Anonymous wrote:Have been in a long term affair (3 years) with a wonderful man. He recently left his wife and wants to be with me "legitimately." I am so in love with him and very badly want to leave my DH. But I can't because my DH is a nice, loving partner. I just have no romantic feelings towards him and don't know that I ever really did. But that is another discussion and a mistake I made many moons ago. Also, I have kids. And while finances aren't an issue if we divorce, obviously it will tear their world apart going from a "seemingly" happy family to two houses.

Let this be a warning to others thinking about an affair, especially an emotional one (which most women seem to have), it isn't worth the heartache in the end. I am now keenly aware of what I'm missing and will miss my entire life. And for all those that say I'm just in the affair fog, nope, I'm not. I am not thinking all would be perfect with AP if we were "really" together, blending families would suck, learning to live with someone new would be annoying, etc.

How dare you claim to care about your kids well-being when you have spent the last 3 years not caring about them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems incredibly selfish. You're willing to blow up your entire family for this. You admit that your DH is a "nice, loving partner" yet you are willing to throw him to the curb for someone else. Did you even try improving your own marriage or work on your own issues before going out and finding someone else? Marriage is not all sunshine and roses all of the time. You made a commitment and frankly, it sounds like your marriage isn't even bad. You just sound like an immature, bored housewife.

I am definitely not a housewife. And yes, we did work on our problems and went to counseling. Unfortunately for me it seems it was too late. I can't get those feelings back for him.

How can you claim to have tried when you have been having an affair for 3 years? Trying would have been stopping things with your AP 3 years ago and giving counseling a real chance. you haven't done that. You just put on the appearance of trying

Anonymous wrote:so do you f*ck your husband the same day after you've f*cked your AP?

Why do you ask?

I'm not actually one to talk, but leaving your spouse for your AP is just going to trade one set of problems for another set of problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems incredibly selfish. You're willing to blow up your entire family for this. You admit that your DH is a "nice, loving partner" yet you are willing to throw him to the curb for someone else. Did you even try improving your own marriage or work on your own issues before going out and finding someone else? Marriage is not all sunshine and roses all of the time. You made a commitment and frankly, it sounds like your marriage isn't even bad. You just sound like an immature, bored housewife.

I am definitely not a housewife. And yes, we did work on our problems and went to counseling. Unfortunately for me it seems it was too late. I can't get those feelings back for him.

Those feelings are not coming back because you are having an affair and you are stopping those feelings from coming back as a way to justify your affair. This is all on you, not the feelings fairy who is refusing to cooperate.

Jumping on the bandwagon to agree with this statement. Well said, pp.

My parents divorced after an affair. I always heard (and believed) the whole "affairs are a symptom, not a root cause" thing. Then I had one. Spent a year in a double life, with my marriage getting harder and harder. Eventually decided that my affair was getting in the way of repairing my marriage (I know, duh, but things can be so much harder to see clearly when in the middle of it). Finally ended the affair and recommitted to my marriage. Now I have a wonderful relationship with my spouse and can't believe I ever thought otherwise.

OP, you have to choose. I can't tell you which path is better, staying with your husband or leaving for your AP. But you can't continue with the double life - it'll destroy both relationships and tear you apart. Pick one and double down on it.

OP, it seems you decided to stay with your family, which is a good decision.

As your AP has left his wife and wants to be with you "legitimately", there may be an expectation on his part that you will leave, too. Be very careful managing this. He may get very angry that after he proved his commitment to you by leaving, you refused to follow. I wouldn't put it past him to tell your DH and then it would REALLY suck. Men rarely come back from cheating, although your situation has more chances of forgiveness because your AP actually wants to be with you.

so do you f*ck your husband the same day after you've f*cked your AP?

OP, I think you need to find out if AP truly loves you. Can he commit to sticking around without benefit of matrimony for the next decade? After your kids are grown you can leave your DH, who certainly knows on some level what you are doing.

He already blew up his family for you, pretty shitty that you get to continue with both worlds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, according to all of you who are judging OP, when is it okay to leave a marriage?

As a child of divorced parents, the only way I would leave my marriage is if there was addiction, abuse (physical or emotional), or some other very serious issue like cheating, committing a crime, etc. I don't expect things to be easy and I don't expect to have the same feelings toward DH that I did when we were newlyweds. But I think there is something to be said of the commitment, respect and love that comes from building a life together (note that that kind of love is often different than the love you feel early on). If I wasn't happy in my marriage, I see that as something I have control over. Chances are, whatever issues are causing me to be unhappy would follow me into the next relationship unless I addressed them head-on.

Yes!!! It's scary how many adults seem not to have a good grasp on this. I guess it doesn't make good material for romantic comedies...which is really too bad. In any long term relationship, there are some times where love is a choice. You reap what(where) you sow. The type of all-consuming in love feeling you have with your AP is entirely inconsistent with a lifelong, day in and day out, kids and house and schedules and finances and stress and just plain boring daily life, relationship scenario.

Think of this: currently, you are putting your best foot forward / being your best self in interactions with your AP, and putting all of your effort into your (fun, exciting, fantasy) relationship with him. You like the fun and exciting and wonderful light he sees you in. If you were to actually move in together and get married and just have to live out the mundane crap of life with each other, you would no longer have this dynamic long term. You just wouldn't. You wouldn't be just saving your best self for him, and neither would he

So.Effing.Trasy

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems incredibly selfish. You're willing to blow up your entire family for this. You admit that your DH is a "nice, loving partner" yet you are willing to throw him to the curb for someone else. Did you even try improving your own marriage or work on your own issues before going out and finding someone else? Marriage is not all sunshine and roses all of the time. You made a commitment and frankly, it sounds like your marriage isn't even bad. You just sound like an immature, bored housewife.

I am definitely not a housewife. And yes, we did work on our problems and went to counseling. Unfortunately for me it seems it was too late. I can't get those feelings back for him.

Those feelings are not coming back because you are having an affair and you are stopping those feelings from coming back as a way to justify your affair. This is all on you, not the feelings fairy who is refusing to cooperate.

I worked as a social worker at a family crisis center and I can't tell you how many times Ive seen this. The person having an affair is so blind to the fact they are unable to emotionally connect with their spouse because they pour all their energy into their fair partner. Its painful to see someone not see something so obvious.

Spot on.

Anonymous wrote:So, according to all of you who are judging OP, when is it okay to leave a marriage?

As a child of divorced parents, the only way I would leave my marriage is if there was addiction, abuse (physical or emotional), or some other very serious issue like cheating, committing a crime, etc. I don't expect things to be easy and I don't expect to have the same feelings toward DH that I did when we were newlyweds. But I think there is something to be said of the commitment, respect and love that comes from building a life together (note that that kind of love is often different than the love you feel early on). If I wasn't happy in my marriage, I see that as something I have control over. Chances are, whatever issues are causing me to be unhappy would follow me into the next relationship unless I addressed them head-on.

I can't tell you how bad it sucked to share every single holiday and life event splint into two. Every major event became exhausting and over stimulating for me and by the time I was 18 I barely came around for any holiday for a good 5 years. I was so so drained. I was 8 when my parents divorced. Just because its rapidly common doesn't mean its ok or your kids won't suffer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems incredibly selfish. You're willing to blow up your entire family for this. You admit that your DH is a "nice, loving partner" yet you are willing to throw him to the curb for someone else. Did you even try improving your own marriage or work on your own issues before going out and finding someone else? Marriage is not all sunshine and roses all of the time. You made a commitment and frankly, it sounds like your marriage isn't even bad. You just sound like an immature, bored housewife.

I am definitely not a housewife. And yes, we did work on our problems and went to counseling. Unfortunately for me it seems it was too late. I can't get those feelings back for him.

Those feelings are not coming back because you are having an affair and you are stopping those feelings from coming back as a way to justify your affair. This is all on you, not the feelings fairy who is refusing to cooperate.

+1 OP you don't want this to be true but it is