairs or a kitchen remodel are VERY expensive projects! Even a small kitchen remodel is likely to run you $30k.

As for refinishing the cabinets, you could meet him in the middle by DIYing it. It actually isn't hard at all, just takes time and would be a lot cheaper than paying someone else to do it.

But really, what I would probably do is ask for a new washer/dryer or whatever for Christmas. It would bring you joy and isn't strictly necessary so for me that would be a legit present. Then maybe he would feel it was OK to splurge a bit since it benefits the family as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to not be afraid to insist that you have a voice in your marriage. His anxiety doesn't get to control your entire life. That is a recipe for depression and possibly divorce in the future, which will SURELY shake his financial world. Don't give up OP DEMAND to be heard.

I have tried and tried and tried and tried. That is the point of my OP. I can "insist" until I'm blue in the face. Its futile.

What's futile about selecting the items, hiring a contractor, taking off work to supervise and paying for it *out of the joint account*?
And don't tell me you're one of those silly women who are afraid to be alone with contractors.
You want it, you make the effort.

He would be apoplectically (is that a word?) pissed.

Anonymous wrote:There is insisting and then there is action. Take action. Get estimates to move the washer dryer. Tell him what it is going to cost and when the work will be done. I don’t think this is really what you are after. It’s more a symptom of the real question. What you really want from him is to share your dreams of a home life together. If that is what you want you need say it explicitly. Say that you used to have a shared vision of the future and now you don’t know what his vision looks like. Ask him what he sees as an ideal image of your life together and then listen. Reach out to any areas that share common ground. Point out that life is a balance, then find that balance together. But, at some point the balance has to include what you want, not all of what you want.

this is 100% correct- OP, read it and really think. It may help you adjust your goals.

Anonymous wrote:There is insisting and then there is action. Take action. Get estimates to move the washer dryer. Tell him what it is going to cost and when the work will be done. I don’t think this is really what you are after. It’s more a symptom of the real question. What you really want from him is to share your dreams of a home life together. If that is what you want you need say it explicitly. Say that you used to have a shared vision of the future and now you don’t know what his vision looks like. Ask him what he sees as an ideal image of your life together and then listen. Reach out to any areas that share common ground. Point out that life is a balance, then find that balance together. But, at some point the balance has to include what you want, not all of what you want.

You would make a good shrink. I want him to want it. Or at least care that I want it. I want him to feel like "We work hard and my wife is a good wife and mother and we can easily afford this and I want her to have it." I know that is not realistic. And that is what I need to let go of.