Iwas the wife in this scenario. My now XH and I were in discussions as to whether or not we were going to separate and divorce. He decided that was an awesome time to go online and start dating. In the neighborhood we’d lived for 17 years. I had a neighbor see him out on a date (marriage was over, we were separating, not separated, but it wasn’t public knowledge yet) and she told me. I was mortified (by his behavior, not hers) because it was so embarrassing. I told her the situation, before I was really ready to share with anyone. I appreciate she told me from a place of love but I honestly wish she’d kept it to herself. It made a horrible situation even worse. I felt like everyone knew and I was the topic of the neighborhood gossip.

Anonymous wrote:So not your place. Each person defines their marriage and values in their own way. It is between the wife and husband[b] - it is their vow, not yours.

No. Infidelity is not a marital matter "between the wife and husband" if one of those two people knows nothing about it. It can only be something "between" them if both of them are aware it exists.

Now you'll come back and say if the wife doesn't know, that's her fault for not paying attention to her marriage, or she ought to have read the signs, or whatever. Or you'll say she probably does know so OP should assume just that and not say a word.

People like you hide behind the idea of "That's private and privacy is sacred" when you actually just don't want to get involved. If you had a close friend whose spouse you saw out in the same circumstances OP describes, you wouldn't tell your friend, because you're such a strong supporter of privacy in marriage--? Doesn't it violate the privacy of a marriage if one spouse admits another person into it as a third party via an affair, and doesn't the cheated-on spouse have a right to know there's someone else in that picture?

Oh, here come the ever-wishful "Maybe it's an open marriage" posters, I'm sure. They and the "did you get fat" posters are reliable at turning up on every thread about infidelity.

OP, just find a way either to tell her or just to indicate he was out with another woman so she can interpret that however she chooses. If she ignores it, fine. If she is OK with it, fine. But you'll at least have given her a shot at deciding for herself what she wants to do, or not do, with that information.

Anonymous wrote:TBH I'm surprised by the number of people who wouldn't say something. She deserves to know the kind of guy she's married to. I'd tell her. And if the tables were turned I'd hope to hell someone would tell me.

I am also surprised by this

So not your place. Each person defines their marriage and values in their own way. It is between the wife and husband - it is their vow, not yours.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they have an open marriage. Just MYOB.

+1

Anonymous wrote:TBH I'm surprised by the number of people who wouldn't say something. She deserves to know the kind of guy she's married to. I'd tell her. And if the tables were turned I'd hope to hell someone would tell me.

+1

Manage to run into her as soon as you can. Say how you saw her husband out at restaurant X on night Y (be specific with the location and date) and how "I was sorry to miss seeing you there too but Bill explained it was a work dinner. I didn't get to meet the coworker he was with. Next time he's got a work event in the evening or on a weekend, let me know if you want to get together for" a drink, or bring the kids over and we'll watch a movie, whatever works.

She should realize that he was not wherever he claimed to her he was at that time.

I normally would not advocate that kind of subterfuge if she were a friend of yours--I'd say directly, I saw Bill at X on date Y but not you and he was with a woman he said was a coworker; what's up? -- but as it seems she isn't close enough that you feel you can flat-out say her husband appeared to be out kissing another woman, then I'd do the innocent "Saw Bill out with a coworker but didn't meet her" thing. With the emphasis on "her."

Anonymous wrote:Next time you are talking to her I would casually mention that you saw him out at a restaurant. Then just honestly answer any question she asks.

This is the approach I would take too.

TBH I'm surprised by the number of people who wouldn't say something. She deserves to know the kind of guy she's married to. I'd tell her. And if the tables were turned I'd hope to hell someone would tell me.

Anonymous wrote:Unless I was friends with her, I wouldn't say anything directly. At least not immediately.

However, if I did find myself in conversation with her, I'd probably ask something that would strongly imply that I assumed their marriage was an open one. And then see if she sweeps it under the rug or acts surprised and asks me what I mean. So basically act like I'm MYOB but really letting her know in a nice way. And I'd be the shocked one, acting like of course I just assumed it was an open marriage since he was kissing a woman on the lips repeatedly in a restaurant, hope I didn't get anyone into trouble, etc.

But I would definitely want to know, and so I'd not feel good acting like everything was fine with her, just in case it's not.

+1

It’s hard to know who would want to know, who’s doesnt want to know, and who already knows and made their decision to stay. Giving the person the option to sweep it under the rug or not and allowing the option that it’s an open marriage and what works for them gives the flexibility to meet all different scenarios.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, is his wife a SAHM? If she is, that might explain why he's so emboldened cos he holds the purse strings.

This makes no sense. Everyone knows that SAHMs, who are cheated on, win a free early retirement, courtesy of their husband's alimony.

Not true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless I was friends with her, I wouldn't say anything directly. At least not immediately.

However, if I did find myself in conversation with her, I'd probably ask something that would strongly imply that I assumed their marriage was an open one. And then see if she sweeps it under the rug or acts surprised and asks me what I mean. So basically act like I'm MYOB but really letting her know in a nice way. And I'd be the shocked one, acting like of course I just assumed it was an open marriage since he was kissing a woman on the lips repeatedly in a restaurant, hope I didn't get anyone into trouble, etc.

But I would definitely want to know, and so I'd not feel good acting like everything was fine with her, just in case it's not.

+10000.

This; same.

This is a terrible approach, so cowardly and passive aggressive. If you’re going to tell, take responsibility for it and do it directly.

I dated a married man and we were constantly out in public and PDA. He’d told me he was separated, so i had good grounds to believe him (he also stayed overnight at my house at least once or twice a week). I have no idea why he was so bold. Maybe he wanted to get caught, who knows? But I’m on Team MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs are at a disadvantage cos alimony isn't what it used to be.

If he makes good money, she will get child support, a ton of alimony, plus half of everything, including retirement accounts.

Of course: child support and half of assets (and debts) is standard.

But unless he makes INSANE money (multi 7 figures per year) she will be working full time someplace. Remember that whole gender equality thing? One result is that SAHM is now viewed as a privilege of marriage that ends upon divorce. Today's alimony (if there is any at all) won't be a lifetime of income, but a temporary way for her to transition back into the workforce and become self supporting.

Anonymous wrote:I notice that women agonize over informing the DW but men couldn't give a shit. Kinda like a 'bros before hos' thing, and I wonder if it makes more sense to take their approach instead of worrying about someone else's marriage. You're not his keeper.

It isn't bros before hos. It's don't be stupid; stay out of other couples' shit. Let them torpedo their relationships on their own. Try not to pick sides.

Next time you are talking to her I would casually mention that you saw him out at a restaurant. Then just honestly answer any question she asks.