Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 20:00     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:

What do you want, a medal?



She does. And she's screwing up her kids, who are soaking in her unhappiness and now have no model for what a loving relationship.

Poor kids.

Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 19:28     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:Married 18 years. Zero passion zero connection zero sex left. We are roommates. Many days I want a divorce. But we have three kids who don't see strife, have a home with two parents who get along and love them and are raising them in a supportive environment where they are thriving-- successful in school, in sports, dance, etc.

When I think of divorce sometimes I think I would be happier but my kids would be crushed. So I sacrifice my happiness for them. I, like many parents, have said I would die for my kids, so I endure this unhappiness for them. So many people on DCUM make divorce sound so easy or seem to celebrate it and I am just not there....


Um. If you don't want to get divorce, don't. No one here is forcing you to make that choice.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 15:34     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:Married 18 years. Zero passion zero connection zero sex left. We are roommates. Many days I want a divorce. But we have three kids who don't see strife, have a home with two parents who get along and love them and are raising them in a supportive environment where they are thriving-- successful in school, in sports, dance, etc.

When I think of divorce sometimes I think I would be happier but my kids would be crushed. So I sacrifice my happiness for them. I, like many parents, have said I would die for my kids, so I endure this unhappiness for them. So many people on DCUM make divorce sound so easy or seem to celebrate it and I am just not there....
.
Same and I stayed for 15 years. DH also had other issues that forced a decision to divorce, but I was thankful DC was older and could see the problem and although it hurt was better for all.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 15:12     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:Having worked many years in law enforcement, I can tell you that over 90% of the criminals we saw were products of broken homes and/or abuse as children. Plenty of people can make divorce work but many children blame themselves and it causes unnecessary stress in their life.

For those of you where divorce worked, congrats. For those of you in non-abusive relationships staying together and fighting through issues for the benefit of your children, in my opinion, it's worth it.


First, there is a huge difference between divorce and abuse, so no idea why you would lump them them together. Second, your anecdotal statistic is meaningless because you don't include all the kids of divorce and/or abuse that do not enter the criminal justice system at all, nor do you account for other issues, such as socioeconomic status, that probably affect kids' likelihood of getting into trouble more.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 14:47     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:Great, they can thank you years from now when they're stuck in their own bad marriages.

I'm sure they'll be greatful to realize that they have to spend the rest of their lives as a martyr; just like their mom. Who wouldn't be, right?

High five OP. Awesome job teaching them that relationships without connection are where it's at.

Don't blame your kids for your inability to leave. Go to therapy and at least own what you're doing to them. If you really want this life, the least you could do is regularly explain to them that how you and your husband live isn't typical, healthy or ideal.

Fingers crossed they can somehow find a good marriage even though you are giving them this as a daily example. I'm sure it will work out.


The most idiotic, disrespectful, boundary-ignorant parenting advice I've ever seen.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 14:39     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Having worked many years in law enforcement, I can tell you that over 90% of the criminals we saw were products of broken homes and/or abuse as children. Plenty of people can make divorce work but many children blame themselves and it causes unnecessary stress in their life.

For those of you where divorce worked, congrats. For those of you in non-abusive relationships staying together and fighting through issues for the benefit of your children, in my opinion, it's worth it.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 13:30     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
As a child of divorce, I would never want my parents to be unhappily married because of me.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 13:21     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:My parents stayed together for their children, and while they never said it, I knew it. I felt guilty about it because I knew they would be happier elsewhere. It seemed like I was a burden. They separated immediately when the youngest went to college. Pain, resentment, guilt plagued me until I got into therapy. There are fates worse than divorce


+1.

Some people enjoy being martyrs.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 13:21     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
It sounds sad to me, for all involved.

But congrats, if that’s what you’re looking for.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 13:04     Subject: Re:I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Good for you for staying, OP. But don't just accept the status quo, do everything in your power to revitalize your relationship. Counseling, quality time together doing the things that you initially enjoyed together, a marriage course, etc.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 13:02     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
My parents stayed together for their children, and while they never said it, I knew it. I felt guilty about it because I knew they would be happier elsewhere. It seemed like I was a burden. They separated immediately when the youngest went to college. Pain, resentment, guilt plagued me until I got into therapy. There are fates worse than divorce
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:54     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat but there's no guarantees on me wonderful or you won't end up in the same place after a decade with the second. I am a golf widow with a frat boy husband. My parents never split even though they loved each other a lot but had a lot of fighting. I'm sure my dad could have fantasized about the perfect wife (my mom is nuts) but they stayed together and I'm so grateful. We have a close family and now in their old age they're not alone and enjoy their grandchildren.
I've seen friends who's parents split even as adults and they're never the same. They kind of unravel. I think you're doing the right thing.


I think my parents were distant and indifferent to each other for years. But they stayed together and I believe they were at their closest in the 5 or so years before my dad died at 84. I was grateful they stuck it out and it was a good lesson lived. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:49     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:sounds like a typical midlife crisis to me. not sure what's so unique about op's situation


I don’t get it either.. it’s like every other marriage. We love each other but we don’t have sex. Ok...


To read DCUM, everyone stops having sex and then starts having affairs.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:30     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No matter what you end up doing you are being sober and realistic. People tell themselves lies but both scenarios are very tough .

If the kids were out of college what would you do?


OP, what is your plan? Not criticizing, just wondering.



I made clear what my plan is. I'm staying for my kids. If they are grown and out of college? Not sure ... I still have 10+ years before that. As PP said, I would love to find that passion again. I don't know if I will, but for now I will be staying. I wish we felt that mutual attraction again. That would go a long way


What else is wrong if mutual attraction would go a long way? In your OP you made it sound that mutual attraction was the only thing lacking and rest was great.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2017 12:22     Subject: I would die for my kids, so I stay for them
Anonymous wrote:I am in the same boat but there's no guarantees on me wonderful or you won't end up in the same place after a decade with the second. I am a golf widow with a frat boy husband. My parents never split even though they loved each other a lot but had a lot of fighting. I'm sure my dad could have fantasized about the perfect wife (my mom is nuts) but they stayed together and I'm so grateful. We have a close family and now in their old age they're not alone and enjoy their grandchildren.
I've seen friends who's parents split even as adults and they're never the same. They kind of unravel. I think you're doing the right thing.


+1

Yup. The devil you know vs. the devil you don't know. Men can be manipulative and deceitful - who wants another one?

MIL stayed and FIL died young. I know MIL hasn't gone near a man since. It is not because she likes men, that's for sure! LOL.