I think it's worth it to try counseling. My DH and I are in couples counseling now. I too was ambivalent about it because I felt like our problems ran too deep and I just wasn't sure whether I really thought our marriage was worth saving. What ultimately motivated me was the thought that, regardless of whether we stay together, counseling would help smooth the transition into separate households. Like you, I was worried our counselor would try and make us have sex. A lot of deeply rooted resentment has led to apathy on my part and I no longer feel attracted to my DH. I wish I did. Our counselor hasn't encouraged us to have sex, but she does encourage us to begin with small ways of connecting physically like holding hands. To be honest, it's awkward, but getting slightly easier. On the whole, counseling has made our house a more peaceful place to live. I'm still not sure where I want to be in the next 10 years, but I think getting all the fighting under control will help me make my decision. I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Don't blame yourself. It takes two people in the marriage to let things get to where they are. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: we also come from conservative families. Divorce is frowned upon. We have never had sex with anybody else.

Sure. 4 years? He is getting some on the side

Leave

Stay

Anonymous wrote:Don't you ladies think if he's not getting it from you, he's probably getting it somewhere else? I can't imagine going 4 weeks w/o sex with my DH, much less 4 years!

PP here: not at all worried. Low testosterone is a huge libido killer. I know he is not interested in getting it elsewhere. (And if he did, I would not really care.) I would prefer staying married to the alternative of divorce and coparenting,

Don't you ladies think if he's not getting it from you, he's probably getting it somewhere else? I can't imagine going 4 weeks w/o sex with my DH, much less 4 years!

I am in a similar boat, age 40, and we are working on it. Broke an almost 4-year sex drought recently. Not expecting or need super frequent action. We are both pretty ok with infrequent sex but agree that a drought of a year or years should not happen again. We are not going to divorce over this. That takes the pressure off.

Of course you can turn this around, OP, but only if you want to. It doesn't sound as if you want to. You have to put in the effort, go out of your way to make sex happen, to be nice, to talk about the difficult things, find out what he wants and needs.