Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

This is very true in my family. All the SILs are revered, including my own DH. They can do no wrong, or if they do, it's easily forgiven or the in-laws walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone. DILs are expected to bend over backwards, follow the in-laws' religion, diet, advice, and if they don't, there's something wrong with DIL.

Is this a different culture? I really don't see so much being expected of DILs by older relatives.

By older relatives? Are you a DIL?

Yes. I help, but no more than MIL's sons help. I'd be pissed if i had to cook or do dishes and her sons didn't help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

This is very true in my family. All the SILs are revered, including my own DH. They can do no wrong, or if they do, it's easily forgiven or the in-laws walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone. DILs are expected to bend over backwards, follow the in-laws' religion, diet, advice, and if they don't, there's something wrong with DIL.

Is this a different culture? I really don't see so much being expected of DILs by older relatives.

By older relatives? Are you a DIL?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

OP here. I haven't seen the sexism you're talking about. "Willing to put up with my daughter"? I've never met a parent who speaks like that about their daughter or kid.

Ha! NP here. My parents have never said this, but this is exactly how they behave. My inlaws are pretty normal so luckily I didn’t have to deal with the “son settling” attitude.

My parents have always treated DH with respect and and a member of the family but don't expect him to know the names of every third and fourth cousin etc. however, MIL has treated me like an outsider from first meeting and gets so upset if I forget the name of someone I only saw a picture of once while flipping through an album 3 years ago. True story.

I honestly don't want to hate on MIL as I have had good relationships with the moms of old boyfriends. But it is like the second a relationship is serious Mothers of sons go crazy. I and FIL get along fine, always have. The common denominator is usually the mothers of sons.

Anonymous wrote:My DH gets along well with my family because my dad is laid back and just likes that he provides for me and the kids, is a loving dad, etc etc. He doesn't judge how clean he keeps our house or how well our lawn is mowed. He doesn't judge my DH if my kids are wearing stripes and polka dots at the same time. He doesn't judge his cooking or think he doesn't cook enough. He doesn't complain my DH doesn't call him enough. He doesn't expect gifts, cards or letters from my DH for birthdays etc.
however, My MIL does all of those things towards me. I am constantly judged and held up to a standard that she has set for herself. Not one that DH wants and he often complains about how his mom micromanaged him and what he wore and is happy i don't do that for the kids. However, he says little when she makes remarks like "well isn't that an interesting outfit your mom let you wear" to me and the kids (yes, not in a kind way, her tone is sarcastic/rude).
Of course i don't get along with someone who has made it her mission to find fault in me just breathing.
Of course DH likes my family, they don't judge him, put unrealistic expectations on him or hold him responsible for every interaction.

We don't have kids, but this is very similar to the dynamic between my DH and FIL and me and DH's mother.

My DH gets along well with my family because my dad is laid back and just likes that he provides for me and the kids, is a loving dad, etc etc. He doesn't judge how clean he keeps our house or how well our lawn is mowed. He doesn't judge my DH if my kids are wearing stripes and polka dots at the same time. He doesn't judge his cooking or think he doesn't cook enough. He doesn't complain my DH doesn't call him enough. He doesn't expect gifts, cards or letters from my DH for birthdays etc.
however, My MIL does all of those things towards me. I am constantly judged and held up to a standard that she has set for herself. Not one that DH wants and he often complains about how his mom micromanaged him and what he wore and is happy i don't do that for the kids. However, he says little when she makes remarks like "well isn't that an interesting outfit your mom let you wear" to me and the kids (yes, not in a kind way, her tone is sarcastic/rude).
Of course i don't get along with someone who has made it her mission to find fault in me just breathing.
Of course DH likes my family, they don't judge him, put unrealistic expectations on him or hold him responsible for every interaction.

Interesting - I posted the initial ingrained sexism response and we're third and fifth generation American (depending on the side of the family). I think maybe part of the 'glad you'll take my daughter' piece is that my SIL's and I were all well toward our mid-late 30's when we got married. Certainly not old, but I think our respective parents thought we might never get married and have kids, and that's their gold standard for happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

This is very true in my family. All the SILs are revered, including my own DH. They can do no wrong, or if they do, it's easily forgiven or the in-laws walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone. DILs are expected to bend over backwards, follow the in-laws' religion, diet, advice, and if they don't, there's something wrong with DIL.

Is this a different culture? I really don't see so much being expected of DILs by older relatives.

Yes, south asian. Parents basically consider women to be their responsibility until they are married off, and so are greatly appreciative when a man finally "takes responsibility" for their daughter, at least in my extended family. Nevermind that these days it seems that the women are more educated with professional degrees, etc. than the men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

This is very true in my family. All the SILs are revered, including my own DH. They can do no wrong, or if they do, it's easily forgiven or the in-laws walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone. DILs are expected to bend over backwards, follow the in-laws' religion, diet, advice, and if they don't, there's something wrong with DIL.

Is this a different culture? I really don't see so much being expected of DILs by older relatives.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. DW and I have very different levels of communication with our families. She calls her mom almost every day and I call my mom once per week. I think, perhaps, my mom is a little jealous that DW calls her mom more often than I call her...but...I'm happy with once per week and that's how it will stay.

Similarly, we each handle gifts for our own families. DW makes very creative photo albums/scrapbooks for her mom and I get my mom something from the store. I will never be the person that makes photo albums, it's just not a strong suit for me or one I am interested in developing.

It's certainly possible that my mom is jealous that DW has a different relationship with her parents than I do but we're different people and I don't feel compelled to change something that was working before I met DW simply because there's another person in the picture that does things differently.

I actually think my DH would write something 99% similar. His mom is extremely jealous of the time spent with my family, all the phone calls, etc. It's made it hard for me as a DIL. I know that DH thinks it's enough though.

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

This is very true in my family. All the SILs are revered, including my own DH. They can do no wrong, or if they do, it's easily forgiven or the in-laws walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting anyone. DILs are expected to bend over backwards, follow the in-laws' religion, diet, advice, and if they don't, there's something wrong with DIL.

HAHA my DH would never deal with my parents as much as I deal with his mother. He tolerates seeing them about twice a year and now my dad stays in a hotel when he does come. I see MIL literally every day of my life.

There are differences between the two sets. My parents are not nearly as helpful as MIL. They also mind their own business and have good advice, which MIL does not. So it’s a trade off, I guess. My parents would drive DH insane if they lived nearby just by pure virtue of how incredibly different they are from him. But they respect boundaries.

Interesting thread. DW and I have very different levels of communication with our families. She calls her mom almost every day and I call my mom once per week. I think, perhaps, my mom is a little jealous that DW calls her mom more often than I call her...but...I'm happy with once per week and that's how it will stay.

Similarly, we each handle gifts for our own families. DW makes very creative photo albums/scrapbooks for her mom and I get my mom something from the store. I will never be the person that makes photo albums, it's just not a strong suit for me or one I am interested in developing.

It's certainly possible that my mom is jealous that DW has a different relationship with her parents than I do but we're different people and I don't feel compelled to change something that was working before I met DW simply because there's another person in the picture that does things differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

NP. You said that the women are volunteering for the work and in doing so creating their own problems, then she explained that the husband is creating the problem on his end by the way he interacts with his parents, then you said that that is her fault because she should be controlling her husband's relationship with his own parents to begin with ... all in the context of complaining that women are creating problems by being unnecessarily controlling. You are bad a logic but very good at misogyny.

Haha yup. Good summary there

NP. +1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

OP here. I haven't seen the sexism you're talking about. "Willing to put up with my daughter"? I've never met a parent who speaks like that about their daughter or kid.

My mother says it about me and my DH. ALL. THE. TIME.