Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:57
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
We always pick up both grandmothers. Can your car accommodate both?
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:50
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.
The MIL could use this same advice. It may have been nice for them to drive with MIL, but maybe, for the sake of her relationship with the kids and DIL, it would have been better to be kind and understanding and not make a big deal.
Fine, but if everyone always stands on principle, there will never be any rapprochement. Someone has to go first. People on this board are so quick to say "my way or the highway" or "cut them off" or "toxic." Be a little flexible and maybe everyone will be happier. Maybe they won't. But you won't know til you try.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 11:49
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.
But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
So? Is it going to kill anyone if she gets upset?
If I were OP, I would have my husband call his mother ahead of time and ask her what happened last year and why she was upset. Say "Mom, we'd like to invite you again this year, but last year you got so upset you cried, and we really don't understand what happened. Please tell us." Listen to what she says. If it's something easily fixable like she just didn't understand the plan, fix it. If she wants to drive with OP and her mom and that can be done, do it. If she wants to spend the day with OP and her mom before the event, no, that's not necessary. But something small that isn't much inconvenience -- why not? And if whatever it is she wants can't be done, and that is explained ahead of time, and she still gets upset -- ok, so the following year you don't invite her. But I don't see why you wouldn't try to make it work this time. Not everything has to be the nuclear option, you know?
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:06
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.
The MIL could use this same advice. It may have been nice for them to drive with MIL, but maybe, for the sake of her relationship with the kids and DIL, it would have been better to be kind and understanding and not make a big deal.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:03
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.
But hwat if she gets upset about some other irrational thing again this year?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 10:02
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Okay, devils advocate here. If I'm anxious about something, sometimes I get emotional. Maybe she is anxious about not having a relationship with her grandkids and she lost it. I would give her another chance, but just invite her this time and not your mom (invite your mom to another cool event).
My sil treats my mil so poorly and then wonders why they aren't close, she blames it on mil but it's so much her. It can't ever hurt to extend an olive branch, but don't set her up for a similar situation. Grandparents aren't around forever, it's not worth to hold a grudge in my opinion.
Explain to me how a person can be anxious about not having a relationship with their grandchildren at the same time they are spending time with their grandchildren?
I can tell you acting like a child didn't help the MIL case. Sounds like she acted completely irrational.
And if someone gets anxious and emotional to the point where they can't control themselves in public and social situations, they should seek professional help.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 09:59
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
So? She's not a child to be corrected. And sometimes repairing a relationship and being kind and understanding is more important than being right.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 09:58
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Okay, devils advocate here. If I'm anxious about something, sometimes I get emotional. Maybe she is anxious about not having a relationship with her grandkids and she lost it. I would give her another chance, but just invite her this time and not your mom (invite your mom to another cool event).
My sil treats my mil so poorly and then wonders why they aren't close, she blames it on mil but it's so much her. It can't ever hurt to extend an olive branch, but don't set her up for a similar situation. Grandparents aren't around forever, it's not worth to hold a grudge in my opinion.
My sil treats my mil so poorly and then wonders why they aren't close, she blames it on mil but it's so much her. It can't ever hurt to extend an olive branch, but don't set her up for a similar situation. Grandparents aren't around forever, it's not worth to hold a grudge in my opinion.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 09:27
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Besides, being sulky and pouty in public in the first place was utterly uncalled for.
This. It's pretty irrational to feel excluded from mother-daughter time when it's not your daughter, so if you do, you keep it inside. You complain to your spouse or your best friend later, if you must. But you don't mope and pout about it, and then when asked, start crying and yelling. Grow up.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 09:12
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I feel sympathetic to the MIL after reading the initial post a couple of times.
Try reading it playing Devil's Advocate.
So, I agree that the MIL's behavior wasn't great at the end but go back to the beginning...her behavior wasn't great after she was pressed but, from what I read in the original post, she seemed to hold it together until she was pressed. Yes, she was mopey but she wasn't being a drama queen until she started getting hit with "What's wrong?", "No, really, we can see you're upset, what's wrong?", and then probably getting "MIL, really, we can see you're unhappy, tell us what's wrong", probably with a bit of attitude. So she finally says what's wrong and OP and her mom blow it off with "well, we spent the day together, of course (you silly goose) we drove together", which really drives the point home that she was being excluded by the secret club. Then when she becomes emotional she gets a lot of push-back because she is engaging in drama.
Anyway, reading the post it certainly seems like the drama was sort of thrust on her in a mean-girl kind of way...
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NO.. just NO!!! This rewards the MIL for throwing a tantrum.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 07:35
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Anonymous wrote:Do not indulge hysterical elderly women. Just don't. It never works. The only thing that works is punishment. She doesn't get invited this year. They behave this way because they have been coddled since childhood. Being stern and punishing is the only thing that will induce change.
I believe this as well.
People of sound mind, when hurt, don't embarrass others and ruin events for children. They don't make it "all about them". The sulking and pouting and then the crying and getting mad at the other grandma in front of the children? This is not ok.
I've been hurt on public before too. I put on a happy face and deal with it at an appropriate time.
People like OP MIL have been coddled and given their way, end of story. People don't put on a big show like that over a slight, unless they know it will turn them into the center of attention again.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 07:24
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Do not indulge hysterical elderly women. Just don't. It never works. The only thing that works is punishment. She doesn't get invited this year. They behave this way because they have been coddled since childhood. Being stern and punishing is the only thing that will induce change.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 07:02
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
Dissenting pp here again.
Also depending on distances and locations, how comfortable she's with driving to school / parking there, etc may be she would have felt included to be told mom is coming over and we leave together at x time. If you want to leave your car at my house and come with us, come be by x pm at my house. May be it's not that she wanted to spend that time with you and your mother but to be included in the ride. it's really personal and cultural, but I can see someone being annoyed at this.
Also depending on distances and locations, how comfortable she's with driving to school / parking there, etc may be she would have felt included to be told mom is coming over and we leave together at x time. If you want to leave your car at my house and come with us, come be by x pm at my house. May be it's not that she wanted to spend that time with you and your mother but to be included in the ride. it's really personal and cultural, but I can see someone being annoyed at this.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 06:55
Subject: Would you give a second chance?
I'd probably invite her.
Anonymous
09/19/2017 06:45
Subject: Re:Would you give a second chance?
Slept on this one. I think that since OP is so close to her Mom that she should plan a different event with her kids with her Mom.
OP should only invite the MIL to the Fall Festival. It gives OP a second chance with MIL to experience the Fall Festival without the OP/mom dynamic, which seems to not bring out the best in OP or her mother. I do think that the behavior of OP and her mom drove the dynamic the prior year causing a nervous MIL to become emotionally overwrought when she felt excluded and probably shoved out by OP and her mom.
NP - this is utter BS.
+1 I thought about expanding on this comment but there's really nothing more to say than this spin on events is utter BS