I cared about my parents well being, I did not feel responsible for their happiness. Same for my children. IMO, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. I did what I did out of love and kindness not out of some sort of obligation/guilt or because I wanted to look good. Well, maybe a little obligation since they were my parents and had done an excellent job as such.

Same for my DH's parents.

All four have passed. With each one, there was a different solution that was based on their individual needs and circumstances.

Yes.

I will do anything for my parents and ILs. I am the only daughter of my parents (I have 3 brothers) and I am the nearest thing to a daughter for my ILs who only have sons. I cannot depend on anyone else for their care and more than anything else I know that my parents and my ILs deserve to be loved, cared for and respected. For day to day care they will need to stay with us, but if they want to live in their own homes we will do whatever we can - pay for their expenses, visit them often, outsource chores, include them in our lives and vacations etc. When they pass away, it will be an emptiness that we will not be able to fill. They have sacrificed much for us and they are fine and loving people.

My brothers and BILs are good men and will gladly bankroll everything for them, but my SILs (brothers wives and BILs wives) are all younger than me and I feel that it is my responsibility to take care of them. Somehow, with my ILs, I am the only DIL that they feel closest too - maybe because I was the first one to join their household.

I do care a lot. My parents live overseas. I make sure I see them every year. Last 4 years they stopped flying across Atlantic, so I either visit them at home, or we meet somewhere in Europe. I call them every Saturday morning and we talk sometimes hour or two. I do send them flowers for big holidays. My brother and I always buy them short trips to visit another countries (we would pay for flight/train and hotel, and they would pay on their own for food expenses). I make sure they see my kids regularly as well. I keep them updated on all kids achievements. My parents worked very hard and sacrificed a lot raising us. I hope I can repay them with the same.

I am raising my kids the same way I was raised and I truly hope they treat me the same way when I get old.

Anonymous wrote:

Our kids don't give a damn about us. The main reason our house is paid for, retirement money grows, socking away as much as possible so we never EVER have to rely on those greedy demon seeds. If I could go back I'd never have had kids.

You raised them. Look in the mirror.

Both sets of our parents are long gone but until we moved out of state I felt obligated to my mother. The best thing was moving. That burden fell on her other kids, the ones she favored. The ones that didn't do s for her. Because I was the poor one, I was called upon because I needed the money. Yes, she paid me but damn I was tired all the time.

Our kids don't give a damn about us. The main reason our house is paid for, retirement money grows, socking away as much as possible so we never EVER have to rely on those greedy demon seeds. If I could go back I'd never have had kids.

Found out yesterday they are counting on our money hoping we expire soon.

My father, yes, he never annoyed me.
My mother can make herself VERY unpleasant, so we'll have to see whether she behaves or not.

Their happiness is not a priority for me. They've chosen to be miserable c**ts and there is nothing I can do about that. It's not my responsibility to care more about their happiness than they do.

Anonymous wrote:I do things for my mother out of obligation. I didn't not want her to suffer. But I do not feel responsible for her happiness.

*do not want her to suffer...

I do things for my mother out of obligation. I didn't not want her to suffer. But I do not feel responsible for her happiness.

I would have loved to, but my mom never thought I was good enough and each time I tried to help them it feel flat. Even when they were helped, my mom hated that I helped them instead of my brother. It was what it was.

I 100% wanted my parents to be happy. My mom passed last year but she was the most selfless person I have ever known. She prioritized our happiness and naturally I wanted to do everything possible for her. My dad is equally wonderful. He is now alone and I worry all the time if he is happy. DH and I check in several times a week and are here for anything he needs but he doesn't talk about his feelings.

My mom is not easy to be around, but I care for her b/c of my conscience. She did so much for me and my family, now it's time for me to repay a little of her kindness. She has cancer and a difficult road ahead. I have a toddler and a nursing baby and I try. My favorite thing to do for her is to wash her feet. She loves it and I love it b/c it's a very simple and direct way to serve her. I'd like to do more but know my limitations. I'm doing a 70% job as a daughter, 70% as a mother, and 50% as a wife. I'm okay not doing 100%.

In theory I care but in practice I live nowhere near my living parent. In addition to that after my mothers passing my dad is remarried and prioritizes only his new wife for time and has stopped visiting the rest of us. I'd love to have him over for a month or so at a time to know his grandchildren and to see what his needs are but it hasn't happened.

np: I care mainly about appearances and what other people will think. This is how my parents approached parenting and grandparenting. Photo shoot, brag about kids' accomplishments. Disappear if things get tough. But yeah, I'd be embarrassed if my parents showed signs of neglect in their old age.

Anonymous wrote:I care though I expect them to have their finances in order for day-to-day expenses considering how lavishly they spend now. What I want to do is buy a 7-8 bedroom house with an in-law suite of 2 bedrooms including so they can live in 'their' half of the house and me + my family in ours. That would be about 10 years from now.

But they don't need me - they have two homes of their own and seem fine otherwise.

And...when they are living in the one side of your house and suddenly begin to need a lot of help, you will forgo vacations with your spouse and kids, stop working, stop going out to concerts/plays/dinners...to stay at home and ensure your parents' safety, well being and care? Better hope you don't get sick...

So much of this looks better on paper than it does in reality. Your parents need to realize that if they have the means to provide for their old age and the mental ability to plan for it they NEED to do just that.