Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 13:31     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:I am from Europe and I find these attitudes towards parents, ILS here very unusual. Family is family, when I married my DH's family became my family, they are white bread American type of family, but I realized that I didn't become their family. I think it goes both ways. My DH's grandmother asked my SIL and me, DH was working overseas at the time, which of their nice wooden furniture(small pieces like stools and such) would we like to get as they were getting older. SIL answered and I said, I don't know, I will ask DH, but I think he really likes the small stool. I was given a lecture by SIL(my age) about it not being my place. When MIL died I was the only one that went out of my way to cook for FIL and help, and when I asked, one day! if he likes this kind of stew that I prepared that day, that he will tell me after he eats it. This was after months of cooking for him. I am the one who tells DH to let go of annoying things his family does. So, I don't know, it seems to me it goes both ways. In Europe, in my family, we know traditions and we don't make a fuss about it. Parents do for us, and we do for them. I have no idea if this this just my country, probably there are many differences in every country in the world, in every family in the world. And my ILS might be just as unusual in the US compared to many other US families.


Maybe that's why Europeans are marrying less and having fewer children.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 13:26     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.


Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.


No wonder your children don't want to be around you. You had children because YOU wanted children. I think some adults if told "you have a choice: You can be born and be chained to your manipulative, entitled parents for your ENTIRE life or you can not be born," they'd choose to not be born. You don't get to say that you "gave" them life and then go on to demand how they life it. Life without freedom is servitude. Did you have children to make them your servants?

The real gift parents can give their children is freedom -- and that means freedom from emotional blackmail and manipulation. Usually, when parents give their children that gift, the adult children do actually then want to have a relationship with their parents in adulthood.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 13:22     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:No one has a right to my time, attention, resources or love.

I call my parents once a week, send them memes and links on facebook or text cute kid photos a few times a week and visit a few times a year. But not because it is their right. Because I love them and enjoy our time together and find value in our relationship. While not perfect, they are loving, supportive and respectful of me and when we have issues, we address them out in the open with healthy communication.

My in-laws are a little annoying to me (since I am not adapted to their quirks), but they are kind, supportive and loving parents to DH, and wonderful grandparents. They are also respectful and considerate guests and come visit a few times a year and I facetime them a few times a month with the kids and DH calls and texts them in-between. But again, spending time together and communicating with them regularly is the natural result of our positive relationship with them. It is not their “right.”


This. Children have no choice to be born, so there should be no expectations of parents that their adult children "owe" them anything. The only expectation is that children are to support themselves when they become adults, that they are not to remain eternal children.

Beyond that, if parents want their adult children to have a relationship with them, they have to, as other PPs posted, respect them as they would other adults.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 13:17     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.


Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.


Whose logic is twisted?


your logic. or perhaps you really had children "for your own enjoyment". I didn't.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 13:02     Subject: Re:Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
People put up with so much abuse from family members because "family is family", when if it was a significant other treating you that way there'd be a line down the block telling you to leave them. It's bullshit. Nobody should harass, manipulate, or abuse other people, and you don't have to keep abusive people in your life.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 12:54     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.


Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.


Whose logic is twisted?
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 12:51     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.


Such a twisted logic. By having children I did them a favor which is the biggest favor they could have gotten - being born. there is absolutely a reason to be grateful to be born. I certainly was grateful to my parents for giving me a chance at life.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 12:32     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.


This. My early childhood was pretty awful and later, my parents were indifferent and emotionally unsupportive. For some reason, they have mellowed as grandparents and expect a meaningful relationship with my kids. If it’s convenient for me, fine. But I’m not going out of my way to see my parents now.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 11:02     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.


Life isn’t this simple. At all.


No, it isn't this simple but if you did a crappy job parenting the odds are pretty good you will reap what you sow.


You never know. Especially with what many consider good parenting..
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 11:02     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
It really annoys me when parents talk about how they sacrificed to raise kids and then kids owe them something. Nope. You had kids because you wanted them. You had them for your own enjoyment and shouldn't have been such a martyr.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 10:54     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Idk. Dhs parents are very nice. They never call us and never visit us. They expect us to visit once a month, every holiday and are upset dh doesn't call. I used to put forth more effort, but I'm not the parent or their kid so I've stopped. I nag dh to call, but he doesn't. I've started visiting every other time they visit us. It's absolutely insane that retired people can't visit us in our nice house with a guest bedroom, but they expect us all to cram into one room at their house for constant visits. They should try calling their son, but they think sons should call them. It's not working out well for them. I can't manage this relationship anymore. It was stressful to me and I have my own family to manage.

My parents and I have an equal relationship. We call and visit equally. Visits aren't only on my my family. And when we visit my parents they have beds for all of us.

I think time and attention should go downhill. Everything should be focused on the younger generation, which are my kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 10:53     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked at the number of young couples who seem to feel that any expected visits to or from family are unreasonable or who think its too much to expect them to help out/sacrifice for parents who've raised them. Is it just this forum or is there a total sense that parent's are there to serve children but never vice versa? I'm not talking about major financial burdens or letting parents move in with you, but occasional visits that last longer than the time it takes to eat and run, collect Xmas gifts or drop the kids off for free care?



I don't understand this mindset at all. When I am close to people I look for ways I can love and support them and enjoy their company. I don't sit around keeping a tally of sacrifices people have made for me out of obligation.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 10:49     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.


Life isn’t this simple. At all.


No, it isn't this simple but if you did a crappy job parenting the odds are pretty good you will reap what you sow.
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 10:47     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.


+1
Anonymous
Post 11/19/2017 10:21     Subject: Do parents/in laws have any right to expect an effort at family togetherness?
Anonymous wrote:You reap what you sow. The amount of love, care, time people put in their parenting, they will receive the same back.


Life isn’t this simple. At all.