Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:29     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different



I'm a 40+ Ivy grad and did not change my name. Some of my friends did and many others did not. Our marriages are all going fine!
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:28     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different



I think you are quite dim.


Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well



The point is not whether there are more or less people changing their names. The point is that one member of this couple made clear her preference, the other member heard it, made no objection to it, and now is suddenly objecting to it, and insisting that the person should do something they've repeatedly stated they don't want to do.

I'll lay a twenty on the table right now that says if this couple goes through with the marriage, in several years this same type of argument will be happening, only this time it will be something arguably more high stakes, like decisions on where to live, or having children.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:28     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different



I think you are quite dim.


Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well



I'm sorry, you think younger generations are going to be MORE traditional around marriage and name changes? You have no, no idea do you?
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:28     Subject: Re:Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to get married and picked a fight that will end it. (he hopes)


We can end the thread here.

To be more specific it's OP he doesn't want to marry. He took 4 years to propose and is now acting out about this. This is a guy that doesn't want to be married to OP and this is a guy OP should not marry.


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:21     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
The problem isn't the name change. It's his sudden reversal. He wants out. (He's probably having an affair.) He wants to blame you for demise of your relationship because you won't do what he wants.

I like giving him the opportunity to commit to you and take your name. Or take an entirely new name for the both of you.

He won't come through.

Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:19     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different



I think you are quite dim.


Are you asserting that a majority of dcum’ers didn’t change their name?

I think younger millennials and gen z are going to be more traditional with this as well

Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:19     Subject: Re:Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:He doesn't want to get married and picked a fight that will end it. (he hopes)


We can end the thread here.

To be more specific it's OP he doesn't want to marry. He took 4 years to propose and is now acting out about this. This is a guy that doesn't want to be married to OP and this is a guy OP should not marry.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:17     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different



I think you are quite dim.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:11     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.


Hmmm - really? I’d like to see a survey of percentage of dcum’ers who didn’t change their name

From this thread it seems like the majority didn’t but we know thats bs

In our circle full of liberal ivy grads (many with PhD, md, real professional accolades), eveeyone changed their name even if on paper their politics and outlook scream “independent/modern/liberal woman”

I think op’s fiancée has somewhat of a point

FWIW I’m 32. Perhaps the 40+ set is different

Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:09     Subject: Re:Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
This is a symptom of a larger problem. Do not marry this man unless he will work this out taking your priorities and concerns into consideration.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 14:01     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't marry him. He's old fashioned in his views, tries to impose his will on you in a matter that is much more your business than his, and is not open to conflict resolution. These are red flags.


All the above.


Get to counseling asap. Do several sessions and suss out his view on what the role of a husband, wife, father, mother is. If you have kids with someone who thinks doing much with regards to running the household or parenting kids is beneath him because he's a "busy, important male office worker,", RUN AWAY.

totally agree with the PPs: SEXIST, SELF-CENTERED, SELF-INFLATED, POOR COMMUNICATION, and likely does not respect you much.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 13:59     Subject: Re:Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Anonymous wrote:"You can’t possibly imagine the embarrassment I’d have to face that my wife won’t be taking my last name. "

Did you meet him in another country or another century?[/quote]

yeah, wtf.

I don't know why anyone would want to change their last name. No dowries. No change from owned by your father to owned by your husband. And it's a co@tly PITA, especially for professional women, multi-entry country visas in your passport, calling up ALL your accounts or hoping some agency you paid $500 will. Yeah, whiptido.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 13:39     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
Does he realize lots of women keep their names? I'm in my mid 30s and I'd say at least half of my female friends have kept their maiden name. Almost all are happy to be introduced with their husband's name on social settings, could you offer that as a compromise?

If he is making this if of a deal about it, and expects you to just acquiesce because he says so, I would postpone the wedding or call it off. What if you want to keep working after having kids but he would be embarrassed hat he doesn't get to look like a 'provider,' will he demand that you quit? The name issue should be up to you to decide. I would be very wary of moving forward given his reaction.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 13:31     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
If it is a big enough issue to post to DCUM, then you should probably dump him and move on with your life.

Or you could sit down with him and figure out if the two of you are capable of working the issue out like grownups, because this is small potatoes compared to the issues that will come up after you are married. If you can't figure out a way to get past this, then you two should not get married.
Anonymous
Post 10/05/2017 12:45     Subject: Refusal to change your last name makes me question your committment!!
He doesn't want to marry and is looking for an excuse. I kept my name. Married 15 years, no issue.