Anonymous
Post 11/29/2017 05:28     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
My parents had a kid when i was already a teen. And Inwas expected to help with everything except getting up in the night. And later when I was in my 20s and working i was expected to move back with them when my mom was sick, take my sister to and from school, go to my job AND do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry and look after my sick mom. It was far from “fun” but I did it.
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2017 00:13     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP your 17 year old did not choose to have kids - you did. It's your job, not hers.

Also, this article has been making some rounds. You might find reading it helpful.

https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/10/when-kids-have-to-parent-their-siblings-it-affects-them-for-life/543975


Oh boo hiss. The mom isn't asking her to breastfeed.

Chores are chores and part of being a family.


Absolutely. Contribute to the household is one thing, but being a caretaker for others is something else - she didn't choose to have kids and should not be required to pick up after others. Pick up after herself? Absolutely. If you want her to take care of your kids, maybe you should pay her?


Do your kids only wash their own dinner plate after dinner?



How is this similar? I'm thinking something like - if someone cook/prep, the others clean. It's a tradeoff.

Are the younger siblings doing something that really helps the older sister, where there's a sort of even exchange of duties? If so, what? But being the oldest does not mean you have to provide free childcare. If you want her to take care of others, pay her - but she's not a free babysitter.

And I say that as the youngest child in a large family.



I am a middle child of five wo I do not have a beef with this.

BUT...

The younger kids were drug and carted all over God's green earth growing up to the older siblings' activities, plays, recitals, practices, games, etc etc. The older kids rarely if ever attend the younger siblings events or activities, if ever. If they are theboldest especially, they give the youngest siblings a fraction of the support that the younger siblings get back over the years growing up, even more so if there is more than a 2-4 year age difference.

This seems to hold true with every family I know that has more than two kids (like OPs family).

So the younger kids have given older sibling so much more than the older sibling gives to the younger ones. The teen years (helping to sit or drive, helping with homework, etc.) is a tiny way that teenage older siblings can give back to their younger siblings.


Amen to this. There are usually a lot of advantages to being the oldest, including little things like you generally get new clothes and not hand-me-downs, your toys have all the pieces, etc. The little ones often get the dregs in a lot of ways. When my oldest complains about something she has to do that the younger ones don't have to do, I point out all the advantages of being the oldest and all the things she's allowed to do that they aren't. I think a lot of oldest kids never really get over the fact that they aren't the "only child" anymore and fall into a pattern of expecting things to revolve around their schedule. It sometimes helps to refocus them on all the ways that the family is currently accommodating their wants, desire, etc. Of course, there are also families that just treat the oldest girl as the live-in help -- that's not generally right in this day and age (although it was pretty common 100 years ago).
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 23:20     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:Asking the 17 year old to drop off her younger siblings if it's on her way and does not interfere with getting to school on time is reasonable. I would consider this to be an age appropriate contribution to the household.

Asking the 17 year old to provide daily after school care is unreasonable. Once or twice a week is okay but not everyday. Doesn't she have after school activities/job/sports? Besides, you chose to have more children, she didn't. Older kids are not free built in baby sitters.

If OP has sons, hopefully she expects the same of them.[/quote]

Probably not. But I'm sure she whines about about carrying the emotional load and majority of the housework while contributing to the "why do woman have to do everything!" mantra.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 23:19     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:How is she supposed to get herself to school on time and take her little sisters to school?


Leave earlier than you normally would.

I hope the older sis asks the younger sisters for a favor in the future and they tell her to pound sand.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 22:46     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote: In the morning I have to go to work and she refuses to take her own sisters to school. Then after school she refuses to babysit them. I am appalled by this.




You are appalled by this? clap clap clap! Way to go mom. You have to be the most spineless parent ever to post on this board. First to be taken away is the car keys except when she HAS to take her sisters to school. Second is her freedom except to go to school. Third is electronics especially the phone.


Stand up and be a parent and quit being appalled.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 22:09     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Asking the 17 year old to drop off her younger siblings if it's on her way and does not interfere with getting to school on time is reasonable. I would consider this to be an age appropriate contribution to the household.

Asking the 17 year old to provide daily after school care is unreasonable. Once or twice a week is okay but not everyday. Doesn't she have after school activities/job/sports? Besides, you chose to have more children, she didn't. Older kids are not free built in baby sitters.

If OP has sons, hopefully she expects the same of them.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 22:01     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are ridiculous. No wonder you are raising such despicable, selfish, entitled teens. Part of being in a family is contributing. Asking a teen to drive a sibling to school in the morning is perfectly reasonable. Especially if you are paying for the car, gas, and insurance. The afternoons might not work some days because of after school activities. But there is no reason a teen should not be responsible for babysitting. I drove my sisters all over everywhere. Just part of living in a family. We are very, very close. I have five children and the older ones help out when needed. Families work together.


100% agree. My brother had to drive me to school and he hated it, but it was just a chore assigned to him like any other.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:56     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
There are not enough details about school start times, ages of the sisters, activities of the older girl to know if school drop offs are reasonable enough.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:55     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:Asking her to drive them to school, if it's close or on the way and you're paying for her car / gas, is fair. Expecting her to be your after school care provider is NOT. Absolutely not.


+1

Once my older sister started driving, my mom went back to work and use of the car came with responsibilities to help with giving rides to us younger kids. When I started driving a year later I also chipped in with driving my brother places (although he took a bus to/from school).

Every day babysitting is an unreasonable expectation. The 17 yr old should be able to be involved in other activities, get a paying job, etc.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:48     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:Some of you people are ridiculous. No wonder you are raising such despicable, selfish, entitled teens. Part of being in a family is contributing. Asking a teen to drive a sibling to school in the morning is perfectly reasonable. Especially if you are paying for the car, gas, and insurance. The afternoons might not work some days because of after school activities. But there is no reason a teen should not be responsible for babysitting. I drove my sisters all over everywhere. Just part of living in a family. We are very, very close. I have five children and the older ones help out when needed. Families work together.


That's the rub. When needed. But OP is saying her daughter (would she demand the same thing of a son?) to do drop offs and pick ups + after school baby sitting every day. That is a lot. And I seriously doubt OP only demands this during the school day. I'm sure she also requires her daughter to babysit on evenings and weeks where applicable.
I grew up in the same environment. But of course my sister was too young to babysit, so she got to do after school activities or sleep over at her BFFs house while I was stuck at home watching my brothers on weekend date nights.
While you may have been thrilled to be made a mom at an early age, not every daughter is. <- notice the emphasis on daughter. I doubt OP would require the same of a son.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:15     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:I thought drivers under 18 couldn't have other children in the car?


I think there is an exception for family members.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:15     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
If you're paying for the car, she has to take the other kids to school, but it's not fair for you to expect her to babysit after school every day. She's 17, she has a life. Suck it up and get a babysitter.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 21:01     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
I thought drivers under 18 couldn't have other children in the car?
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 20:55     Subject: Re:17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Some of you people are ridiculous. No wonder you are raising such despicable, selfish, entitled teens. Part of being in a family is contributing. Asking a teen to drive a sibling to school in the morning is perfectly reasonable. Especially if you are paying for the car, gas, and insurance. The afternoons might not work some days because of after school activities. But there is no reason a teen should not be responsible for babysitting. I drove my sisters all over everywhere. Just part of living in a family. We are very, very close. I have five children and the older ones help out when needed. Families work together.
Anonymous
Post 11/28/2017 20:42     Subject: 17 year old DD refuses to take her little sisters to school
Anonymous wrote:LOL. Take away her car! No access to car unless she can use car privleges to help her family. Take away her phone. No phone privleges unless she watches her family after school--that is a family communication tool, not her personal property.


This. Op, I sure hope your dd is driving a car she paid for herself, insured and puts gas into. That is the only way she calls the shots on dropping siblings off sometimes

For after school care, I think a balance is needed. A couple of days a week if she doesn’t have sports, activities or other work, I think is fine. But agree with pps about not having her be responsible for everyday childcare.