Run like the wind. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Disengage and find someone who can chaperone visits and drop offs so you don't have to deal with him. Move on.

Confusedchaos wrote:Thank you guys for the advice. I can't put into words how much I needed to read this. It really helped me make a decision that is right for my son and myself. I do have friends, and family that can help me through this... But it will be hell to leave him, I am leaving him asap but the only problem is, do I keep his secret? He says he will "kill himself" if I leave him. He also says that I can't tell anyone about his secret. He is more worried about the secret getting out instead of losing us. I am worried if I leave, he will get crazy and harass me . i just am a little scared to leave. But I am going to leave because with the fighting and the confusing me by manipulating me into thinking it is my fault is confusing and physically making me sick. I do have a best friend who is willing to help me in any way and that includes help me get an apartment. Only problem is, when I do try to leave, he hides my keys, and blocks the doorway and says I can't take our son. and then if I say "i will tell everyone about your secret" he says all I do is threaten him and that I am not allowed to go anywhere because I am not thinking clearly.

In that case you need to file for a protection order and get out NOW.

Please, please run as fast as you can from him. You are so, so young, you can build a career and a really bright future for you and your son without him in the picture. I know you said he is a great dad but, to be honest, down the road, he will not be able to be a good role model for your son. You can and WILL meet a good man who will love and respect you. Hugs and best of luck.

^^ meant to say it's classic abuser behavior, not classic Snyder. Autocorrect.

Confusedchaos wrote:Thank you guys for the advice. I can't put into words how much I needed to read this. It really helped me make a decision that is right for my son and myself. I do have friends, and family that can help me through this... But it will be hell to leave him, I am leaving him asap but the only problem is, do I keep his secret? He says he will "kill himself" if I leave him. He also says that I can't tell anyone about his secret. He is more worried about the secret getting out instead of losing us. I am worried if I leave, he will get crazy and harass me . i just am a little scared to leave. But I am going to leave because with the fighting and the confusing me by manipulating me into thinking it is my fault is confusing and physically making me sick. I do have a best friend who is willing to help me in any way and that includes help me get an apartment. Only problem is, when I do try to leave, he hides my keys, and blocks the doorway and says I can't take our son. and then if I say "i will tell everyone about your secret" he says all I do is threaten him and that I am not allowed to go anywhere because I am not thinking clearly.

This is chilling. It goes beyond the question of whether or not he is a sex addict and can be rehabilitated - his issues go much, much deeper than that and I would say NO - he will never change. He is toxic, he is an abuser and he is very sick. This is a clear-cut case of abuse and you should definitely call the domestic violence hormone, as PP said, to get strategies to leave in the safest way possible.

Whatever harm he threatens himself with - that's pure manipulation, and ultimately it's on him - all of the terrible choices he's making are on HIM, as is his pain and sadness and rage and even his vulnerability. But he will try his hardest to make YOU carry all that for him and feel responsible for it - which is classic Snyder behavior, and classic NPD/BPD behavior (personality disorders for which there is no cure).

The fact that you recognize all this and know that you need to get out despite how beaten down you are in the thick of it is is a huge positive for you.
It will be hard to leave him, but you can do it - you MUST do it. The first step is to call the domestic violence hotline. Whether or not he gets help for his addiction is completely irrelevant at this point.

Best of luck to you!!

Confusedchaos wrote:Thank you guys for the advice. I can't put into words how much I needed to read this. It really helped me make a decision that is right for my son and myself. I do have friends, and family that can help me through this... But it will be hell to leave him, I am leaving him asap but the only problem is, do I keep his secret? He says he will "kill himself" if I leave him. He also says that I can't tell anyone about his secret. He is more worried about the secret getting out instead of losing us. I am worried if I leave, he will get crazy and harass me . i just am a little scared to leave. But I am going to leave because with the fighting and the confusing me by manipulating me into thinking it is my fault is confusing and physically making me sick. I do have a best friend who is willing to help me in any way and that includes help me get an apartment. Only problem is, when I do try to leave, he hides my keys, and blocks the doorway and says I can't take our son. and then if I say "i will tell everyone about your secret" he says all I do is threaten him and that I am not allowed to go anywhere because I am not thinking clearly.

You've listed MANY classic behaviors of an abuser. I'd plan to go without any warning. You don't announce it. You simply wait for him to leave the apartment, and then go. If not, get a family member or friend to come over and leave with you.

You need real help. Contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Website and info here:
http://www.thehotline.org

I think there are a small percentage of people who claim to be sex addicts, who are actual sex addicts. But 98% are selfish manchildren who are too cowardly to own up to the fact that their selfish decisions are hurtful to others, and they're too selfish to try.

Thank you guys for the advice. I can't put into words how much I needed to read this. It really helped me make a decision that is right for my son and myself. I do have friends, and family that can help me through this... But it will be hell to leave him, I am leaving him asap but the only problem is, do I keep his secret? He says he will "kill himself" if I leave him. He also says that I can't tell anyone about his secret. He is more worried about the secret getting out instead of losing us. I am worried if I leave, he will get crazy and harass me . i just am a little scared to leave. But I am going to leave because with the fighting and the confusing me by manipulating me into thinking it is my fault is confusing and physically making me sick. I do have a best friend who is willing to help me in any way and that includes help me get an apartment. Only problem is, when I do try to leave, he hides my keys, and blocks the doorway and says I can't take our son. and then if I say "i will tell everyone about your secret" he says all I do is threaten him and that I am not allowed to go anywhere because I am not thinking clearly.

OP, go to sanon.org and see if there's a support group near you. It's for the significant others of sex addicts.

And separate from him. He's blaming you for his problems and his behavior. You're very young, and you need to get away from him and work on strengthening your sense of self-worth and your boundaries. Don't accept a person behaving as he has.

Even if he's good to your son, he's not good to you. If he's going to work on himself, he can do it on his own. He HAS to do it on his own. You've dealt with too much. You'll get perspective with distance.

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to ramp it up in the bedroom. Fight for your man!

Hello, OP's boyfriend!

First, it doesn't matter whether there is an addiction or not. Please understand that people can try to change but won't change much. This person has so far to go to transform into a decent partner that they will never make it. SO, RUN. Don't help him. Don't contact him.

Second, people can be addicted to anything, and most definitely people can be addicted to sex. Just like any addiction, it's really, really difficult to stop. Your boyfriend has a serious mental disorder, and just because it's a disease, doesn't mean that you have a moral obligation to help him if it means a life of torture for you. But none of this matters anyway, because see first point!

Third, keep your child away from him. He doesn't have shared custody, right?

I'm 20:02 - make sure that any custody/visitation plan is court ordered. There are many ways to get there - you can write something up yourselves and ask a court to order it, you can see a mediator (if you're in DC its offered free of charge), you can go to court and fight with lawyers - but get it court ordered. Seriously, it MUST be enforceable through the courts.

Same with child support - a gentlemans agreement don't bind him legally.

Confusedchaos wrote:Yeah I work. I have money saved as well. I have had 3 serious relationships and have only slept with 3 men.. but I have never been single.

I do make money, but he does make way more than I do.
I am 23 and just starting out in my career.
He is 31 and has already established his career.

He will have to pay child support if you separate. Even if you have 50/50 custody - if he earns significantly more than you do the courts will order child support.

Don't be afraid of being single - think of this as a great opportunity to get your stuff together and learn how to be alone and self sufficient.

Confusedchaos wrote:Even if he changed his number, agreed to therapy, you don't think I should try to stand by him through this in hope that he will change?

I was you a few years ago. Sex addict DH was sorry, got some therapy and then relapsed and more lies came out. We're divorcing and have kids. It's sad bc he now is in denial of his sex addiction. I know I'll be happier and find someone who doesn't have this f'd up addiction. You can't help an addict, only they will have to hit rock bottom before they will get help again. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but you're much younger then I am. Get out now.

He is a NARCISSIST.
Please read up on narcissists so you can understand what you are dealing with.
Also please leave him. If you stay he will continue to emotionally/verbally abuse you and blame you.
He will not take responsibility for his actions.
He is only doing to you what you allow him to.
Cut him out of your life and set appropriate boundaries to protect yourself and your child.