Anonymous wrote:I agree regarding the learned helplessness and other suggestions, but wanted to ask if you think he's depressed or dealing with another mental health issue? Any family history on his side of mental health issues? This sounds a lot like how my father was when I was a child, and he was severely depressed. Men are taught to hide their emotions, so he may not be giving clear signs that he's sad, but it may still be manifesting as disengagement, defensiveness, and argumentativeness. Not saying this to excuse his behavior, but there may be a treatable medical cause for some of this. My father also refused to go to counseling and my mother was really and truly miserable, as were us kids TBH.

If it helps, I recently (kindly) nagged my DH into acknowleding he was a little depressed after having a midlife crisis of sorts, and he's now on a low dose of Zoloft and MUCH better.

Anonymous wrote:I think a come to Jesus talk is way past due.

The fact that you have a three year old and never go out with friends for dinner because he "doesn't know how to get the kids to bed" is truly insane.

It's learned helplessness. Tell him you need to go out, and then go out. I'm sure he's smart enough to put the kids to bed.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has appeared to have checked out as a parent. He's currently between jobs (independent contractor so his next job doesn't start for a few weeks) and I thought it would be a great opportunity for him to spend some time with our two kids (18m and 3yr) and give me a much needed break to run errands (we are renovating two rooms) without the kids. Instead, he spends all day on his phone and the kids are parked in front of the TV all day. I took my oldest today with me and I thought my husband would at least take my youngest out around the block. Nope, got home 2 hours later and my youngest was in front of the TV while my husband was on his phone in the next room. If I'm not around, nobody gets fed, dressed, or anything else. I have never been able to go to a dinner with friends because my husband doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. If I don't plan out the days, he will literally sit in the house with them for hours waiting for me to say "let's go to the park/play date/zoo/etc." If we go out, he's on his phone, scrolling through Facebook or playing words with friends. He's never taken the kids anywhere by himself. Yesterday he told me that he needed time to go to the gym (he's overweight). I told him to take the boys and go on a jog , he told me he can't focus on working out if the kids are around. We go to the pool and I get stuck with the kids while he goes to do laps. If I say anything to him, he accuses me of trying to make him out to be a bad father and he gets emotional. He's not a bad guy, he provides for our family, he's not mean or anything, he's just not very present. I know his own childhood was basically him being put in front of the TV all day and he says he turned out fine, so I don't know how I can get through to him. Any advice on how to get him more involved with the kids?

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this whole thing about he doesn't know how to get the kids to bed. Has he "shadowed you" a few times while you do it? What is so difficult? You should be able to have at least a monthly ladies night out while he takes care of dinner and bedtime routine. I think you are enabling his helplessness.

It's not difficult. He doesn't think it's necessary to do it her way and he wants to do it his way. She doesn't like his way, so she doesn't go out.

OP here, just to be clear, if he had a way, if for instance he wanted to feed the kids hot dogs and mac n cheese or toast with butter and than skip a bath or read 5 books instead of 3, I wouldn't care. As long as the end result was the same-kids were fed and in bed. I don't care about methods, I care about the end result. But there's no end result. I've gone to doctor appointments and come back and kids haven't eaten any meals whatsoever and are going through the pantry while he's on the computer or on his phone. That's what irks me, because than I get mad at him and than it always ends up with him sulking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is pretty typical dad behavior, which is why I'm increasingly an advocate for SAHMs even though I wasn't one myself. Working TWO jobs isn't a great advance for women. You can't change someone else. If men want kids but don't want to raise them then they should provide the income.

Nopey nope nope. If I am gone for the day, I will return to find that my husband took our daughter to the playground and the library, fed her meals, and bathed her. This is normal. I do not have to tell him to do any of this. Will he do things exactly the way I do? No, which is fine. Some things he does better. But it is not normal for a father to totally check out of parenting his children.