Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Present it as a problem: he may do more than the other men in his office but you are at your breaking point. Either he needs to step up or 1. You need to hire an au pair or nanny or 2. You I’ll stop working full time or at all. Maybe when he considers the free extra overtime you are currently crumbling under, he will get it. Sometimes the only thing that works is a talk that involves the budget.

What do you really want op if he doesn’t step up?

I told him last night that I am completely overwhelmed and losing it. This morning we had two kids to take two different directions and it still didn't occur to him that he could offer to take one. He said he'd do it once I explained that I had to go two different directions and it would add 15+ minutes and I was running out of time to do things like get my own self ready for work (having already made breakfast for kids, rescheduled the cleaner, did work for my job, got kids backpacks ready...though he did wash his own dishes from the previous night).

I want a more equitable division of labor. Not just hands-on work but some of the thinking and planning that goes into running a life too.

Hold it - “he did wash his own dishes from the previous night”? Is he your husband or child? Do you do anything together? You need to be a TEAM to take on a family. No wonder he doesn’t think he is underperforming, he isn’t on board. There’s you and the kids and then there’s him. It needs to be you and him and then there’s the kids. Big problems here, OP.

He eats by himself most nights. After kids go to sleep. At around the time I am winding down for the evening. He wants to eat exactly what he wants for dinner (same thing pretty much all the time) and prepares his own meal nightly. Yep, it's a known issue.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have grandparents close by? Why did either of you need to mid work. Have a grand parents take their grand child to the doctor. Problem solved.

Any questions you write them down for the doctor to answer for you in writing. Or the grandparents calls you from the visit and puts you on speaker

See. No one missed work. Kid went to doctor. Problem solved.

Yeah right. I always just snap my fingers and just like that - a grandparent appears and says “what can I do for you today?!”
Not.

Bam!

In my house it's more like "I know my son/your husband has been gone for 6 weeks straight, but we need you all to spend the only weekend he's home this quarter with us instead of home with his family." I'm busy, overwhelmed and my inlaws can only think of themselves. Never babysat one day in their lives, but they're full of demands on our time.

Anonymous wrote:Do you have grandparents close by? Why did either of you need to mid work. Have a grand parents take their grand child to the doctor. Problem solved.

Any questions you write them down for the doctor to answer for you in writing. Or the grandparents calls you from the visit and puts you on speaker

See. No one missed work. Kid went to doctor. Problem solved.

Yeah right. I always just snap my fingers and just like that - a grandparent appears and says “what can I do for you today?!”
Not.

Dad of twins here. I've noticed that households with multiples tend to be more balanced perforce because they have to. It isn't universal. In our multiples club, there are many mothers who are there complaining about the same thing that the mothers on this thread are complaining about because they have partners who just don't get it. But fathers of multiples tend to be more involved because you just need more hands around for a lot of the work, especially at the infant stage.

I have always been the default homemaker partly because I was very good friends with my mom and she was so good at teacher us life skills. For the first 10 years (pre-kids) of our lives, I was the default home-maker. What made a difference was when we had twins, and we each took parental leave. I had 3 weeks of vacation, she had 6 weeks. We took all our vacation and then we both went on FMLA leave part-time until the twins were 15 weeks old (I took the full 12 weeks, she took 9 weeks). We each worked part-time. I worked M/W/F and she worked T/Th for the FMLA because we had very understanding and supportive work places. This allowed us both to keep up with work while still taking leave. The 3 weeks after I first returned to work, when she had her first taste of a full day at home with 2 infants and no help, made a big difference. After that, over the next 2 years, she began doing more and more work, especially when I was clearly exhausted. By the time the kids were 2, the home workload was much more balanced.

We both have had some family issues over the last several years and have had to take a week to go and take care of aging parents, she had two business trips, etc. We are both perfectly capable now of running the household, taking care of the kids, the scheduling, and so on. We sometimes get a family member come and help the week one of us is out of town, but we can't always swing it, so there are times that we have each had to be solo parent for a week. And we're fine.

I recommend that some of you with the uneven workloads, need to take a week to go and take care of something out of town and leave a schedule and a list of chores that need to get done while you're away and then go and let your husband manage the household for a week without you. He can get the kids to and from daycare/school/whatever. He can be responsible for meals, making sure the kids have clean clothes and getting them to activities. He can handle shopping with the kids (don't stock more than a day or two of food for them) or paying for them to eat out when the prepped food runs out. It's an eye opening experience and should make him a lot more understanding of what your regular weeks look like. Solo parenting for a week helped us a lot with balance.

No advice, just want to commiserate.

My favorite line from men is "well I'm not cheating on you!". Yea, not cheating totally excuses you from being a POS. On second thought, why don't you go ahead and cheat so at least I don't have to deal with crappy sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s probably right. I’m one of those who does all the outdoor tasks, car/computer/appliance maintenance. I also cook, often times clean the kitchen and I still get nagged. I know I do more than my friends do.

Problem is entitled women.

entitled to what, exactly? there's one gender here sounding entitled to other people's free labor ...

Yeah, she’s entitled to his money and time..or so she thinks.

Reading comprehension is clearly not your strength.

When our children were young and we were both working full time I never had a problem asking my DH to do things and over time he simply did them without asking. Rather than negotiating a list of responsibilities (a fight waiting to happen) the division took on a life of its own. I will admit that it was never 50/50 but he did work much longer hours than I did. On weekends he was fully engaged plus did his man-stuff like lawn moving, leaf raking, repairs etc. I would love for him to have changed more diapers but at the same time I never mowed the lawn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Present it as a problem: he may do more than the other men in his office but you are at your breaking point. Either he needs to step up or 1. You need to hire an au pair or nanny or 2. You I’ll stop working full time or at all. Maybe when he considers the free extra overtime you are currently crumbling under, he will get it. Sometimes the only thing that works is a talk that involves the budget.

What do you really want op if he doesn’t step up?

I told him last night that I am completely overwhelmed and losing it. This morning we had two kids to take two different directions and it still didn't occur to him that he could offer to take one. He said he'd do it once I explained that I had to go two different directions and it would add 15+ minutes and I was running out of time to do things like get my own self ready for work (having already made breakfast for kids, rescheduled the cleaner, did work for my job, got kids backpacks ready...though he did wash his own dishes from the previous night).

I want a more equitable division of labor. Not just hands-on work but some of the thinking and planning that goes into running a life too.

Hold it - “he did wash his own dishes from the previous night”? Is he your husband or child? Do you do anything together? You need to be a TEAM to take on a family. No wonder he doesn’t think he is underperforming, he isn’t on board. There’s you and the kids and then there’s him. It needs to be you and him and then there’s the kids. Big problems here, OP.

Stop doing it all. I stopped washing my husbands clothes because he did not appreciate it. He is fully capable to do his own laundry.

Anonymous wrote:When will the women of DCUM figure out that this is just how it is? It may not be fair but come on. We literally have the same thread three times a week. This is the world. Get used to it or don’t have kids.

+1

Therapy is a colossal waste of time and money over the long term. Men are dogs, they don't respond to talking. What's the alternative? Divorce and single parenting? What would you do then? Act like a single parent and be glad you're not really one.

Anonymous wrote:Present it as a problem: he may do more than the other men in his office but you are at your breaking point. Either he needs to step up or 1. You need to hire an au pair or nanny or 2. You I’ll stop working full time or at all. Maybe when he considers the free extra overtime you are currently crumbling under, he will get it. Sometimes the only thing that works is a talk that involves the budget.

What do you really want op if he doesn’t step up?

I told him last night that I am completely overwhelmed and losing it. This morning we had two kids to take two different directions and it still didn't occur to him that he could offer to take one. He said he'd do it once I explained that I had to go two different directions and it would add 15+ minutes and I was running out of time to do things like get my own self ready for work (having already made breakfast for kids, rescheduled the cleaner, did work for my job, got kids backpacks ready...though he did wash his own dishes from the previous night).

I want a more equitable division of labor. Not just hands-on work but some of the thinking and planning that goes into running a life too.

Present it as a problem: he may do more than the other men in his office but you are at your breaking point. Either he needs to step up or 1. You need to hire an au pair or nanny or 2. You I’ll stop working full time or at all. Maybe when he considers the free extra overtime you are currently crumbling under, he will get it. Sometimes the only thing that works is a talk that involves the budget.

What do you really want op if he doesn’t step up?

Or you could be like the rest of DCUM and just blame your MILs for your husband's failings and lack of household help. They raised men to be like this.

Have him read this:

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When will the women of DCUM figure out that this is just how it is? It may not be fair but come on. We literally have the same thread three times a week. This is the world. Get used to it or don’t have kids.

screw you. there's NO reason to accept it.

OK continue to complain but at least just go read the other 10,000 threads on the exact same topic instead of starting a new one