Anonymous
11/27/2017 18:07
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad Format
1. Person # 1 asks "What are you mad about?" (doesn't have to be about their partner, could be about anything).
2. Person #2 says "I am mad about..."
3. Person #1 repeats back what they heard. If correct, Person #2 says okay. If not correct, Person #2 clarifies and Person #1 attempts again.
4. Repeat Steps 1-3.
5. Person # 1 asks "Is there anything else you are mad about?"
6. If Person # 2 says there is nothing, then you move on to sad.
7. Person #1 asks "What are you sad about?"
8. Repeat Steps 2-6.
9. Person # 1 asks "What are you scared about?"
10. Repeat Steps 2-6.
11. Person #1 asks "What are you glad about?"
12. Hug.
13. Switch roles. Person #2 does all the asking and repeating back, while Person #1 does all the sharing.
14. Hug.
I'm a woman, and this sounds a little forced and unnatural to me. If there's something on my mind that I want to talk about, I'll just say it. But whatever works for other people and makes them happy is cool.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 18:06
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Recap of the whole of DCUM:
Men connect by having sex and are more willing then to do the stuff that women want, which is connecting emotionally, which makes women more likely to want to have sex with their husbands, which will make those husbands more willing to connect emotionally
.... this is a circle, folks, and somebody has to jump in and start. It is MUCH easier to start with sex. Yeah. Just DO it.
Sex is easier than holding hands, talking and going for a walk.#Mansplaining
As a man, I say this sincerely -- women would do better if they would explain for a man. If you say, "hold hands, talk, and go for a walk" instead of using a phrase like "connect emotionally," we'll understand what the hell you want. I can tell when I've held up my end of the relationship. Holding hands, talking, and going for a walk before sex doesn't sound like much of burden. It sounds nice!
This is so true. I have to spell things out for my husband, but when I do, I see that he listens and acts accordingly. You can't assume someone knows what you're talking about.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 18:04
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:No you have not. You have answered the question how would YOU a MAN who does not have a child that died would connect with your wife.
You also don't know if the OP is having sex or not, I suspect they are and are still not connected.
Maybe next time you should actually read the opening post:
“We have grown apart and aren’t connecting/ed, physically or emotionally.””
Me and a dozen other respondents seem to agree that sex is the best way to connect with a man, despite their tragedy. What makes you an expert on male interest in sex?
Anonymous
11/27/2017 17:20
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Recap of the whole of DCUM:
Men connect by having sex and are more willing then to do the stuff that women want, which is connecting emotionally, which makes women more likely to want to have sex with their husbands, which will make those husbands more willing to connect emotionally
.... this is a circle, folks, and somebody has to jump in and start. It is MUCH easier to start with sex. Yeah. Just DO it.
Sex is easier than holding hands, talking and going for a walk.
As a man, I say this sincerely -- women would do better if they would explain for a man. If you say, "hold hands, talk, and go for a walk" instead of using a phrase like "connect emotionally," we'll understand what the hell you want. I can tell when I've held up my end of the relationship. Holding hands, talking, and going for a walk before sex doesn't sound like much of burden. It sounds nice!
Anonymous
11/27/2017 16:59
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Recap of the whole of DCUM:
Men connect by having sex and are more willing then to do the stuff that women want, which is connecting emotionally, which makes women more likely to want to have sex with their husbands, which will make those husbands more willing to connect emotionally
.... this is a circle, folks, and somebody has to jump in and start. It is MUCH easier to start with sex. Yeah. Just DO it.
Sex is easier than holding hands, talking and going for a walk.
#Mansplaining
Anonymous
11/27/2017 16:05
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad Format
1. Person # 1 asks "What are you mad about?" (doesn't have to be about their partner, could be about anything).
2. Person #2 says "I am mad about..."
3. Person #1 repeats back what they heard. If correct, Person #2 says okay. If not correct, Person #2 clarifies and Person #1 attempts again.
4. Repeat Steps 1-3.
5. Person # 1 asks "Is there anything else you are mad about?"
6. If Person # 2 says there is nothing, then you move on to sad.
7. Person #1 asks "What are you sad about?"
8. Repeat Steps 2-6.
9. Person # 1 asks "What are you scared about?"
10. Repeat Steps 2-6.
11. Person #1 asks "What are you glad about?"
12. Hug.
13. Switch roles. Person #2 does all the asking and repeating back, while Person #1 does all the sharing.
14. Hug.
This is incredible. I will try this. One day. Thanks.
-np
Please do ... I promise it works, it really helps bring down walls. But both parties have to be willing to do it.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 16:03
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
In order to get what you desire, you have to become what you want. Loving, patient, understanding, and focus on her/his needs before your own. Being a couple means truly being a we, and making decisions accordingly. For example, what is best for you is not necessarily what is best for you as a couple. Get out of the negative cycle lamenting over what has occurred, happened, and stop blame. Sh*t happens, people f*ck up, but as painful as that is is it is the only way to grow.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 15:41
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.
You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.
Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.
Men who just had a child die "connect" best by having sex. Never heard that... can you please post a link to a study that shows that?
Did you have a child die?
No I did not have a child die. I am not aware of any studies on this topic. In the absence of studies, it is reasonable to assume that men's best (only?) way to connect remains effective. Sex. On what basis would you think that the standard rules for male bonding don't apply?
In the absence of studies? Are you seriously saying that there has never been a study on how men manage the death of a child and how it affects their intimacy and relationship with their wife.
You are a simple (simple very simple) example of somebody that should not post and opinion because you have no clue.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 15:39
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Try physical closeness. People need touching. Try sleeping naked. Have sex once a week, whether you want to or not.
You do realize intimacy comes in many forms. Physical intimacy is a temporary fix the problem is usually acknowledging feelings and not forgetting what you did/said when you first started dating. Kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness go a long way.
Obviously this was posted by a woman. Trust me, for a man, sex is THE best (only?) way to "reconnect with spouse". Men don't need "acknowledging feelings... selflessness.... thoughtfulness"... men just need regular sex.
I'm sure you're right PP.
But I'm a wife who tried that strategy and it made things worse for me/us. It made me extremely angry and resentful that he was getting his needs met and that I wasn't. There was no "fake it til you make it" for me. If I were also a man then maybe your way would work. Unfortunately only one of us is male.
And if a man posted jere asking for advice on how-to connect, I might tell him to meet YOUR female needs (whatever those are... obviously not sex).
But OP is a woman, asking how to connect with her spouse (a man). I (and many others) have answered her question correctly: sex.
No you have not. You have answered the question how would YOU a MAN who does not have a child that died would connect with your wife.
You also don't know if the OP is having sex or not, I suspect they are and are still not connected.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 15:13
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
For men. For women it's the other way around. Reconnecting via an emotional bond triggers the desire to reconnect physically
calling BS on this. many women on DCUM (and IRL) have said they need an emotional bond with a partner in order to have sex with said partner. But explain how these same women had relationships with narcissists and other asshole types? Certainly there was no emotional need being met for these women, abusers and narcissists don't care. If these women had shut down the sex frequency, these guys would have left them a lot earlier in the relationship.
So when I hear women say they 'need' an emotional connection in order to have sex = just another hoop for the man to jump through for the chance to have sex with his partner.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 11:59
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Sex and physical contact have the advantage of being simple, objectively verifiable activities. You know when you've done them.
"Emotional connection" is entirely subjective. It can barely be defined. The spouse who is supplying it can't reliably tell when the spouse who needs it has received what they need.
"Emotional connection" is entirely subjective. It can barely be defined. The spouse who is supplying it can't reliably tell when the spouse who needs it has received what they need.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 11:49
Subject: Re:tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Mad, Sad, Scared, Glad Format
1. Person # 1 asks "What are you mad about?" (doesn't have to be about their partner, could be about anything).
2. Person #2 says "I am mad about..."
3. Person #1 repeats back what they heard. If correct, Person #2 says okay. If not correct, Person #2 clarifies and Person #1 attempts again.
4. Repeat Steps 1-3.
5. Person # 1 asks "Is there anything else you are mad about?"
6. If Person # 2 says there is nothing, then you move on to sad.
7. Person #1 asks "What are you sad about?"
8. Repeat Steps 2-6.
9. Person # 1 asks "What are you scared about?"
10. Repeat Steps 2-6.
11. Person #1 asks "What are you glad about?"
12. Hug.
13. Switch roles. Person #2 does all the asking and repeating back, while Person #1 does all the sharing.
14. Hug.
This is incredible. I will try this. One day. Thanks.
-np
Anonymous
11/27/2017 11:30
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Have you ever read Stephen Covey? He told a story about a man who came up to him after a talk and said that he had fallen out of love with his wife, and what should he do. Covey said, "love your wife."
Love isn't just an emotion; it's an action. Act in loving ways toward your spouse, without expectation. But as you do that, he will start to notice and almost certainly respond in kind. It was the simple step I took when I felt disconnected from my spouse and was starting to resent him shortly after our second child was born, and it really worked.
I am so sorry for the loss of your chid. I cannot even imagine who awful this is. I do recommend, however, that people seek therapy as support following trauma, and I think it could help you and your DH. You should work through this together. Best of luck to you.
Love isn't just an emotion; it's an action. Act in loving ways toward your spouse, without expectation. But as you do that, he will start to notice and almost certainly respond in kind. It was the simple step I took when I felt disconnected from my spouse and was starting to resent him shortly after our second child was born, and it really worked.
I am so sorry for the loss of your chid. I cannot even imagine who awful this is. I do recommend, however, that people seek therapy as support following trauma, and I think it could help you and your DH. You should work through this together. Best of luck to you.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 10:04
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:act like you just started dating. You where on your best behavior then. Your spouse should hopefully pick up on this. Closeness maybe start touching each other see if it leads up to sex. Also forget the past and try to move forward. I find therapist spend too much time dwelling on the past. All that does is bring up the negative feelings. Best thing I did was start over with a clean slate, if you love the person and don't want a divorce what's the sense in dwelling on hurtful things
SO TRUE. It was useful for us to go over all that, but it left me feeling icky.
Anonymous
11/27/2017 09:29
Subject: tips for reconnecting with spouse?
act like you just started dating. You where on your best behavior then. Your spouse should hopefully pick up on this. Closeness maybe start touching each other see if it leads up to sex. Also forget the past and try to move forward. I find therapist spend too much time dwelling on the past. All that does is bring up the negative feelings. Best thing I did was start over with a clean slate, if you love the person and don't want a divorce what's the sense in dwelling on hurtful things