Are you by any chance a size 14 OP?

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I have been so upset since DH said this, I have considered divorce.
I don't know how I can really move on from this. I can't force him to find me sexy. I shouldn't have to.

No, but you could do something about your weight, or at least make a good faith effort to do so.

BTW, yes, I am a man. I gained quite a bit of weight after marriage. My wife broached the same subject with me. I didn't consider her to be a superficial ass but I admit that I was hurt at first. But when I considered what she said I did understand. After a few failed efforts I did in fact take off over 50 lbs.

OP here, I have been so upset since DH said this, I have considered divorce.
I don't know how I can really move on from this. I can't force him to find me sexy. I shouldn't have to.

Anonymous wrote:You sound manipulative, OP. He obviously works hard to stay fit. It's not "superficial" to lose attraction to a spouse who puts on a significant amount of weight. Bringing up your mother's cancer and using this as a guilt trip is bush league and unrealistic. And you management to insult him on top of that. Stop externalizing your problems onto other people and own them.

Maybe I am emotional now.
I am sad he isn't attracted to me unconditionally.
I would love him and find him sexy no matter what he weighs. I wish he was he same.
And if he can't love me at this size, I do wonder what would happen if my body was ravaged by cancer.

PSA to women: When you husband tells you that he still thinks you're "hot" after you put on 40 pounds, he's saying that because he knows that he has no choice. If you were honest, you'd know that you'd freak out and get angry if said you being fat was a turn-off. Stop insisting that your husbands "validate" your attractiveness when you know that you let yourself go. A minority of men are into fat women, but most are not and are basically shamed into accepting it because they literally have no other choice that wouldn't wreck their marriages.

You sound manipulative, OP. He obviously works hard to stay fit. It's not "superficial" to lose attraction to a spouse who puts on a significant amount of weight. Bringing up your mother's cancer and using this as a guilt trip is bush league and unrealistic. And you management to insult him on top of that. Stop externalizing your problems onto other people and own them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 19 years of marriage, DH told me I am fat. He isn't attracted me to at this size.
I have gained weight. He weighs the same as when we married. He is obsessed with being fit and slim. He grew up bullied as he was overweight. He weighs him self twice a day and does 8 work outs a week.
I totally agree I am fat and I gained weight. I just feel really sad that he can't find me attractive at this size. I watched my mom battle breast cancer and chemo. She lost her breast and hair, yet to my dad she was the most beautiful woman. I'm sad I don't have that unconditional love.
I watch my overweight friends who have DHs who find them gorgeous. Yet, I don't have that.

Come on, be honest. Would you be less attracted to him if he were sloppy and fat??

NO!
I loved it best when he was 236lbs.
I really did.

My DH and I have a shitty marriage in many, many ways. But for 14 years he has always told me he thinks I'm beautiful- pregnancy, postpartum, up 20 pounds, down 20 pounds. He works out everyday and is super fit, so it's not like he doesn't value that sorta thing. I'm sure he finds my body sexier when I'm staying toned and thin, however he's still sees what's beneath all that.

Hopefully he told you this in a loving and concerned way. "Fat" is just a word, it's not an insult.

I wouldn't like it if my spouse became fat either, and personally I try to stay reasonably slim.

I would be really hurt if my DH said that to me, mostly because I would likely be well aware of how much I gained so to point that out is cruel and unnecessary. Also, there are plenty of things about my DH that really bother me or even at times may make me feel less attracted to him, but I would never say some of these things to him because it would crush him. If he didn't exercise the same restraint toward my feelings, it would really upset me.

That said, I'd have no problem if my DH offered to help me get healthy, especially if it came up while I was complaining about my weight or something along those lines. But it doesn't sound like this was the context for OP.

Anonymous wrote:After 19 years of marriage, DH told me I am fat. He isn't attracted me to at this size.
I have gained weight. He weighs the same as when we married. He is obsessed with being fit and slim. He grew up bullied as he was overweight. He weighs him self twice a day and does 8 work outs a week.
I totally agree I am fat and I gained weight. I just feel really sad that he can't find me attractive at this size. I watched my mom battle breast cancer and chemo. She lost her breast and hair, yet to my dad she was the most beautiful woman. I'm sad I don't have that unconditional love.
I watch my overweight friends who have DHs who find them gorgeous. Yet, I don't have that.

Come on, be honest. Would you be less attracted to him if he were sloppy and fat??

OP: I'm sorry that you're feelings are hurt. Therer's no easy way to hear that or to bring it up. However, people need to ne attracted to their spouse. Unfortunately, attraction rarely follows the norms of political correctness. He may have done a crappy job of verbalizing it to you but at least he tried to communicate his needs to you.

One of the relationship systems that my spoise and I use is from. The book His Needs/Her Needs. In the book the author outlines the top needs for both husbands and wives. This may shock you (actually it won't at all) but the men's top two needs are:

1. Sex
2. To be attracted to their spouse.

I would read the book with him and discuss your needs vs his. There's probably somewhere that he's not meeting your needs. Maybe you can reach an agreement with him where he works on his part and you work on yours.

I think you could exit with a stronger/happier marriage for both of you and a healthier lifestyle for yourself.

If he didn't like redheads, and the OP kept dying her hair red, wouldn't you tell her to stop dying her hair? Would you tell him to get over it? He is not attracted to someone that gained 50 pounds. He can't change that, but you can lose the weight.

I think he should have lied. Some words can not be unheard. Then encourage her to work out with him, take a walk after dinner, or do more active things with the kids.

Get fit for yourself and then leave his ass.