Anonymous
Post 09/25/2017 07:11     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Known, proven fact. Married folks, especially the wife, is much less happy post-kids.


It's an interesting fact and statistically true while parenting but then you measure people's contentedness late in life and those with kids score higher. Kids aren't going to make you happy but they make life more meaningful. Like anything, you derive meaning from effort and love


Who says they make life more meaningful? Contented Ness and meaning are different things. Maybe they are more content later in life because their point of comparison is 18 years of beING unhappy.

I actually think it would be better for all people -- those with and without children -- if we stopped sugh eating the only way a person can have meaning is through kids. It's actually what fuels the mommy martyrdom and that in turn leads to situations like OP has. If we stopped with this, then maybe people would be more practical and honest about sorting out logistics, division of labor, and maintaining a sense of self when they embark on having kids as a couple.

Anonymous
Post 09/25/2017 05:24     Subject: I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Let me guess: you don't have much sex? It amazes me how many times I witness this story: baby arrives, new mom loses sex drive, marriage decays. Sometimes this story continues on towards cheating or divorce. The good news is there is an easy, obvious fix that costs $0.
Anonymous
Post 09/25/2017 00:47     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.


Hwtero couple here without any fertility issues. We felt the same way. Kids strengthened our marriage and brought us even closer. I had to "split" time with DH holding DS, he was such a happy new father. He never once complained about late night wake ups and wpuld rock our boys for hours on end.


Sounds like the OP was super-happy as a DINK. Maybe they just assumed the kid would add to that happiness rather than subtract and calculated wrong.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 18:48     Subject: I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?


Did you talk about life after a baby before having one? Did you stop working? Did you start treating him like an idiot (see this quite often, DW always saying don't do it like that no matter what DH does)? You either go into with a plan to be a team, or you have issues. Particularly if the wife is overly critical

Non-perfect marriage, yep a baby is the right way to go. It always makes non-perfect worse.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 16:21     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Married 11 years when Dd was born.We never had a fight (honestly), but later I realized that I had really babied him a lot. So when Dd was born, I shifted a lot of my attention, affection and energy to her. He was very hurt and actually jealous of our baby, but he could not express this and he was actually getting very depressed. I got very depressed and went to a therapist (he wouldn't go for marriage counseling because he didn't think anything was wrong). As I was talking to her, I mentioned that he had accused me of cheating on him because I was taking my Dd to playgroups (he actually said , "how do I know you are not going to a hotel and meeting someone? I said "yeah and I'm bringing the baby to watch". ) She said "how do you know he's not cheating on you?" Never crossed my mind. Well, I got so pissed it snapped me out of my depression. I couldn't wait to get home and I told him, "therapist thinks you are cheating on me. WTF?" He was totally shocked. That's when I realized he was actually worried about losing me and his feelings that he was not wanted anymore. This was a turning point- I explained the baby was always needy (like all babies) and I was tired and stressed, but I would make more of an effort to pay more attention to him and make him feel very loved. Maybe your DH is going through similar feelings (I only have one- didn't want to go through that period again)


Ugh, I am sorry you only got to have one child because you married a man child. Disgusting.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 16:05     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 18 years. No one would have been happier than me if my husband met a quick and painless death when our child was NB to about age 4. Don't have a second child.


That is so funny, but oh can I relate. It took about a year before I hit this point but when it hit, oh my. I did go on to have two more kids. And, for the person who asked, yes it got better for us. Eventually money got easier and the kids became less of a time suck and we hit the point where we weren't driven by sleep deprivation, needs of kids and demands of our jobs.

Date nights/days (we like to take bike rides) and doing lots of fun vacations (trips in our case because we aren't real relaxers) and activities with our kids helped. Also, when the kids got to be a few years old, we could go back to doing things that were fun individually (golf, scrapbooking, sewing, etc), which made things better.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 15:27     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
My DH could not have been more of a trooper and really, a total saint during our Dad's first year. But the flip side of his dutifulness and stability is a tendency to not be a super affectionate or communicative spouse. Overall, our marriage is good, but there is an upside and a downside to everyone and everything. The DH who gets "jealous" of the baby and can't cope may overall be a more passionate and emotionally astute partner.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 14:50     Subject: I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?


Doesn't sound like you love your child as you are laying the blame for your problems at his/her feet. Please get help now before you ruin an innocent life.


I don't think you are understanding me. This child could not be more loved and I am not blaming my innocent child for my marriage problems. I too struggled with infertility. It was a hard road to get pregnant for me and an extremely difficult birth. And between dealing with my postpartum mood issues, birth injuries, two full time jobs, etc. it's like DS eats up every last iota of goodwill, love, civility, patience, and energy that DH and I have and there's nothing left for each other let alone time for ourselves. He's been a lousy sleeper since birth so we don't even get to enjoy an hour or two together after he goes to bed because he is still waking up at least 2-3x per night. I just don't know how we get past the point where this needy human eats up all the energy we have.


I totally understand you. My suggestion is to find help. If you can, put money on the problem. Hire a nanny for a few hours a couple of days every week and spend time with your husband. Leave your child with their grandparents or nanny and go for a weekend away. Your child is old enough to be left with someone else for a couple of days. You both need time with each other to remember why you decided to be together. Your child will be much happier and grow up happier if you are able to fix your relationship.

Try to find happiness and joy in your child and in your husband. It's hard, but make the first step... I know I often do with my husband...


I was going to suggest the same thing. Where you can, make your life easier, not harder. When our youngest kept waking up in the middle of the night, searching for a pacifier because it fell out and we were waking up multiple times a night, we decided to put 3 pacifiers in her crib. When our oldest would wake up literally 5 minutes after my DH left for work ...about an hour before I got up, I asked if he would be able to feed her before he left so she would sleep longer ...and that gave me more time to both rest, pump milk, get everything packed up and ready before I woke her up for daycare. We were fortunate our parents would visit and give us a small break. We also would take walks as a family with the stroller during evenings and weekends and that was time for DH and I to talk while the kids were in the stroller. Look for the small changes that can make a big difference to tamp down the feelings of being overwhelmed.

It is a big adjustment having kids. I agree though that it brings out the things but that were already there and magnifies it. The flaws are there times 1000 but the strengths are also there. You have to both be committed to coming out on the other side of things with each other and stay on each other's side as a team and remember what it is about the person why you wanted to marry each other.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 14:15     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Known, proven fact. Married folks, especially the wife, is much less happy post-kids.


It's an interesting fact and statistically true while parenting but then you measure people's contentedness late in life and those with kids score higher. Kids aren't going to make you happy but they make life more meaningful. Like anything, you derive meaning from effort and love
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 09:34     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Known, proven fact. Married folks, especially the wife, is much less happy post-kids.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 09:27     Subject: I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time...medically and in your marriage.

It will get better once you all can get some sleep. Have you considered hiring a sleep trainer for your toddler?

I also agree that getting a weekend away can be very helpful.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 09:13     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
No one should get divorced until the youngest is in kindergarten. It gets better, OP.
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 09:10     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.


Hwtero couple here without any fertility issues. We felt the same way. Kids strengthened our marriage and brought us even closer. I had to "split" time with DH holding DS, he was such a happy new father. He never once complained about late night wake ups and wpuld rock our boys for hours on end.


+1 It only solidified for me that I had married the right person
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 08:57     Subject: I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for 12 years and while we never had a perfect marriage and there have been ups and downs we have always been pretty happy. However since having our baby over a year ago I feel like it ruined our marriage. We fight constantly and it seems the only thing we agree on is that we both love our child. Has anyone else experienced this and if so what did you do?


Doesn't sound like you love your child as you are laying the blame for your problems at his/her feet. Please get help now before you ruin an innocent life.


I don't think you are understanding me. This child could not be more loved and I am not blaming my innocent child for my marriage problems. I too struggled with infertility. It was a hard road to get pregnant for me and an extremely difficult birth. And between dealing with my postpartum mood issues, birth injuries, two full time jobs, etc. it's like DS eats up every last iota of goodwill, love, civility, patience, and energy that DH and I have and there's nothing left for each other let alone time for ourselves. He's been a lousy sleeper since birth so we don't even get to enjoy an hour or two together after he goes to bed because he is still waking up at least 2-3x per night. I just don't know how we get past the point where this needy human eats up all the energy we have.


I totally understand you. My suggestion is to find help. If you can, put money on the problem. Hire a nanny for a few hours a couple of days every week and spend time with your husband. Leave your child with their grandparents or nanny and go for a weekend away. Your child is old enough to be left with someone else for a couple of days. You both need time with each other to remember why you decided to be together. Your child will be much happier and grow up happier if you are able to fix your relationship.

Try to find happiness and joy in your child and in your husband. It's hard, but make the first step... I know I often do with my husband...
Anonymous
Post 09/24/2017 00:21     Subject: Re:I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage
Anonymous wrote:I guess it's all about perspective. Same sex couple who struggled through infertility before DS 1. He felt like a gift from God. Three losses later, DW is pregnant with our second and I feel like our marriage and sex life have never been stronger. Agree with those who say that babies are work. Once they start becoming real people it gets pretty fun.


Hwtero couple here without any fertility issues. We felt the same way. Kids strengthened our marriage and brought us even closer. I had to "split" time with DH holding DS, he was such a happy new father. He never once complained about late night wake ups and wpuld rock our boys for hours on end.