Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--for those who said I found out about the affairs and left but should have stuck it out for the kids, well--actually once he knew I knew, he made me leave. He left two. Neither one of us could afford staying in the marital home. He just happened to stay in the school district we have.

He's a real peach. Blew up the family finances, home, and his children's stability. I hope you do well in court and put this pos behind you. You're wasting too much time on him being punished. A loser whose living with his mommy and daddy. I think he'll be punished greatly down the road. Your poor kids know or will understand what a pos he is. It will be a domino effect for many years.

this is the truth of what happened in our family. I maintained cordiality, but the same personal flaws which drove him to cheat, also drove him to do things in his relationship with the kids that really showed them who he was. It was not a pretty picture. Ignore him. Focus on your own relationship with the kids. Inexpensive activities and time together builds memories and connections that last a lifetime.

Anonymous wrote:OP here--for those who said I found out about the affairs and left but should have stuck it out for the kids, well--actually once he knew I knew, he made me leave. He left two. Neither one of us could afford staying in the marital home. He just happened to stay in the school district we have.

He's a real peach. Blew up the family finances, home, and his children's stability. I hope you do well in court and put this pos behind you. You're wasting too much time on him being punished. A loser whose living with his mommy and daddy. I think he'll be punished greatly down the road. Your poor kids know or will understand what a pos he is. It will be a domino effect for many years.

Anonymous wrote:Child custody isn't about what's fair for the adults. It's about what's fair for the kids, or at least it should be. Treating your kids like a reward or punishment for "behavior" isn't fair to them.

Different poster but as someone who was cheated on I agree that custody should be 50/50 and not a reward for keeping your pants on.

The kids didn't have an affair or get divorced. Why should their lives be changed more than necessary?

It is not your children's interest to punish them for your husband's infidelity.

On the surface, I get what OP is saying.

But the reality is different. Do you really want the courts to get into the sex life of a couple? Your honor, my spouse would not have sex with me, would not do oral, I asked for x, spouse refused, so I had an affair"

Being a bad spouse does not mean you are a bad parent, and vice-versa.

Anonymous wrote:So in effect, you're saying adulterers should be punished by wielding their children like pawns, and while you're at it, their innocent children should be punished, too.

But that's the way many women think: use the children as a tool to punish their father. Judges see this every day. I never cheated, and did not move on to another relationship (still haven't) but did move out and file for divorce from a chronic abuser, and I have had my own children used against me constantly ever since.

But getting back to the OP's proposal: is she aware that women commit 50 percent of the cheating? And how exactly will the system prove adultery? Will this have to be beyond a reasonable doubt?

I believed my ex had cheated but proving it would be been difficult and expensive and might have cost her job.

OP here--for those who said I found out about the affairs and left but should have stuck it out for the kids, well--actually once he knew I knew, he made me leave. He left two. Neither one of us could afford staying in the marital home. He just happened to stay in the school district we have.

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks. My ex DH broke up our family with his affairs and because I could only find a home that I could afford outside the school district (but still very close by) and because he has parents living with him to help with child care, I stand a small chance of losing physical custody of my children because it could be viewed that uprooting them from that district and their home and the care they get as not "in their best interest". Plus, because of that, I'll have to pay child support. How is that fair??? He broke this family up!!! Adultery should absolutely be factored in to chains custody arrangements but it isn't. Does anyone know why and can convince me of the fairness of this?

I doubt that will happen but should have stayed close to their school. Got a roommate or something at least until all that was over.
My friend was a SAHM and her lawyer said not to get a job while going through the divorce. She got a good amount of child support and the kids only visit him.

Anonymous wrote:So in effect, you're saying adulterers should be punished by wielding their children like pawns, and while you're at it, their innocent children should be punished, too.

The dad in this case already punished his kids and changed their lives forever.

OP I think cheaters usually get their just desserts. The courts need to stay out of that stuff, divide the assets, and put the kids needs first. However, if one spouse is having every Tom, Jane or whatever around your kids or there drugs the court will get involved. Look at it this way, you are rid of a total scum bag and have your entire life to do what you want. I wouldn't get involved with anyone and find out why you chose this type of person, and why you missed all the red flags. You don't want to repeat that mistake again. Give it a good year, and play hardball with him in court. After that I would stop all communication with him, and text only for agreed upon pick-ups and drop-offs. I also wouldn't let him inside your home, and completely cut him off. In these cases it's best to forge ahead and find a better life. He will probably end up regretting he threw his family under the bus for trash. And who knows you may end up with a good partner down the road and will be thankful he ended your marriage.

So in effect, you're saying adulterers should be punished by wielding their children like pawns, and while you're at it, their innocent children should be punished, too.

Anonymous wrote:The courts do not, and should not, care about the sex lives of married people such as affairs, withholding (sexless marriages) etc. The courts don't get involved in many other forms of spousal mistreatment either.

The court's purpose is the ensure the children's needs come first, and a fair split of the marital assets.

+1

I think in many ways it would be better if adulterers would lose the kids. It might make people think long and hard before they take the risk. It is bad for kids in general to have broken families.

But I understand why that isn't the rule. It's unfortunate for the victim.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Except that sometimes the cheating spouse is the least to blame. Some sins are visible, and a lot are not.

+1

OP is obviously self centered which is the worst character flaw.

This is a really interesting thread. OP, I do know what you mean. I also agree with what others said, that its all about the kids. That said, it would be a bitter, bitter pill to swallow, so my heart goes out to you.