Anonymous
08/13/2017 20:42
Subject: Feeling slighted
OP, I'd be upset too. Of course it's not your $$ but I completely understand how hurtful it would feel. Something like this I'd remember in the future if they ever ask huge favors.
Anonymous
08/13/2017 15:01
Subject: Feeling slighted
I didn't have a wedding. We went to the courthouse, and it was a lovely day.
It's not your money. Maybe they like BIL better than your husband. Maybe they like his fiancee and her family better than you and yours. Who knows. But it's not your money. They have no obligation to you. You have no obligation to them.
And that's the thing: Don't be bitter. It's better not to have people pay for your stuff because then you are beholden to none. There's no basis to guilt trip you down the road if they want to live with you and you say no.
I have a very strong belief that it's best to pay for things yourself. I actually think that one of the most important things to a healthy marriage is VERY strong boundaries with relatives and inlaws. I've seen a lot of miserable marriages because there aren't adequate boundaries, and it's hard to enforce strong boundaries when you accept money from people.
Be proud you financed your own wedding. Go to BIL's wedding and have fun. And then don't think about it again.
It's not your money. Maybe they like BIL better than your husband. Maybe they like his fiancee and her family better than you and yours. Who knows. But it's not your money. They have no obligation to you. You have no obligation to them.
And that's the thing: Don't be bitter. It's better not to have people pay for your stuff because then you are beholden to none. There's no basis to guilt trip you down the road if they want to live with you and you say no.
I have a very strong belief that it's best to pay for things yourself. I actually think that one of the most important things to a healthy marriage is VERY strong boundaries with relatives and inlaws. I've seen a lot of miserable marriages because there aren't adequate boundaries, and it's hard to enforce strong boundaries when you accept money from people.
Be proud you financed your own wedding. Go to BIL's wedding and have fun. And then don't think about it again.
Anonymous
08/13/2017 14:53
Subject: Feeling slighted
Anonymous wrote:OP, they feel they have to impress the other family. It seems like she has a cultural advantage this way. She will probably also not be pushed to follow certain cultural norms and obligations with your in-laws that you have to do. This will all make you envious of her. On the other hand, you're an insider and she'll always be an outsider to them. You will be closer and more trusted. Is that worth something to you?
That's my take, after decades with in-laws from another culture.
This is very true. You are probably right about being an insider. I do sort of feel that way. More close to them. Maybe that's why the paying shock is there. But they do want to impress her family to show they have deep pockets and can. Good point. Thank you for this prespective.
Not envyious yet of her, and hope I don't. She's very nice and is going to be my family.