RUN

Anonymous wrote:Not an issue for me if he exercises daily and eat good food. No exercise and junk food would be an automatic deal breaker.

Completely crazy! You think good food and exercise can cancel out the long-term effects of alcohol? Cancer, heart disease, assorted mental illnesses . . .

I had to leave someone like this once. Hardest thing I ever did. Cried for months. But I also knew that someday it would catch up with him and then we'd all be in trouble.

You can't change someone else - they have to decide to change themselves. I see his occasional posts on FB, but we don't really keep in touch, I have no idea if he ultimately took control of the issue, still hasn't hit the wall, or his now-wife is covering for him. I wish him the best but I knew I couldn't live with it in the long run. So sad.

Do you want kids? You would never ever be able to leave your child with him alone.

OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Oh, OP. I'm sorry you are going through this. Al-Anon is a good idea. Being married to an alcoholic is no fun. My mom's been doing it for 43 years. It hasn't gotten any better. It's no fun watching it play out in the next generation, either. Best of luck to you.

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Anonymous wrote:Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.

- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding?
- We didn't need a house?
- God, I hate the suburbs
- Can you shut up that screaming kid?

He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day.

OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

He's really not that easy going if he needs to drink that much. Also, just picture him in 20 to 30 years. It'll take more and more alcohol for him to feel the same.

Not all people need more and more. I am surrounded by people who drink, decades of drinking at the same level, the same good attitude, same good people. I don't believe in personality changes due to drinking. If you are a jerk when drinking then you a jerk sober, just a two-faced jerk who pretends well.

Alcoholics need more and more.

Matter of definition. I agree that not everyone who drinks a bottle of wine or a sixer a day is an alcoholic. Those people don't need more and more.

She said he was an alcoholic. Yes, alcoholics need more and more as they age if they want that same feeling that alcohol gives them.

He sounds like he has an addictive personality--in and out of AA, drinking before work, working 14 hours a day when it isn't necessary.

This is only going to get worse when he actually has more stress in life which is going to happen with marriage--job problems, your marriage is under stress, kids, money, etc.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

A close friend of mine married a functional alcoholic. She loved him, and he's a great guy. But they divorced 2 years later because she wanted to move and work at a higher paying job, and he wanted to stay in his cozy life where he could remain drunk. Drinking was more important than his marriage so it didn't last.

Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Anonymous wrote:Op how does he get to work every day? Does he drive?

I know you don't think this is a big deal but if he is drinking more than two drinks a day then he will probably have health problems down the road.

He walks to work (we live in a small college town). Like I said in my OP, he doesn't get sloppy/raging drunk, just kind of maintains a base BAC.

How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I think the OP knows it's a big deal--that's why she wrote this post. YOU are the one who decides if this acceptable in your life. I agree that AL Anon would be a good start. Talk to some older people who have family members who have had a drinking issue for many more years. Don't forget about potential health problems. Cirrhosis is a tough thing to watch.