Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

They need to earn to pay for an Uber to get to parties? Right. They might take it one way if you're watching the pickup in front of your house. But if you really think they're going to spend their own money on Ubers or cabs to get places, you're more naïve than you think. They'll pile into cars with other kids from the party, sober or drunk. And if they do actually take an Uber home from a party and are drunk or high themselves, you're condoning their being in a vehicle with a total stranger while in a state where they're easy prey. You're so intent on not transporting your own kids, to make a point about "party like an adult, take an Uber like an adult," that you've got a huge blind spot. Your kids are going to end up being driven by drunk teens or by total strangers. Sounds like you're fine with that possibility, as long as they earned the money to pay for it.

Where we live teens use Uber, they don't drive to and from parties, it's just not the thing. I can see the charges, they use split fares. All I am saying, you should get to know your teen, not just set rules.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

This is bad. You have no idea where they are going. The worst type of party in high school happens in hotels.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

They need to earn to pay for an Uber to get to parties? Right. They might take it one way if you're watching the pickup in front of your house. But if you really think they're going to spend their own money on Ubers or cabs to get places, you're more naïve than you think. They'll pile into cars with other kids from the party, sober or drunk. And if they do actually take an Uber home from a party and are drunk or high themselves, you're condoning their being in a vehicle with a total stranger while in a state where they're easy prey. You're so intent on not transporting your own kids, to make a point about "party like an adult, take an Uber like an adult," that you've got a huge blind spot. Your kids are going to end up being driven by drunk teens or by total strangers. Sounds like you're fine with that possibility, as long as they earned the money to pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:Howoften is she getting invited to parties and are these invitations from your daughter's friends (through activities or long term friendships)?

Since she is a ninth grader, if she is truly getting many invitations to parties and because you say she is getting mad about you metioning you want to talk the the parents, I would be VERY concerned that she is running with the wild, popular crowd or that she is trying to piggyback on parties/bashes thrown by upperclassmen, and is setting herself up to make some choices that could have serious repurcussions on her life.

Most high school kids (especially freshmen) are not going to parties every weekend. Most high school kids who are going to parties are going with/to kids who are involved in their activities, so the parents tend to know one another or at least know the kids involved in the parties.

I would tread carefully OP. If you let her go, you need to drop her off (about 30-60 minutes after she asks to be dropped off so you can see if it is a wild bash or a gathering) and pick her up early (like 11:00, for the same reason). Show up about 20-30 minutes before you tell her you are picming her up so you can sit in your car and see what kind of party this is.

No sleepovers at her friends' houses after a party, and give her the hug test when she gets home. Be suspicious of she comes out chewing a bunch of gum or smelling of perfume. Remember all the things you did to sneak around when you were a teen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd say I was going "out" and when I'd be home.

Never this.

We never let our kids just go "out." It is a set expectation that we know where you are going, who you are with, and what time you will be home. There's no curfew per se; just stick to the plan. If the plan changes, for example, you're going to Sam's house instead of Jake's, you let us know, or if you are stopping to get something to eat after the movie, you let us know.

I was counting days till college because my parents were asking all those questions. My parents still don't understand why I was so irked by those questions. None of those question stopped me from partying, I learned to hide well.

NP here. Do you have any actual advice for the OP so OP can do better than your parents did, or do you just want to brag about your powers of deception?

I don't think OP can as I don't think my parents could. All she can hoped for is that her kid is smart enough not to follow the crowd, not to eat and drink random stuff, not to be pressured into something she doesn't want to do and leave if it's uncomfortable. High school is too late to start with that, there were years prior to high school to talk about it and learn by example.

.

"All she can hope for"? So OP is supposed to cross her fingers, hope she did a good job all these years, and simply acquiesce when her DD announces she's going somewhere? There's a thing called "No" she can use too, if DD balks at parents transporting her, or doesn't provide the names of other kids who are going, or can't connect her parents with the parents who supposedly are hosting. You make it sound as if once HS begins, parents should just shrug and hope for the best and have no ability to set conditions and use discipline if needed.

Transporting? I am not transporting kids to parties, it didn't even cross my mind. They have to figure out the way to pay for Uber (aka earn money for it). If they want to party, they have to do other things adults do.
I learned couple of days ago that a "common" present from a parent to a kid, who is going to college,is a fake ID. That made for an interesting conversation as no way I can condone such a thing and I don't believe it's common. I am sure most of those parents will never tell me that they are doing it the same way I can only learn from kids that parents provide alcohol, not from parents.

Anonymous wrote:My freshman daughter seems to be getting invitations to a lot of evening/late night parties on weekends. She thought it was absurd when I asked if parents would be in the house where the party is. (I assume all freshman parents are asking the same thing and my daughter's humiliation for being the only one whose parents ask is going to blow over?)

I'm new to this-- what else should I be looking out for when she gets such invites?

[/quote

Set up a code word your DD can text you if she's ever scared or uncomfortable. If she texts it you call her tight back. Call don't text so her friends will hear the phone ring. You are the bad guy calling her home due to some infraction. She saves face with her peers and you let her complain about what a pain you are. Worked for my DD kn more than kne occasion.